List: What Comes With the Wendy’s $5 Biggie Bag?

  • Burger, fries, nuggets, feral cat
  • Diet soda because you’re watching your figure, and there’s like eight thousand calories in a cat. You figure a pound of bone, six pounds of hanging weight, at around 1329 kcal per lb
  • Just kidding, keeping the cat as a pet, his name is Mr. Snugglemuffins
  • The echoing voices of your ancestors who arrived at Ellis Island via ocean passage to achieve their dreams by the beautiful city
  • Wait no, that was just the guttural yowling of Mr. Snugglemuffins
  • Napkins, if you’re lucky
  • The not-yet-ripe apple you picked off a tree as a child, curiously, impulsively. Green and hard, it was imperfect, not like the ruby-red roided-out ones you find in the grocery store. You daydreamed over that apple, considering its speckled, strange nature, like a golf ball bitten by gnats, feeling it — really feeling it — in your tiny fist. It was the first time you considered the fecundity of life. Suddenly an elder cousin of your mom’s snapped you out it, scolding you for picking the unripe apple. She was really hardcore about those apples.
  • How the fuck does this apple still exist and how did Wendy’s get a hold of it?
  • Organic farm-to-table tumor
  • All-4-One Cassingle I Swear — freaking YES, score, such a jam!
  • Colon blow prevention pamphlet
  • Long-Term Living with Colon Blow pamphlet, just in case you don’t heed the tips in the first pamphlet
  • Bowling trophy from when you had actual dreams — not good ones — but hell at least you had them
  • A copy Sweatin’ to The Oldies, the Complete Collection 30th Anniversary Edition, missing disc 4
  • A woman in a long denim skirt. who timidly approaches your table as you shove soppy fries in your mouth. She asks if you know you are loved.  As you consider her question, you study her glasses, obviously purchased from the dimly-lit budget section at America’s Best.
  • An elderly woman who breathlessly, raggedly follows you into the bathroom and points out this is the restroom of the gender you’re apparently not presenting as today
  • Christ, now there’s yet a third woman approaching with prayer warrior passion, ready to seal the deal between you and Jesus, like she’s the clean up hitter of Christianity. Here we go! Scoring for Jesus… Announcer: Bev! Fans: Wagner! Announcer: Bev! Fans: Wagner!
  • Each of these women come to visit you like the three ghosts of Christmas. This never happens when you eat at a Burger King or McDonald’s.
  • Of course McDonald’s has Grimace… what is he? A big purple triangular wad? He freaks you out. Burger King has that ominous long chicken sandwich.  Something ain’t right about it. It’s like it had aspirations to be a sub, but ended up as the rubbery chicken sandwich served in a hospital cafeteria. Then there’s Taco Bell. Things just get freaky there, period.
  • Wendy’s comes with eternal salvation. And Mr. Snugglemuffins. He bit you and now you’re afraid you have rabies. Fucking great. 

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