Having never really arranged or thrown a big party before, I sort of pictured a one-year-old’s birthday in the park on a mid-summer afternoon a chill event. You rent a pavilion, you bring a cornhole set, you eat popcorn, drink soda and beer, and you watch a baby smash cake in his face.
All of that happened, so it was a success.
Of course, all of that only happens after a few analytical freak-outs about how many sodas, chips, sandwiches, and party blowers one should buy, laying awake nights calculating complex algebraic ratios of invited guests to Mug Root Beers to Orange Crush sodas. And because I’m insane or can’t do math, it’s easier to just buy a hundred sodas and let the world burn. I imagine dropping a lit match on the fuel-soaked Costco as I swagger out with my “party pack” of sodas in my arms.
Then there’s the decorations, which, the less said about that, the better. The party was Ninja Turtle themed, so just go ahead and multiply my love of Ninja Turtles by one hundred, and you will arrive at roughly what I spent on decor and green napkins.
Also, it was 105 degrees.
Today it is also 105 degrees, but my happy thought today is that I do not have to host a baby’s birthday party in it. Whee!
However, yesterday…well, nobody got heat stroke, so it was a success.
The main reason I’m writing this post though is because my kid got a Powerwheels Car. Grandpa bought it for him. What the hell, Grandpa? I never got a Powerwheels Car when I was a kid.
Now my dad will try to sell you some sob story about how he once sold a kidney to buy me a Sega Genesis during Christmas season…
Still. Not a Powerwheels.
My kid is a freaking baby. He can’t even drive it. So I went ahead and “tested” the Powerwheels out, my weight putting roughly 10x the stress limit on the motor, but whatever, I’m due this. That bad boy RIPPED across the living at two miles per hour and it was possibly the greatest, longest-awaited two seconds of my life.
Update: I let my kid ride it. I mean, yeah, he’s still a freaking baby, but what’s the worst that could happen? Don’t answer that. I held him really good. And he loved it. Okay, yeah, that was way more fun than me riding it.