Christmas Guest

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I’ve learned this. Grief is a guest. It’s easy to treat it as an unwanted guest — to leave it unattended in the other room, to not even ask if it wants a soda or anything. Don’t be a jerk to grief. Go in there, sit down with it, get it a damn soda. Be an adult — offer it that soda in a glass with ice. Acknowledge it.

Last Christmas, the first without my mom, we did my family’s Christmas exactly as if my mom was there. We went over to my parents’ house at the same time as always, my dad wrapped all the gifts she had bought us before she died, even his own, signed them from her, made her signature dishes, decorated the tree as she had, etc, etc. And we sat there, around her tree, opening her gifts, listening to the Christmas station she always played, etc, etc.

It was grueling. It was painful. It was like we were putting on a play and acting as ourselves. And the actor playing the role of my mother was Grief. It sat in with us, taking her place.

Not one second after we left, I got in the car with my wife, and I announced, “we are never, ever doing THAT again,” as I ripped the knife out of my gut.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about why we did that — why we re-created a Christmas with mom without mom. None of us decided to do it consciously. It just happened. The obvious answer is we knew no other way. It was only a month after she died. What else were we supposed to do? Just magically forge a new tradition right then and there?

I wish. I wish things could magically create themselves. Life would be easier that way, if we didn’t have to trudge through the hard stuff first.

That’s all it was — the re-creation, the theatrical play. Just a trudge. Nothing more, nothing less. I shouldn’t be so hard on myself about it.

My dad and sister had also bought tiny gifts acknowledging the baby last year. Who was, at that point, something between a clump of DNA and a tadpole. I felt deeply uncomfortable opening those gifts — just a baby hat and a Ravens “future linebacker” tree ornament. At one month pregnant, anything could have happened at that point. Those were terrifying gifts on multiple levels.

And yet those tiny gifts were like seeds that have sprouted fully into wrapped, shiny, big boxes this year. Now we have a six-month-old, and he has tons of presents. Not that he cares, although I like to think babies show their appreciation by how desperately they try to cram the wad of wrapping paper down their throat. And by that measure, my kid is obviously thrilled.

We’re hosting Christmas at our house for the first time. Of course, Grief will also be a guest this year, although it won’t be playing a starring role, and it’ll be just stopping by to say hello. I’ll welcome it to stay as long as it likes, but it keeps having to run. It stopped by last night, but only for a few minutes. If it shows up today, that’s cool, whatever. I bought it a special soda — the Cranberry Splash kind. If it shows up tomorrow, I’m armed with glasses full of ice.

I’m armed with plates full of wasabi deviled eggs, cornflake casserole, baked brie, spanakopita, mini crabcakes, brownie brittle, popcorn, fudge, cookies, egg nog, and cider. That’s a good spread, eh? I’m not just all Pop Tarts and dollar store candy, folks.

Merry Christmas out there. Forge on, trudge on, surf on.

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9 responses to “Christmas Guest

  1. What a beautiful, heartwrenching story. Thank you for sharing, and a very Merry Christmas to you. Your Mom will be watching from heaven as you start your new traditions.

  2. Kids bring so much joy this time of year. Obviously, it will never be the same without your mom, but adding new traditions will be nice. And your Christmas spread sounds delicious!

  3. Yea, it’s been four years here, no one’s taken mom’s hosting place yet. But we found some more family members, so that’s good. Enjoy those Wasabi deviled eggs!

  4. just throwing it out there but I think you guys may have done that Christmas, that way, last year, because that is what she would have wanted? She had started it, bought gifts, probably begun the meal planning…..like she had done for so many years…and you kind of owed it to her to finish the plan. And you did. And then, just like she would have wanted, you had yourself a baby and allowed life to move forward. Good son.
    This was my 4th. Christmas without my dad. First one where I didn’t head to the cemetery early in the morning. I’m going today . I think dad would be okay with that, he would have wanted me to enjoy the babies and the food and all the rest of it, and come tell him about it today.
    You have a Happy New Year , you hear? She would want that too….trust me.

  5. Beautiful and sad… Thanks for sharing this, I’m glad I read it.

  6. I love your analogy of grief being a guest.

  7. I truly enjoyed this. It was heart wrenching but so incredibly honest.

  8. Once again, you nailed it. I especially liked the part about the special soda. I live with grief, too, and it stops by most days, though the visits are usually only a few minutes. Unless I ignore it, and then there’s hell to pay. I really look forward to your posts, Pizza.

  9. lost my dad a few years ago. grief is indeed a guest, the guest that doesn’t want to leave….

    lovely post. touching. poignant. bittersweet. thanks.

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