Becoming parents is like joining a cult club. It’s a non-exclusive club that 87% of all humans eventually belong to, a club that will sometimes unfortunately accept anyone. But still, you instantly feel really cool to be a part of this club.

You know how Jeep-owners have the “wave” that they do to other Jeep owners? I don’t even know if that’s real or not. My dad once owned a Jeep and decided it was real, and waved at every Jeep he saw. It was a little embarrassing, Being a parent is exactly like that, in the same endearing-but-cringey way. You nod and smile at every parent your age, just because. The club. That’s why.

There’s also a certain desperation in being a club member. It has this ONE OF US ONE OF US feeling about it. When new people get pregnant/indoctrinated, we’re all swarming around heavily breathing ONE OF US ONE OF US under our breath. It’s because we’re secretly glad they’ll no longer be the cool, traveling, bar-hopping, fancy-free young couples anymore. They’ll be like us — whatever we are.

Oh, we’re still us. Ahem. Believe me. We’re not those people who have to be home at 7PM to put the level-five nuclear-meltdown baby to bed. We go OUT. Just the other day… we went to a RESTAURANT. We go places. We do.

Of course, that restaurant was Red Lobster. In the burbs. And we got there at 5PM to beat the “crowds.” Because we’re suddenly afraid of vague things like “crowds” now. And it’s true, my kid is a champ who never melts down.

Instead, his preferred method of ruining evenings is taking mega craps that cause him to spit up volcanic amounts until it eventually pours from his nose and stains the nice luxuriant Red Lobster carpet.

Fortunately, I had already finished my meal and convinced myself that I was “having a good time,” so it was no big deal when I picked up the simultaneously pooping/puking baby. I’d just wipe him off.

And er, welp, more of it. Aaaand I’ll just wipe myself off now, too. Just a little spit-up. Whatever.

Still, more. Okay, I’ll just wear my coat over that. I’M STILL HAVING FUN BEING “OUT.”

Then came the regurgitated nose-milk, which soaked my jeans. And the aforementioned nice, luxuriant Red Lobster carpet. And then caused the kid to begin coughing, snorting, and crying all at the same time — a sound that’s much more dramatic than it really is. Then came his surprise, fear, and whimpering from the wildly new sensations of blowing up his sinuses, which is honestly just the stuff of heartbreak, the kind of thing that makes you want to go home, cuddle in bed, and stroke his head promising we’ll never leave the house again.

The family sitting behind me, who were also “out” with their baby, empathetically handed me an extra napkin and joked with me that they understood.


After having the kid, the wife gained like forty new parent friends overnight. I’m sort of awkward and twitchy, so I haven’t made nearly as many new friends, or actually any, but her friends are my friends, so there. And maybe, just maybe I’ll count that Red Lobster family among my friends, now, too. Actually, I’ve noticed a slight uptick in the number of “mom/dad blogger” followers I’ve gotten here. Oh, I’m counting you.

To the rest you, I’m so, so sorry. And join us. You should. It’s really fun. I swear.

PS: The Red Baron pizza-for-a-year winner was emailed!

Red Baron March Madness

Red Baron Flavor Madness Logo (1)

I’m going to give away the greatest prize in the universe to one lucky reader. A YEAR SUPPLY OF FROZEN PIZZA. Red Baron contacted me asking if I wanted to give this away. With zero hesitation, I was like hells yeah. Just think of the bragging rights you’d have.

“Dude, I won a year’s supply of random frozen pizzas off this random blog I read.”

More than pizza, I just wanted to give THAT SENTENCE to some lucky reader.

So please, please, God, people, enter this contest so I’m not just that sad blog that tried to give away random frozen pizza and failed. Running a blog contest is always the most nerve-wracking thing. Posting personal writing about my mom dying and son being born? Eh, that’s nothing. Trying to give away random frozen pizzas? OH MY GOD WHAT IF NO ONE ENTERS? IT MEANS I’M STUPID AND UNLOVEDDDDDDD.

Okay, I’m fairly certain Red Baron did not want the topic of my post to be nervous hand-wringing. However, when you contact The Surfing Pizza for advertising, it’s part of the package deal.

Now, let me shuffle through my talking points here. Ahem.

Red Baron Flavor Madness Promo (1)

To add to this bracket-crazed time of year, Red Baron is introducing a tournament of its own: The Red Baron Flavor Madness. Eight toppings – including two newly released options – will go head-to-head in a bracket competition that will crown the fan’s choice for top thin-and-crispy pizza.

Go here, go vote, go wild. Red Baron Flavor Madness

Flavors included in the bracket challenge: BBQ Chicken, Bacon Lovers, Bacon Luau, Bacon Club, Chicken Fiesta, Triple Cheeseburger, Vegetable Medley and Cheesy Alfredo.

Choose Bacon Luau because I just happen to like the word luau or possibly cheesy alfredo because I also like the word alfredo. I’m a little bummed that they gave the vegetarian option the worst name, “Vegetable Medley,” which no one is going to vote for, because the words vegetable medley sound way too much like the scoop of faded vegetables they serve in hospital cafeterias.

For filling out your pizza bracket, Red Baron is giving away a first prize flatscreen, as well as some other prizes, so check it out. They also asked me if I wanted to give away a year’s worth of pizzas, right here on the blog.


Seriously, you know this would change your life. You’ll have to freaking buy a second refrigerator to store your glorious treasure heap of five hundred Red Baron pizzas.

Don’t worry, it’s not really five hundred. And they send you coupons for the free pizzas.

Here is how your life will change after winning a year’s worth of Red Baron pizzas.

1) You freaking win. I email you. Slowly, the realization comes over you that this is the greatest day of your life.


2) First, you call your mom, telling her your great accomplishment:


3) You wait by the mailbox for the coupons to arrive.


4) Coupons arrive.


5) You make the pizza.


6) You find what you’ve been searching for your entire life.


7) This is you, twice a month, every month, for a year.



1) Leave a comment (as well as your email address in the proper field)

2) The comment topic is: Pizza. Duh. How do you feel about stuffed crust? Yes, always? Sometimes? What’s up with Dominos changing their recipe? How do you feel about pineapples on your pizza? Is extra cheese for real or is it just a scam? Is the generic pizza place down the street from you a hidden gem or a disgusting hellhole? What’s up with the new Pizza Hut fancy swirl flavors?

3) The contest runs through next Tuesday, March the 10th. I will email the winner on Wednesday morning, whom I will pick randomly!

Idyllic / Ideal


Yesterday I took a picture of my dog on my phone. Then for no reason at all, I began fiddling around with the filters. Then something amazing happened. As I happened upon a particular filter, I realized this was my dog’s album cover. This would be her album, if it came out in 1991 and was filled with lite-R&B/soft-rock pop songs.

I’ve spent a lot of time since then trying to think of what the album would be named. I keep going back to “Forever Your Girl,” but Paula Abdul already came out with that. And my dog is no Paula-Abdul-coat-tail-rider. Oh well. I’ll keep thinking on it.

Next I happened upon this shirt in my internet travels:


Five bucks, people. Free shipping. The Children’s Place, yo.

Holy shit, I had to have it. For my kid.

Then I restrained myself. Because impulse-buying guinea pig shirts seems like a bad road to start down. First off, our kid is growing at a freakish mutant rate. He only wears everything a handful of times before he looks like a sausage in it. Plus we just got two bags of hand-me-downs. Plus I’m still a little burnt over the last time I splurged on a bomb-diggity Air Jordan sweatsuit that the kid wore twice. Twice. And he didn’t exactly fit in it the second time.

Yes, I used the word “bomb diggity.”

Also see:


So later I mentioned the guinea pig face shirt to the wife. I expected her to tsk tsk me about wasting money, but instead she was like, “get it.” She said it with such firmness that it was somewhat alarming. GET IT. We disagree on many things, but apparently guinea pig face shirts for our son is not one of them.

I’ve been daydreaming about summer something fierce. So have you. It’s been perpetually four degrees forever. We didn’t make it to the beach last summer because pregnancy. I’ve already got a condo booked for an eight day beach vacation this summer. It will be our first “family vacation,” and we’re even taking the dog.

The other day the wife says, “the dog told me when we go to the beach, she wants to get a hot dog.”

The wife’s been daydreaming, too.

That’s what daydreams are. Thinking about buying a hot dog at the beach for the dog. Nothing more, nothing less.

“Where?” I ask.

“I don’t know. She wants to check out what’s available.”

Now I’ve spent the last few days running over the mental layouts and maps in my head of the beach, trying to locate a dog-friendly hot dog stand, where we can all sit at an outside picnic table, eating fries and ice cream and a hot dog. Daydreaming.

Another thing I’ve been daydreaming about is a place called King Kone. I have a BOGO coupon for a waffle cone. In some ways, I am planning my entire vacation around that waffle cone.


I will be taking a picture with that gorilla. Oh yes. I can only pray he’ll still be wearing the Santa Claus suit come July. He probably won’t, and I’ll only be a little bit heartbroken.

My coupon advertises that King Kone is the home of the infamous Gorilla Shake, but the storefront is clearly playing up the Gorilla Split. So which is it? Are they known for the shake or the split or what? People, put it down on your calendars. I’ll be solving this mystery July 2015. When I know, you’ll know. I won’t let you down.

This is life. Life with a baby has been this. Everything — even the mundane takes on this level of novelty and excitement. Everything is new. Everything is neat. Everything is loved, except for pureed peas. Suddenly everything before was just quantifiable. Everything now is un-quantifiable. Oceans, skies, outer space, worlds and worlds and worlds. Love, love. Stoned bliss. Idyllic, ideal.

Valentine’s Day Consideration Weirdness


For the first time since fifth grade, I got to buy a box of small cardboard valentines for my own kid to give out. Of course, the ones pictured above aren’t the ones I bought for my kid. They’re the ones I bought for myself.

And I admit, I’m lying about the Transformers ones. It’s not my first time. I bought those Transformers ones like two years ago when I had no kids. I still have no idea why, but maybe one day my kid will come to me in desperate need of throwback 1980s FREAKING HOLOGRAM Transformers Valentines, and I will save the day.

It really all boils down to that: I dream of saving the day.

So there the wife and I were in the Target aisle, sweating out this huge, critical joint-parental decision of What Valentines to Buy Our Kid. And we weren’t the only ones. Parents (and kids) were hardcore muscling each other around, vying for a prime spot to consider their options. It’s seriously as competitive and picked-over as a Hallmark on Mother’s Day or the pharmacy store on Christmas Eve.

Also, it’s worth mentioning my kid is seven months old. He can’t even give out valentines. He can’t even close his mouth when the dog comes at him full tongue out. Well, actually he seems to open it on purpose. But anyway, why are we even there at all. It’s more of an existential zen thought than it is a question.

Oh right. Baby Valentine’s Brunch, which is a bunch a babies in a room dressed in red sweaters, heart headbands, and bowties. I know it sounds lame, but my kid looked bomb and I ate a grilled breakfast burrito that had potatoes on the inside AND ON THE SIDE. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

Anyway, back to Target, where we’re considering arguing our options:

Jake and the Neverland Pirates: What even the crap is this.

Ninja Turtles: No, I want those for my collection, unless you want to buy two boxes.

Mello Smello: Oh hell yes, Mello Smello Valentines! (See above Ninja Turtles explanation.)

Batman: This isn’t “him.” It’s just not his personality. It’s too dark.

Spongebob: Ehhhh.

Hellscape Mickey Mouse: (That’s what I call Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, which always features Mickey and friends against a desolate, empty hellscape of boxy computer art.)

We begrudgingly settle on hellscape Mickey Mouse — moreso because other parents are starting to breathe down our necks at this point.

Next consideration strangely-intense argument: are we going to sign the Valentines “Love, Brian” ? Does he sign that to everyone or just to the girls? The wife suggests a fancy “XO, Brian.” I suggest he should just sign Brian but dot the i with a heart. The wife stares at me oddly for a disturbing amount of time.

Fortunately, we have our decision made for us when we realize the Valentine already fills in the word “From.” The whole dotting the i thing is never ever ever mentioned again.

Also for our Valentine’s Day consideration weirdness:


Lunchables makes Valentines, yo.


You know how Lunchables makes a half-hearted pretense of being somewhat healthy? I mean, not really, but you know how they make a pretense of being somewhat at least “lunch-like?”

Here, they wildly do away with all of that. They just give you random chocolate chips and a scoop of neon pink cake frosting. It’s liberating. It’s radical. It sugar — and absolutely nothing else, six different ways.

You get:

– Gummy worms
– Crushed bits of Oreo
– Chocolate syrup

I rate this combination “terrible” because in no way do gummy worms pair well with chocolate syrup, and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with crushed cookies.

And in the other:

– Pink stuff
– Graham crackers
– Chocolate chips

I rate this combination “slightly better” because of the pink stuff, the dippability (not a word) of the graham crackers in said pink stuff, and oh those random, weird chocolate chips. I like you. I do.


I would have preferred an easier way to eat all of this. Well, really, I would have preferred to not eat any of this. But I did for you. For “the blog.” I would have preferred more actual “things” like gummy worms, and not just a big gob of chocolate syrup and crushed cookies. Still, there’s something just so “no fucks given” about this, and I have to says Props, Lunchables.

The Priest of Woodland Creatures


My son is the priest of woodland creatures. That’s what he looks like to me. The wife said it first. She gets full credit. If I don’t give her full credit right here and now, I’ll hear about it later.

We put him in his sleep sack, a winter garment for sleeping, which zips onto him and drapes down like some sort of ceremonial robe. It has pastel raccoon and deer patterned on it.

“He looks like a woodland creature priest,” the wife says.

I don’t even know what a woodland creature priest is, but it would most definitely be a baby. A baby with a perfectly round, cherubic head and sparkling eyes. And with fat little cheeks, which the critters would all relate to — fat cheeks are for foraging, for storing away acorns, and for hiding absolutely disgusting curds of formula for later spitting up on just-washed shirts.

Now, if can you picture it, the sleep sack would allow him to “float” through the woods. I know that sounds kind of creepy, but it’s a lot less creepy than trying to picture him walking with those ham-hock baby thunder thighs he’s got going on at seven-months old.

He would hang out in the woods after everyone else went to bed. He would spend time among the chipmunks and hedgehogs, anointing them and absolving them of things. He would address the various spiritual concerns of squirrels. He would visit the sick rabbits and sit with them. He would teach foxes and lead them to Jesus.

In the mornings, when I wake up to sounds of baby babble — which I’d always previously thought was him talking to himself — I’d know it was actually a prayer for the raccoons, although I don’t know why anyone would ever pray for them.

And I don’t know why foxes would need Jesus.

I do know this however: raccoons know how to undo bungee cords, even a cleverly-designed interlocking labyrinth of them clamping a trashcan shut.