Life Confessions: One Time I Bought My Dog a Coat

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One time I bought my dog a coat. She is not the kind of the dog that needs to wear a coat.

She is not a floofy thing. She is not a rat thing. She is not a dust ruffle thing. She is a mutt mixture of poodle and beagle thing, barrel-chested and part grizzly bear thing. She looks like the owl in The Secret of NIMH. (No she doesn’t — inserts the wife here — quite emphatically.)

She is a little brown dog — a plain brown dog — the kind of dog that if you put a bow in her hair, it will somehow make her look worse. When we first got her, I posted her puppy picture and an anonymous internet commenter said she looked like she smelled bad. I deleted it, but he wasn’t exactly lying. She is the kind of dog that looks like she smells bad.

(NO SHE DOESN’T — inserts the wife here — although we often laugh and tease the dog about that comment.)

Again, she is not the kind of dog that needs to wear a coat. And yet, I bought her one last year, right before the supposed polar vortex.

Let me go on a tangent for a moment. Remember when the Weather Channel was a pleasant, muzak-playing slideshow of temperatures and five-day forecasts? Now it’s a mutated, deformed beast of its former self. I consider it one of the scariest websites there is, next to Fan Fiction Forums and WebMD.

For instance, if I go to WebMD, I’ll come away convinced I have Esophageal Cancer when I only have heartburn. And if I go to Weather.com to read about the rain, I’ll come away doomsday-prepping for a monsoon.

That’s how I ended up buying the dog a coat. I was certain we were all preparing for The Day After Tomorrow conditions. I was certain we were all going to insta-freeze. The weather forecasters all acted like it was going to be the thousand-year storm of sub-artic hell. Having not grown up in a particularly cold-weather region, I bought it. I bought it literally. I mean, I bought the dog a freaking coat.

Go ahead, tease me. Around here, I regularly got off school for less than a snow-flake. Some kids fondly remember their epic snow days — I remember mine as sludge-rain days.

I also did my True Marylander Official Duties during an Official Freak the Fuck Out Weather Event, up to and including:

– Buy a gallon of milk
– Toilet paper, yo. Lots of toilet paper.
– Fill up the gas tank
– Buy enough food to survive World War III
– Buy the dog a coat

The thing is, I didn’t just get any old dog coat/sweater-vest thing out of the junky pet section at TJ Maxx. Dude, I went NUTS and bought a fully-insulated, waterproof, polar-fleece coat WITH A BUILT-IN TEMPERATURE GAUGE ON IT.

Why?

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Whyyyyy?

I’ve been making her wear it outside lately just to get my money’s worth out of it. Poor dog.

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14 responses to “Life Confessions: One Time I Bought My Dog a Coat

  1. I love The Secret of NIMH. You can tell your wife that I don’t think your dog smells bad. My dog, however, smells like corn chips.

  2. Your dog is and always has been precious. I think she looks like a cross between Benji and an owl wizard. She does need a coat. In the amount of time it took me to drag the christmas tree to the curb without gloves on last week, my hands lost feeling. It’s a fine coat. She looks super cute, if a bit wary (and definitely NOT stinky).

  3. well she looks adorable in it so it’s totally necessary! I’m way worse, my cat has a cape (actually 2…one superhero, one fancy winter cape) and I can’t even use a polar vortex as an excuse.

  4. Just calculate the price per wear and have your dog wear it until you get your moneys worth then donate it to goodwill – that way a Chinese Crested dog owner can buy it (it will keep another dog alive through the Day After Tomorrow carnage).

  5. I might just have one-upped you when I bought my dog a coat with his name monogrammed on the back! I couldn’t believe it was an option. My mom and I were giggling the whole time while we bought it online. My german shepard was staring at us with an odd expression, as if he knew he wouldn’t really need it.

  6. I buy my cat sweaters. She loves them! Your pooch doesn’t look stinky.

  7. When my dog got to a certain age, she didn’t want to go out in the snow. Turned out her little feet got cold so quickly. So we bought boots for our dog. So I totally get the coat (and after a few times she’d get the hang of it and wait for us patiently to strap on four boots)

  8. That dog is adorable! and I wish I had a coat with a temperature gauge. I’m jealous of a dog coat.

  9. Pingback: Weekly Digest | Alpha Female, Mainstream Cat

  10. The first time I read this I saw “One Time I Bought my Dog a Goat”
    My dog loves goats, too.

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