Idyllic / Ideal


Yesterday I took a picture of my dog on my phone. Then for no reason at all, I began fiddling around with the filters. Then something amazing happened. As I happened upon a particular filter, I realized this was my dog’s album cover. This would be her album, if it came out in 1991 and was filled with lite-R&B/soft-rock pop songs.

I’ve spent a lot of time since then trying to think of what the album would be named. I keep going back to “Forever Your Girl,” but Paula Abdul already came out with that. And my dog is no Paula-Abdul-coat-tail-rider. Oh well. I’ll keep thinking on it.

Next I happened upon this shirt in my internet travels:


Five bucks, people. Free shipping. The Children’s Place, yo.

Holy shit, I had to have it. For my kid.

Then I restrained myself. Because impulse-buying guinea pig shirts seems like a bad road to start down. First off, our kid is growing at a freakish mutant rate. He only wears everything a handful of times before he looks like a sausage in it. Plus we just got two bags of hand-me-downs. Plus I’m still a little burnt over the last time I splurged on a bomb-diggity Air Jordan sweatsuit that the kid wore twice. Twice. And he didn’t exactly fit in it the second time.

Yes, I used the word “bomb diggity.”

Also see:


So later I mentioned the guinea pig face shirt to the wife. I expected her to tsk tsk me about wasting money, but instead she was like, “get it.” She said it with such firmness that it was somewhat alarming. GET IT. We disagree on many things, but apparently guinea pig face shirts for our son is not one of them.

I’ve been daydreaming about summer something fierce. So have you. It’s been perpetually four degrees forever. We didn’t make it to the beach last summer because pregnancy. I’ve already got a condo booked for an eight day beach vacation this summer. It will be our first “family vacation,” and we’re even taking the dog.

The other day the wife says, “the dog told me when we go to the beach, she wants to get a hot dog.”

The wife’s been daydreaming, too.

That’s what daydreams are. Thinking about buying a hot dog at the beach for the dog. Nothing more, nothing less.

“Where?” I ask.

“I don’t know. She wants to check out what’s available.”

Now I’ve spent the last few days running over the mental layouts and maps in my head of the beach, trying to locate a dog-friendly hot dog stand, where we can all sit at an outside picnic table, eating fries and ice cream and a hot dog. Daydreaming.

Another thing I’ve been daydreaming about is a place called King Kone. I have a BOGO coupon for a waffle cone. In some ways, I am planning my entire vacation around that waffle cone.


I will be taking a picture with that gorilla. Oh yes. I can only pray he’ll still be wearing the Santa Claus suit come July. He probably won’t, and I’ll only be a little bit heartbroken.

My coupon advertises that King Kone is the home of the infamous Gorilla Shake, but the storefront is clearly playing up the Gorilla Split. So which is it? Are they known for the shake or the split or what? People, put it down on your calendars. I’ll be solving this mystery July 2015. When I know, you’ll know. I won’t let you down.

This is life. Life with a baby has been this. Everything — even the mundane takes on this level of novelty and excitement. Everything is new. Everything is neat. Everything is loved, except for pureed peas. Suddenly everything before was just quantifiable. Everything now is un-quantifiable. Oceans, skies, outer space, worlds and worlds and worlds. Love, love. Stoned bliss. Idyllic, ideal.

14 thoughts on “Idyllic / Ideal

  1. your wife is a smart lady, that shirt is amazing. I look forward to hearing about your trip this summer, especially how the gorilla shake/split tastes. Here’s where I could be a jerk and point out that I don’t need to fantasize about summer since I live in San Diego, but I won’t.

  2. I could not love this post more. I love how your wife wants that shirt too. I love the stupid gorilla. I love seeing kids in ill-fitting clothes because it’s hysterical. I love hot dogs. I love day dreaming. I love your dogs album cover. So much to love. What’s not to love?!

  3. We LOVE King Kone! I have the best picture of my youngest being held next to the gorilla and she’s fighting back tears and terror. The split is a contest of sorts. If you finish it, you’ll get your name on the 2015 board. There’s a few repeat names up there every year going back many years. The split is like $9 or possibly more so I’ve never done it. Will you?

    1. Probably not :( I’ve never been to King Kone — the only reason it popped on my radar is because the Entertainment Book has a coupon for bogo Waffle Cones. Blindly determined to get the maximum savings out of the Entertainment Book, I believe I’m binded to the waffle cone, lol.

      But! I’m tempted….

        1. This is our second fling with the Entertainment Book. The first time around, years ago, we struggled to find something/anything to use a coupon out of that book. We went to a mini golf place about 90 minutes away to play free mini golf. Except no one was manning the golf course. Like no employees, at all, whatsoever. The place was really run down. There were also several birthday parties going on inside the arcade and the employees seemed stretched thin. The stuff was all just sitting there on the counter (clubs, balls, scorecards) so we went ahead and played golf. Not stealing since it would have been free anyway. Sooo…we didn’t even “use” the sole coupon we attempted to use.

          We’re hoping this book will be different.

  4. Please make sure your dog doesn’t get addicted to crack on her path to stardom. Because it sucks. Also, even though I use bomb-diggity all the time, your .gif made me have a hardcore MySpace flashbacks. HARD. CORE.

  5. That album “came out in 1991 and was filled with lite-R&B/soft-rock pop songs.” The idea, that dog…!!

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