We didn’t believe that Toys R Us would actually die, the sixty-five-year-old chain with eight-hundred stores across the United States. It was too abstract and strange to imagine. From bikes to trains to video games, it was the biggest toy store there is, as the infamous jingle sang. We were the kids who didn’t want to … More Toys R Us Kid
I was at the thrift store buying up junk to flip on eBay when I encountered the ghost in the form of a Giant Filthy Busted Ninja Turtle (from here abbreviated as GFBNT). More specifically, it was a three-foot tall, Ace Novelty 1989 plush Ninja Turtle that could wear a size four children’s pants in … More I Am Documenting Giant Filthy Busted Ninja Turtle. For You.
I’m not friends with any of these people, but suddenly I want to gather them all in the same room for the purpose of conducting a perverse psychological experiment on my own brain. In the last twenty-four hours, I’ve gone from “I couldn’t care less about high school” to I want to help organize the … More The Grand Illusion
This weekend we had people over, and because I am an extreme introvert, I hyped myself up warming up in b-ball shorts and a hoodie, wearing my Beats headphones shadow boxing to Barbra Steisand singing People from Funny Girl. I am a human Transformer. I can switch my insides outside and become Extroverted Exoskeleton. If … More Extroverted Exoskeleton
Up until just this very moment, I’ve avoided talking about Toys R Us going out of business. It hurts. We live near a huge Toys R Us/Babies R Us behemoth of a store. In the early days when we first had our baby son, I would just go there out of a sense of purpose, … More You Guys, I Bought That Derp Donut Thing