Greetings From the Other Side

Greetings from the other side of this goddamn bullshit depression over the fucking shit-awful election and country.

“Under certain circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.” – Mark Twain

Alright, got that off my chest.

I don’t know where to start, but all of my news is so impressive and awesome that it’s absolutely necessary to write it in ALL CAPS.

1. I HAVE MIKE TYSON’S AUTOGRAPH ON THE MOST AWESOME PICTURE EVER

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This is my absolute favorite video game in life, but it was especially important to me as a kid. This basically completes my childhood. My good friend actually won this at an auction and gave it to me. He sort of owed me though, because I took him with me to meet his lifetime hero…

2) I MET BRIAN WILSON (of the Beach Boys!)

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Maybe two people out there remember, but a while back I whored out my blog and Twitter trying to force people to watch Brian Wilson videos so that I might win a contest to go to his Pet Sounds concert, meet him, and get some stuff signed. I hated begging for ad revenue clicks, but guess what… I actually won. I named my first-born son Brian after the man; his music means that much to me. The show was great, and the meet and greet was intense and nerve-wracking. It lasted about 3.2 seconds — they herd you through quickly, possibly to prevent the somewhat-fragile Brian Wilson from having a panic attack himself. I told him that I named my kid after him, and he replied thanks. I’m not sure if he really registered what I said —  the stilted, awkward “thanks” seemed more of an automatic safe-word that he said to everyone — but I was really just honored to be there and say my thank-you to him.

Plus I got some great things to pass on to my son, Brian. Being a parent is the weirdest thing. As a record collector, this is basically end game. Two iconic, life-changing records signed by the artist. And yet I’m just thinking, hey, maybe one day my kid will actually be impressed with me.

3) I HAVE AN ARCADE CABINET IN MY BASEMENT

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Same friend. He won this. We’re having a bizarre winning-streak between the two of us. It’s a 60-in-1 multicade. He actually had absolutely no place to keep a gigantic full-size arcade cabinet, but he entered the contest — because it wasn’t like he was really going to win, right? So it’s currently living on loan in my basement: another  childhood-completion dream come true for me. And a hoarder-circle-completion nightmare come true for my wife.

4) I WON THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS.

I won playing fantasy football on Fanduel in Week 4. Thank you Matt Ryan to Julio Jones. I plan to pay off my car. I haven’t done so yet because I’m a little superstitious. Everyone knows that cars become self-aware the precise moment you pay them off and the check-engine light comes on.

5) MOST IMPORTANT, BEST NEWS. WE’RE HAVING A BABY GIRL.

Best for last. We’re having a baby girl in April. My son is two right now, so they’ll be great ages together. I’m looking forward to seeing what having a girl is like. I feel like I’ve gotten such a special gift to find out what having one of each is. We found out way back in July, which feels like a different century now. It was sort of surprising and unexpected. We’re donezo now. (Do teenagers still say that? I have a feeling they don’t.) Family complete though.

I’d love to start writing again more about family life and the hilarity of it all. It’s in the cards, if I can beat past the bullshit in my head.

Man, I’m looking forward to Christmas. Last night I had this idea for a series of blog posts… My Two Year Old’s Attention Span for Christmas Classics. The kid can watch hours of Paw Patrol like a zombie. He can actually read several words and do some simple math, even though he’s not even two and a half. His concentration levels are beyond impressive. But the moment I put on an “old-timey” cartoon? He’d rather eat broccoli.

Will the kiddo make it through the Cricket on the Hearth before he pulls the dog’s tail and challenges her to a creature duel? Will I even make it through? Will the wife stay awake past the first two minutes? WTF EVEN IS CRICKET ON THE HEARTH?

It’s gotta be more entertaining than the never-ending political hell we’re in. I’ll try to do my part and keep you slightly distracted. It will make me feel worthwhile.

Stay tuned.

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13 responses to “Greetings From the Other Side

  1. Congrats! All of your news is amazing, although personally I’m most jealous about meeting Brian Wilson. But I’m also happy for you and your wife about baby number 2 despite never having met you. I look forward to your writing more, I definitely appreciate any fun distraction from the news!

  2. I love everything about this post. Congrats on it all. I’m an April baby and I’ve always felt it is the bestest month to have a birthday. Also, your introductory statement had me laughing my gd ass off. I’ve always been grateful to those that bring levity to intense or depressing situations, so thank you.

  3. Nice to hear all of the good things happening in your life, and I think most of us feel the same way about the entire election from the appalling Primary to the General election. And most of us are still swearing like sailors.

  4. Congratulations! I have two boys about that age difference and it’s great. And yeah, the post-election depression is still looming over everyone in my family. Congrats as well on winning $3,000. That’s awesome!

  5. I love so much positive when everything around us is saturated with negative right now!

  6. Thank you for this post. It was a bright spot of news that was much needed today. I think you’ve tapped into something non-Newtonian with your streak of contest winnings. Since learning the outcome of the election, I have started buying daily lotto tickets since I now believe the universe is ripe for all kinds of unlikely happenings. One word of caution, however – never say “donezo” when talking about family planning. It’s akin to paying off the car loan. You’ll be pregnant as soon as the words leave your lips. As a measure of security, you should hold onto the crib. Once you sell it, you’ll be welcoming Baby Surfing Pizza #3. Thanks again for the welcome news in my inbox.

  7. Glad to hear you’re going well. I’ve been following The Surfing Pizza since late 2012, and I know things have been very up and down since. Congratulations on the impending arrival and all the best!

  8. Thanks for this post, but “phooey” on Tyson! There. Congrats on having a girl baby and would love to read more about your just-right family.

  9. You sure are on a winning streak, Pizza. That’s fantastic, I’m delighted for you and the Mrs. on your baby girl. Having a little girl to dote sounds like it is exactly what you need right now :)

  10. Congratulations, Pizza. Hope the kids get along… Yep, I said it. My brother is two years older and he made me a much stronger and persistent person. But I never did give in and say, ‘Uncle’ to him. I said – go ahead and break it and we’ll see who gets in trouble. Hee! Anyway, we do get along nicely.

    Also – I voted for your Wilsoning by viewing twice – I feel great about your meet and greet, too. He talked! Signatures!

    Separately, this great country will survive another bout of madness and idiocy and we all will come out and vote next time. (Instead of just *talking* about the country and then – I’m looking at you, famous and un-famous people – not bothering to actually vote.)

    The country remains great – the people just might get additional political education over the next few years. We can work on that, but they have to pay more attention in the ‘life lessons’ class or the ‘self-help’ class. Or maybe the ‘recent history’ class?

    We still have freedom of speech. And that is a huge, happy
    Woo!

  11. and… you also have numchuks hanging on the wall in your basement?

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