Life, Turtles, The Snot Sucker

I'm still here. We're doing great. We have 66 days to go, or more, or less, depending on how much you want to scare us. The wife is big, stunning, gorgeous. Actually, all of the above. I've been productive. I painted the nursery. I built the crib. I finally tackled the mold growing on the … Continue reading Life, Turtles, The Snot Sucker

Plumbing 101 / Painting 101

The nightmare started when the toilet overflowed. In fact, that's how every nightmare starts. I'm going to make a horror movie. Instead of creaking floorboards or strange noises at the window, the protagonist will first be alarmed when all they hear is the toilet still running. It's still running. Longer than usual. Why could that … Continue reading Plumbing 101 / Painting 101

Cooking with the Surfing Pizza: Drop Biscuits and Eggs

After a teeny-tiny scare in which everything is completely okay, the doctor advised the wife to take it easy over the weekend. No lifting, no exercise, no vigorous activity. She took it literally. I took it to mean NO MOVEMENT WHATSOEVER FOR THE REST OF THE DURATION OF THIS PREGNANCY. She wasn't having it. Okay, … Continue reading Cooking with the Surfing Pizza: Drop Biscuits and Eggs

Untitled. Or, a Work in Progress.

So this thing, uh, happened. The wife is pregnant. Baby pizza is due in July. We're both excited and terrified. Well, the wife just wants a churro—no, a soft pretzel—no, pancakes. LIKE RIGHT NOW. And I'm enjoying laughing at her random cravings, although it's really more of a nervous laughter. We started the journey over … Continue reading Untitled. Or, a Work in Progress.

The Most Wal-Mart Purchase at Wal-Mart

Life is going. I'm sad. I'm okay. This forty-five dollar purchase from Wal-Mart encapsulates my life right now: two pairs of sweatpants, an inflatable raccoon, two cans of Pringles, waffles, and milk. This is the most Wal-Mart purchase at Wal-Mart, ever. At least for me. It's some kind of personal record. I've discovered wearing sweatpants … Continue reading The Most Wal-Mart Purchase at Wal-Mart