The Worst Ninja Turtles Things I Am Hoarding

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I have an awesome Ninja Turtles collection. But sometimes it is not awesome. Because some of these things are trash.

Like this. This dirty half-Santa Claus Raphael.

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What is this? Is it a half Santa, half Turtle? Where is the rest of it? Where is the beard, the hat? I do not have the answers to this, and yet I BOUGHT THIS.

The eye mask doesn’t even fit right. One eye is severely yellowed. The whole stuffed animal is severely yellowed. And somewhat brown. The tag looks like it was chewed off by a feral child.

Side note: The first time I ever used the word “feral” in a sentence, I didn’t quite understand what it meant, and so I used it to describe a squirrel. As in, the tag looks like it was chewed off by a feral squirrel.

The response I got was, “aren’t all squirrels feral?”

Whatever. I’m sure there are some out there who live in civilized colonies.

Then there’s this. This doesn’t even belong to me.

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It’s 12″ inch single of Turtle Power by Partners in Kryme, from the movie soundtrack. No one should own this for the following reasons:

1. No one knows this is even a real song in the movie.
2. No one knows this is even a real group with other real songs.

And also, like I said, this isn’t even mine. I’m just hoarding it. It belongs to my friend, and I was like dude, I need that. So he lent it to me for display in my collection, like it’s the on-loan Hope Diamond at the Smithsonian, only downgrade that by about six million.

Then I just have like, actual trash, too.

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I consumed all of these products and when I was finished I did not throw them away. I put them in my basement on the shelf. The wife doesn’t even know I did this. Until she reads this sentence. Hi honey.

I didn’t even buy that soda. The guy at the flooring store offered us sodas when we were looking at laminate, and I took one, drank it, left the the store with the empty can and saved it. That minor detail somehow makes it even worse.

No hoard is complete without a rotting pile of crappy VHS tapes.

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….Or the random box of Band-Aids.

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…Or the stash of Valentines.

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…or the four sealed boxes of mac & cheese.

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Here’s another thing no one should own:

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An actual toy from the Turtles III movie. The movie is so half-assed that it doesn’t even have a proper name. You can see the box art sort of struggles with this concept by calling it both Movie III and Turtle III Movie. For the DVD release, they gave it a subtitle of Turtles in Time, but that’s neither here nor there.

I found this at the flea market:

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Oh look, a decomposing partially melted candle of Raphael, which I originally mistook for a hardened gob of Play-Doh at the bottom of a box next to a dustbunny and hairpin. Sure, I’ll give you fifty cents for this.

Finally, how about this:

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Yay, a flash gun with a visibly corroding thirty-year-old battery leaking acid. Yay, lead poisoning.

Yay, hoarding.

Yay.

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12 responses to “The Worst Ninja Turtles Things I Am Hoarding

  1. I see nothing wrong with this, except maybe for the new movie stuff, gross.

  2. Any organized hoard is called a collection so you’re safe!

  3. The Flash Gun looks fun. Put on some gloves and open that puppy up, slap a new battery in there and I think you can add that to the good pile. After you laser shoot the melty Raphael, of course

  4. The mac & cheese could also be considered stockpiling for an emergency.

  5. Love it. It’s amazing how much ephemera the Turtles have generated over their career, isn’t it?

  6. I’m a Star Wars guy, and I have equivalents of all of these items in my collection. Well, I don’t actually think I have a partially-burnt candle, but everything else, yeah — from dirty plushies to valentines and band-aids, at one time if it said Star Wars on it, I bought it. If you get hungry waiting for the water to boil for your Mac and Cheese, stop by and we can snack on Star Wars Pop Tarts and cereal while you wait. My most pointless items include Star Wars Episode One birthday plates and napkins from the Dollar Tree; betcha those skyrocket in value someday. And, like any good collector, I have at least half a dozen copies of the movies, including at least five different VHS releases. If you happen to have a TMNT VHS tape rewinder in the collection, can I borrow it?

  7. I love the Ninja Turtles. I wish I had all this stuff! XD

  8. I am laughing so incredibly hard! I am such a hoarder, but it’s not even cool things that I hoard. I have like 3 boxes of notes from middle school (I’ve been graduated for 5) because I can’t bring myself to throw them away. I have knick knacks from everything. Its a problem! But now, I don’t feel so bad!

  9. Sweet Ningi’s man! I really like the candle, it was my favorite. Also how old is that mac n’ cheese? I like your blog too but whats with the surfing pizza.

  10. “I took one, drank it, left the the store with the empty can and saved it” – I look at the picture again and notice the can is indeed opened.

    I die laughing

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