Drinks Weird Sodas

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It’s Friday. It’s 3pm. Stop working, sit back, and read about me trying not to barf. This is the BEST kind of post for an afternoon like this, and you know it.

So a few weeks ago, my friend gave me a batch of weird sodas for my birthday. I’ve decided to “live blog” it. I drank them in the order of which I least dreaded them.

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Brownie Root Beer was the first one I drank, the only safe one. I drank the entire bottle. It was delicious. Nothing ominous about this one, except for maybe the words CONTAINS MILK. I generally find milk to be “A BAD CHOICE” since it sometimes makes me cramp up and cry for hours, but in this particular instance, it came in peace.

This soda takes the “caramel” and “cream” parts very seriously. This doesn’t have the chemically root beer flavor I’m accustomed too — instead it’s a very rich, creamy, affair. No terrible aftertaste. I like it.

Little did I know, this will be the only thing I like.

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Peanut Butter and Jelly Soda. Seems weird but harmless enough. I went into it naively, expecting to like it.

First sip: this is weird, mindfucking. Tastes like peanut butter…and then jelly…and then what can only be described as “chemical cardboard” — no wait, that’s the peanut butter flavor. No, maybe jelly. God, I don’t know what this is or what this tastes like.

At this point the brain just goes “yuck, dude.”

Second sip: “saltwater brine shrimp.” I don’t know where this flavor profile is coming from, but I think it’s my brain’s way of saying stop fucking drinking this shit.

“Seriously, not kidding, dude,” it says.

Third sip: I really really really hate this. At this point I cannot describe it as anything other than pink fluid awfulness.

Little did I know, this will be the only one I made it to three sips with.

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Moxie. Moxie claims to be Moxie the oldest continually produced beverage in the United States. It has entire fan clubs online. It has a notorious taste that people pride themselves in acquiring. Hence, the name, it takes a certain amount of moxie to drink this. I was excited to try it and find out just what that notorious taste was.

First sip: EDIT: First millisecond of first sip — Oh gee, this is good, a cola — ACCCKKKKKKK AAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG SICKKKKK IT TASTES EXACTLY LIKE STOMACH BILE. I’M NOT KIDDING.

It’s extremely bitter. Bottom contents of your empty, writhing stomach, praying to the porcelain Gods bitter.

Second sip: Umm, the back of my throat is doing that tightening thing that happens before you puke. I have a rock of a stomach (except for milk; milk is bad) so I’m certain I won’t puke, and that my throat is only doing that because of the brain/bile association.

To be safe, THERE IS NO THIRD SIP.

Little did I know, that feeling of nausea would not go away.

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Buffalo Wing Soda — with the nausea I’m currently experiencing, I can’t even begin to describe the extreme hesitation it took me to bring this to my lips. I took the tiniest sip humanly possible. I really don’t even know what it tastes like because I’m still battling my inner demons with that Moxie soda.

It tasted…tangy though.

Second sip: I decided to man up and just take a big gigantic swig of it, for science. AND I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT THIS IS. Spicy barf? Tangy orange ranch? God, kill me.

There is no third sip, so alas, the world may never find out exactly what that flavor was.

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Finally Bacon soda. I don’t know if I can do this. It smells like Bacon Bits. Liquid bacon bits, liquid death, whatever.

First sip: Oddly, it’s not bad. It’s not drinkable but it’s not making me cry. Its has this super salty-soy-doing-an-impersonation of corn-syrup-glazed-pork vibe going on about it, but at this point, I’m willing to rate that as a positive.

Still. THERE IS NO SECOND SIP.

EDIT: About an hour later after compiling down all of my thoughts here, I went ahead and took another sip of the Moxie, after reading a bit more of the raving Amazon reviews. Like, to see if I could do it.

Final word: AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK.

No.
no.
no.

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19 responses to “Drinks Weird Sodas

  1. Buffalo wing Soda? I would never have tried that! Same with the peanut butter and Jelly and the bacon ones. I did try the Brownie caramel Cream Soda once. It was sold at the store I used to work at. I rather liked it myself.

  2. gross gross gross. I’m assuming those meaty sodas were vegetarian? I’m actually not sure if that makes it better or worse. I kinda wish I read this before lunch though, rather than after.

  3. technicoloryawntapes

    I also used to hate Moxie but I tried it randomly one day about 5 months ago and it clicked. I couldn’t get the weird taste out of my mind. If you feel adventurous, try it again in like 5 years.

  4. Bwahahahaha! “I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT THIS IS. Spicy barf? Tangy orange ranch? God, kill me.” Hilarious. And frightening. And slightly nauseating. So… thanks for that.

  5. emilymullaswilson

    I’m so glad they put that “artificial” tag on the bacon and buffalo wing sodas. Because, ya know, otherwise people might think they were distilled from genuine meat products.

  6. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I really want to try that moxie soda.

  7. I some how want to DRINK the Peanut Butter and Jelly Soda… Maybe it’s because I like Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches? Even if it tastes bad, I’d give it a try. No matter how bad or good or in between it might taste….
    :c

  8. I once tried that bacon soda. Worst experience of my entire life. Just the thought of it. AHHHH bad memories.

  9. So is Lester’s Fixins the new Jones Soda? I remember having chocolate soda when I was younger and loving it, though thinking about it now I’m pretty sure it was terrible.

  10. Never trust a product with the word “Fixins” in the name. I think that’s a solid rule to live by. But I commend your bravery.

  11. I’ve reviewed all of these sodas on our site, so I loved reading your opinions of them. You’re pretty spot on with my opinions of them. The best way I’ve ever heard the flavor of Moxie described was “carbonated tires”.

    If you are a curious individual you can watch a video in which I create a Buffalo Wing Float using the above listed soda and frozen Blue Cheese Dressing. Enjoy!

    http://www.thesodajerks.net/soda-reviews/2014/7/2/buffalo-wing-float?rq=buffalo%20wing

  12. Monday Morning LAUGHS for me!! thanks for sharing your horrors and giveing me a laugh.

  13. “Second sip: “saltwater brine shrimp.”” – BAHAHAHA! I love this. My goodness, you brave soul. Thanks so much for writing this and I hope SNL hires you. xx – Steph

  14. Mr. Bricks loves his sodas. I once had Domino’s deliver a can of Diet Coke, no Pizza, when I was having a Diet Coke withdraw and couldn’t get out of the house. Your blog open my eyes (even my droopy, gangly left eye) to new flavors of soda, and I couldn’t be happier. Love the blog. I’ll be back.

  15. This is absolutely hilarious! love it. This has proper intrigued me, perhaps one day I will these liquid deaths

  16. Wait, wait, wait. Are there people in the world in the world who are like, “Hey, could you grab me a bottle of buffalo wing soda from the cupboard?”

    “Hey babe, we’re out of liquid bacon again. Could you pick some up with your next Amazon order?”

    I don’t understand–I just don’t understand.

  17. i went to detroit and all i brought back was cotton candy faygo …so so good its amazing

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