Greetings from the other side of this goddamn bullshit depression over the fucking shit-awful election and country.
“Under certain circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.” – Mark Twain
Alright, got that off my chest.
I don’t know where to start, but all of my news is so impressive and awesome that it’s absolutely necessary to write it in ALL CAPS.
1. I HAVE MIKE TYSON’S AUTOGRAPH ON THE MOST AWESOME PICTURE EVER
This is my absolute favorite video game in life, but it was especially important to me as a kid. This basically completes my childhood. My good friend actually won this at an auction and gave it to me. He sort of owed me though, because I took him with me to meet his lifetime hero…
2) I MET BRIAN WILSON (of the Beach Boys!)
Maybe two people out there remember, but a while back I whored out my blog and Twitter trying to force people to watch Brian Wilson videos so that I might win a contest to go to his Pet Sounds concert, meet him, and get some stuff signed. I hated begging for ad revenue clicks, but guess what… I actually won. I named my first-born son Brian after the man; his music means that much to me. The show was great, and the meet and greet was intense and nerve-wracking. It lasted about 3.2 seconds — they herd you through quickly, possibly to prevent the somewhat-fragile Brian Wilson from having a panic attack himself. I told him that I named my kid after him, and he replied thanks. I’m not sure if he really registered what I said — the stilted, awkward “thanks” seemed more of an automatic safe-word that he said to everyone — but I was really just honored to be there and say my thank-you to him.
Plus I got some great things to pass on to my son, Brian. Being a parent is the weirdest thing. As a record collector, this is basically end game. Two iconic, life-changing records signed by the artist. And yet I’m just thinking, hey, maybe one day my kid will actually be impressed with me.
3) I HAVE AN ARCADE CABINET IN MY BASEMENT
Same friend. He won this. We’re having a bizarre winning-streak between the two of us. It’s a 60-in-1 multicade. He actually had absolutely no place to keep a gigantic full-size arcade cabinet, but he entered the contest — because it wasn’t like he was really going to win, right? So it’s currently living on loan in my basement: another childhood-completion dream come true for me. And a hoarder-circle-completion nightmare come true for my wife.
4) I WON THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS.
I won playing fantasy football on Fanduel in Week 4. Thank you Matt Ryan to Julio Jones. I plan to pay off my car. I haven’t done so yet because I’m a little superstitious. Everyone knows that cars become self-aware the precise moment you pay them off and the check-engine light comes on.
5) MOST IMPORTANT, BEST NEWS. WE’RE HAVING A BABY GIRL.
Best for last. We’re having a baby girl in April. My son is two right now, so they’ll be great ages together. I’m looking forward to seeing what having a girl is like. I feel like I’ve gotten such a special gift to find out what having one of each is. We found out way back in July, which feels like a different century now. It was sort of surprising and unexpected. We’re donezo now. (Do teenagers still say that? I have a feeling they don’t.) Family complete though.
I’d love to start writing again more about family life and the hilarity of it all. It’s in the cards, if I can beat past the bullshit in my head.
Man, I’m looking forward to Christmas. Last night I had this idea for a series of blog posts… My Two Year Old’s Attention Span for Christmas Classics. The kid can watch hours of Paw Patrol like a zombie. He can actually read several words and do some simple math, even though he’s not even two and a half. His concentration levels are beyond impressive. But the moment I put on an “old-timey” cartoon? He’d rather eat broccoli.
Will the kiddo make it through the Cricket on the Hearth before he pulls the dog’s tail and challenges her to a creature duel? Will I even make it through? Will the wife stay awake past the first two minutes? WTF EVEN IS CRICKET ON THE HEARTH?
It’s gotta be more entertaining than the never-ending political hell we’re in. I’ll try to do my part and keep you slightly distracted. It will make me feel worthwhile.