I have an awesome Ninja Turtles collection. But sometimes it is not awesome. Because some of these things are trash.
Like this. This dirty half-Santa Claus Raphael.
What is this? Is it a half Santa, half Turtle? Where is the rest of it? Where is the beard, the hat? I do not have the answers to this, and yet I BOUGHT THIS.
The eye mask doesn’t even fit right. One eye is severely yellowed. The whole stuffed animal is severely yellowed. And somewhat brown. The tag looks like it was chewed off by a feral child.
Side note: The first time I ever used the word “feral” in a sentence, I didn’t quite understand what it meant, and so I used it to describe a squirrel. As in, the tag looks like it was chewed off by a feral squirrel.
The response I got was, “aren’t all squirrels feral?”
Whatever. I’m sure there are some out there who live in civilized colonies.
Then there’s this. This doesn’t even belong to me.
It’s 12″ inch single of Turtle Power by Partners in Kryme, from the movie soundtrack. No one should own this for the following reasons:
1. No one knows this is even a real song in the movie.
2. No one knows this is even a real group with other real songs.
And also, like I said, this isn’t even mine. I’m just hoarding it. It belongs to my friend, and I was like dude, I need that. So he lent it to me for display in my collection, like it’s the on-loan Hope Diamond at the Smithsonian, only downgrade that by about six million.
Then I just have like, actual trash, too.
I consumed all of these products and when I was finished I did not throw them away. I put them in my basement on the shelf. The wife doesn’t even know I did this. Until she reads this sentence. Hi honey.
I didn’t even buy that soda. The guy at the flooring store offered us sodas when we were looking at laminate, and I took one, drank it, left the the store with the empty can and saved it. That minor detail somehow makes it even worse.
No hoard is complete without a rotting pile of crappy VHS tapes.
….Or the random box of Band-Aids.
…Or the stash of Valentines.
…or the four sealed boxes of mac & cheese.
Here’s another thing no one should own:
An actual toy from the Turtles III movie. The movie is so half-assed that it doesn’t even have a proper name. You can see the box art sort of struggles with this concept by calling it both Movie III and Turtle III Movie. For the DVD release, they gave it a subtitle of Turtles in Time, but that’s neither here nor there.
I found this at the flea market:
Oh look, a decomposing partially melted candle of Raphael, which I originally mistook for a hardened gob of Play-Doh at the bottom of a box next to a dustbunny and hairpin. Sure, I’ll give you fifty cents for this.
Finally, how about this:
Yay, a flash gun with a visibly corroding thirty-year-old battery leaking acid. Yay, lead poisoning.