Let’s Deconstruct This Craigslist Ad


We’re having a second kid at some point IN THE NEXT TWELVE DAYS. It’s been an intense winter of one parent being sick every weekend (thanks kid #1 newly-adjusted to preschool), cleaning out our “hoarder room/spare bedroom” to make it a child’s bedroom, and just generally trying to survive life with a nearly three-year-old boy and pregnant wife. As such, I’ve been in a hibernation from writing. But there is one thing that can pull me out of my hibernation.



As an old friend messaged me yesterday, “With everything going on right now, I thought maybe a craigslist lot of stuffed Alfs could make it onto your priority list.”

Tempting. An entire documentary could be made about me contacting this person, going to their house, loading seven trashbags of Alf dolls into my trunk, and coming home to my wife who is about to give birth literally any minute. I would seriously win every prize on the indie film circuit.

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Like I said. Tempting. Instead, we’ll all just have to settle for a short deconstruction of everything PERFECT about this ad.

  1. (Pictured are about 2 bags worth.)
  2. There’s about 25 ALFs shown, so there’s likely a rough estimate of 90 ALFs total. At $80 for the lot, it’s about .88 cents per ALF. This lot is PRICED TO MOVE.
  3. “Would be great for claw machines,homeless children, or daycare’s at naptime to cuddle with.”
  4. Part of the documentary would be about me attempting to make this person’s final wishes for their ALF collection come true. I could go around handing out the ALFs to homeless kids in the city like some sort of ALF Mother Theresa.
  5. “a bit so a small shot of Fabreeze would freshen them right up.”
  6.  “Fabreeze”
  7.  Would it?
  8. According to the internet the best way to clean plush dolls is clean them with a dish soap/water solution. Gently rub the entire surface of the toy with a rag soaked in the solution. Next, gently rinse the solution off the toy with warm water and pat dry. Or just set the whole pile on fire.
  9. The couch! The wallpaper! The carpet!
  10.  If you’re interested, here’s the direct link to contact: https://baltimore.craigslist.org/tag/6052239808.html




9 thoughts on “Let’s Deconstruct This Craigslist Ad

  1. This is so fantastic, although I must say I’m a little disappointed that you didn’t go for it! You would even get an Alf themed nursery, no decorating needed! Also, I would totally watch the documentary you described.

    And, Congrats on baby number 2! I hope all goes well with the delivery and your upcoming sleep-deprived nights!

  2. I absolutely love this. I had a few Alfs in my life. A couple from Burger King, I believe and a more expensive, talking Alf that I got from my parents for Christmas. I’m glad you didn’t adopt all these Alfs ’cause you got a baby on the way! Congrats! You need the room now. When our son was 3 and we were expecting our second child, we had to convert our “fun” room (tons of my husbands LEGOs, my Buffy the Vampire Slayer stuff, husband’s swords, our dual computers so we could game at the same time…yeah it was a nerd’s paradise) into our bedroom to get ready to make room for the baby. It’s like a right of passage. But someday soon you will be able to adopt bags of stuffed animals from the 80’s to your heart’s content. They little ones grow up so quickly. Again, CONGRATS!

  3. I love the fact the ad specifically states “must take all” like we can’t separate the ALFs without causing some kind of trauma to them individually. It’s a shame because at that price I might have taken a bag, but I can’t use nine.
    Actually on reflection:
    1. I live in the UK which is quite far away so the cost would probably go up.
    2. Even a single bag of ALFs is probably more ALFs than I need at this moment.
    3. On further reflection I haven’t needed any ALFs since the 1980s and even then ‘need’ was a strong word…

  4. Do you still have these alfs? My twin sister pasted away 17 years ago due to getting into car with drunk driver and i have 2, but been wanting more to stick at get grave and for me and my kids to know things about her for them to keep. If u still have i Want them plz thanks

  5. Maintenance is an essential part of our service.For that Our flagging service will give you guarantee for your company and your services a trustworthy commitment from our professional to you, We provide daily reports on your work. we honor only unique flagged ads for any reason you want it to be flagged. We make sure you receive best quality and immediate assistance from us.

  6. Buddy, I’m here almost four years later and this post is still funny as shit.

    Good on ya, hope the wife forgave you (either for getting the Alfs or not getting the Alfs).

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