The other day it occured to me that I have no idea if I’ve actually been on a Slip ‘N Slide or if the disappointment of it is just so palpable that I have false memories. Maybe it rules to other people, but my imagination of how things are going to be is just so overactive that I’m eternally disappointed. My wife hates that about me. It makes me sound like a miserable person, but I swear I’m not. I’m actually an optimist. I just want the Slip and Slide TO RULE SO HARD.
I want it to be Disney World meets World’s Biggest Waterslide meets Log Flume meets SPLASH POOL WAVE LAGOON THING. What is that? I don’t know. I don’t know. I just want it. I want water and thrills and speed.
Instead what I get is a tepid yellow mat in the backyard where the dog poops, some water spraying out of the hose, and a splash pool at the end with bugs already floating in it. And my parents are already mentioning the water bill and the time limit. The water is less like a wild spray and more like a polite water fountain.
Still, in some ways, that would be okay, because I’m also imagining a party. I’m imagining popularity. Having a Slip ‘N Slide warrants inviting everyone we know to the house — all my friends, even celebrities.
Instead, in reality, I have no friends, but at least my sister is there. And my mom says maybe we can invite over our cousins next weekend.
Alright, still, as a child I have extended patience and hope. The thing is not Splash Mountain in my backyard, I have no friends, but the Slip ‘N Slide is still FUN, right? I remember running towards it, hurling my body down, and sliding like lightening speed… right?
No. I remember PAIN. The feeling of hitting the hard ground on my chest, and then sadly scooting myself down the mat until hitting the sad pathetic pool at the end, which is like two inches of water.
I think I remember. Or maybe I’m making this up. Is it a repressed memory? A false memory? Did we own a Slip ‘N Slide or am I just compensating for the disappointment of never having one? Is all of this true, but I can’t fully remember because I’ve blocked the memory out of disappointment?
The Slip ‘N Slide: Iconic, enigmatic, totally stupid.