My Kid’s First Birthday Party


Having never really arranged or thrown a big party before, I sort of pictured a one-year-old’s birthday in the park on a mid-summer afternoon a chill event. You rent a pavilion, you bring a cornhole set, you eat popcorn, drink soda and beer, and you watch a baby smash cake in his face.

All of that happened, so it was a success.

Of course, all of that only happens after a few analytical freak-outs about how many sodas, chips, sandwiches, and party blowers one should buy, laying awake nights calculating complex algebraic ratios of invited guests to Mug Root Beers to Orange Crush sodas. And because I’m insane or can’t do math, it’s easier to just buy a hundred sodas and let the world burn. I imagine dropping a lit match on the fuel-soaked Costco as I swagger out with my “party pack” of sodas in my arms.

Then there’s the decorations, which, the less said about that, the better. The party was Ninja Turtle themed, so just go ahead and multiply my love of Ninja Turtles by one hundred, and you will arrive at roughly what I spent on decor and green napkins.

Also, it was 105 degrees.

Today it is also 105 degrees, but my happy thought today is that I do not have to host a baby’s birthday party in it. Whee!

However, yesterday…well, nobody got heat stroke, so it was a success.

The main reason I’m writing this post though is because my kid got a Powerwheels Car. Grandpa bought it for him. What the hell, Grandpa? I never got a Powerwheels Car when I was a kid.


Now my dad will try to sell you some sob story about how he once sold a kidney to buy me a Sega Genesis during Christmas season…

Still. Not a Powerwheels.

My kid is a freaking baby. He can’t even drive it. So I went ahead and “tested” the Powerwheels out, my weight putting roughly 10x the stress limit on the motor, but whatever, I’m due this. That bad boy RIPPED across the living at two miles per hour and it was possibly the greatest, longest-awaited two seconds of my life.

Update: I let my kid ride it. I mean, yeah, he’s still a freaking baby, but what’s the worst that could happen? Don’t answer that. I held him really good. And he loved it. Okay, yeah, that was way more fun than me riding it.


7 responses to “My Kid’s First Birthday Party

  1. I am also in the “didn’t get a powerwheels” boat and I am now insanely jealous of you/your child.

    On another note, I would like to see pictures of these TMNT decorations…did you attempt to make Ninja Turtle pudding pies again?

  2. The decorations. I can just picture it. Ninja turtles everywhere…

    Also, Powerwheels Cars are awesome. I think. Never had one, so…..

  3. you need to buy him this. I’m buying it for my boyfriend … cause he’s 31 and has more toys than a 4 year old

  4. I never got powerwheels either. Also, I feel like on a slightly related note it’s worth mentioning, I was given an easybake oven that either had a broken bulb that was never replaced or I was never even provided a bulb to go in it. What the hell, mom and dad?

    Glad the first party was a success.

  5. So cute.. thanks for sharing your joy .. :)

  6. Simply brilliant. Thank you for being the outspoken manchild you are! May all manchildren rule the world one day! I raise a Mug Root Beer to you!

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