This December, I have sort of gone on a Hunter-S-Thompson-esque bender in breakfast choices. I’ve gone deep into the rabbit hole of things that should never ever ever be consumed for breakfast.
1. Pop Tarts. This is food. Look at this. THIS IS FOOD.
I ate an entire box of Pop Tarts by myself. Which, you’re thinking, is no big deal. No — it is. I ate the Value Pack. The big box. And I don’t think my wife ate a damn single one. Let’s just hope that science comes up with a cure for whatever eating sixteen Sugar Cookie-flavored Pop Tarts with little cartoon beavers printed on the shellac frosting gives me. Let’s just hope.
How are Pop Tarts even a socially-acceptable breakfast food? Have you ever asked yourself this? Does it even say “breakfast” anywhere on the box?
Have you ever noticed how agonizing the wait is to toast a Pop Tart? Like, it’s not even that good to begin with. It’s just a dry, cardboard-like cookie. And yet I cannot WAIT to eat it when I take it out of the package. I cannot wait that additional minute-and-a-half to toast it. So I rarely ever toast my Pop Tarts.
The Sugar Cookie flavor is great. It’s basically vanilla on vanilla on vanilla. An entire box. A value pack.
2. And when I wasn’t eating Sugar Cookie Pop Tarts, I was eating Sugar Cookie Crunch.
Certainly, this is a more socially-acceptable breakfast. Sure, it’s just a re-hash of Frosted Toast Crunch, but you can’t deny the warm fuzzies you get from looking at this box artwork. And while I don’t remember anything remarkable about Frosted Toast Crunch, I loved and devoured through this box of Sugar Cookie Crunch.
3. The same can be said for Holiday Sprinkles Cookie Crunch.
This is just Sprinkles Cookie Crunch part-deux, a cereal that already came out a few years ago. But re-dress it in Christmas colors, and I can’t resist it. And again, even though I don’t remember anything remarkable about the regular old Sprinkles Cookie Crunch, I actually wake up in the morning craving and salivating for this Christmas version.
Or maybe I’ve just eaten too much sugar for breakfast this season, and now my body is just addicted and expecting it.
4. Then there’s this. Whatever this is. It’s — it’s — CHRISTMAS LOG.
WHAT IS CHRISTMAS LOG?
I ATE IT AND I STILL DON’T KNOW.
NO SERIOUSLY, I DON’T KNOW.
I ate it for breakfast though. Not the whole thing, but like, a solid portion of it. There’s only been 23 days in December so far, and I’ve managed to eat sixteen Pop Tarts, two boxes of cereal, and a “solid portion” of Christmas log. I don’t even know how this is statistically possible.
Don’t worry guys. I take a multi-vitamin everyday. It magically undoes everything bad you eat and makes you healthy.