Return of Shark Monday

corals-2

It’s Shark Monday again everyone. I’ve got more shark things to show you.

Yesterday we went to aquarium for Valentine’s Day. I’ve been wanting to go, but needed a special occasion to justify the thirty dollar price tag. Throw in lunch and a souvenir, and I’m looking at the most expensive day of my life. I had a perfect lunch though — a jumbo pretzel and a strawberry soda. The soda was an astonishing $3.25 — as much as admission to the freaking dolphin show, and believe me, the dolphin show was nothing to write home to Mom about. There was not a single dolphin jumping through flaming hula hoops.

The aquarium was packed, a cesspool full of coughing children. Kids were going nuts, kissing the glass tanks, banging on them, and just pawing all over the place. I kept thinking of the scene in Free Willy where the kids are banging on the glass and Free Willy flips the fuck out. But none of these fish had it in them.

When we first got inside the aquarium, we were so amazed at everything that we took like 50 pictures of a bunch of turtles and fish. There was one turtle that had a weird, long neck. We called him Snake Turtle. He was one of my favorites.

snaketurtle-2

After five levels of fish, they all began to look the same. Fish are stupid. Sharks were the last exhibit and totally worth the wait. I wanted to see a Hammerhead, but they didn’t have one. I also wanted to see a Megalodon, but they’re extinct. Megalodons were huge, could swallow 4 whales at once, and had livers that weighed 2000 lbs. Not shitting you.

However, here is something shitting you–you have to watch this. It’s funny as hell. I’m not sure what B-Movie this is. A shark swallows a man on a jet ski whole though. It’s so worth a minute of your life.

UPDATE: The movie is called Red Water, starring Lou Diamond Phillips and Kristy Swanson (of the original Buffy movie!). Man, did Lou purposely do all these B-films in some sort of ironic knowingness?

After the aquarium, we continued the nautical theme to the day by eating a “class act” dinner at Red Lobster. The wait was two hours, and if you have ever wondered what sort of jackasses would wait two hours to eat at a Red Lobster, wonder no more. We weren’t sat until 9:30pm. I had a Long Island Iced Tea and popcorn shrimp.

Now, here’s my “shark thing” of the week — a Hammerhead biter/gripper. I bought this guy at the aquarium’s gift shop, and I noticed he was very expressive and a bit of a ham on camera.

The Many Moods of a Hammerhead Shark:

dscn1976-2

happy.

dscn1979-2

agony.

dscn1988-2

hungry.

dscn1981-2

pensive.

dscn1996-2

chatty.

dscn1991-2

repentant.

dscn2001-2

surfing usa.

Happy Shark Monday!

Shark Monday

Today is Shark Monday because I decided it was, and I am the great and powerful blogger. So Happy Shark Monday! Also it’s because I have two shark things to show you. Two shark things and one elephant thing.

First shark thing:

dscn1910

I bought this shark beverage coozy at the thrift store, and it’s from Sharks Underwater Grill in Seaworld. I bought it as a reminder that I must dine in this underwater fish tank. What a drag it is to eat above water yer whole life. Just one day of my life, I’d like to dine under water, in an air-tight aquarium of course, with sharks teeming on the outside. I’m so ready for it. I’ve even looked at the menu and picked out what I would order.

There are no sharks on the actual Sharks Grill menu, just like there’s no actual girl scouts in girl scout cookies. That sucks, both about the sharks and the cookies. Guess I just have to settle on fingers in the Fish-a-Majigs at Friendly’s.

There is however an intriguing dessert on the menu called the Loan Shark Brownie. I love a good pun.

Second Shark Thing:

I summoned my inner-Spielberg to make this short film. I shot this about 6 times, this clip being the final masterpiece version. The other 5 are going to be released on the special edition DVD as a making-of featurette. What you’ll be most surprised to learn from my DVD is that it’s not a dog toy. This doofy looking fella is an actual Universal Studios licensed Jaws product.

One Elephant Thing:

I reenacted the circus in my bedroom with a couple of things I had lying around. Like oh, a remote control elephant. And a mini firing cannon. And a full-length LP of circus music. I’m a collector of junk. We have these kinds of things lying around. You’ll see I didn’t even bother to clean my room before videotaping it for the whole world to see. I just sort of shoved everything to the sides to make way for the elephant with red eyes. That thing is freaky. It’s the first thing that would try to kill me if the toys came alive at night.