Dollar Store Christmas!

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Hot tip ya’ll: Dollar Tree brought its A-Game this year. I stopped in with no expectations and left having spent the greatest four dollars of my life.

Choice Item Number ONE: Nativity Magnet Set!

Wife’s Reaction: Absolutely none, whatsoever. Continued tending to baby blankly.

Why I Had to Have It: I love Nativity scenes. I know I’ve told this story on the blog before, but it’s one of my favorites. Growing up, we had a porcelain Nativity scene. The Joseph figure had long ago taken a spill, and was beheaded. Each year, my mother went to great lengths to re-attach his head. Some years it was krazy glue; some years it was the hyrbid glue/tape method. One year she went all in and rigged something up with a rubber band. She called it The Christmas Miracle every year that his head stayed attached throughout the season. I never went to church a day in my life in childhood, yet my mother’s annual respect and dedication to re-attaching that head taught me everything I needed to know.

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Which, speaking of respect, doesn’t really explain why I had to have a Nativity scene in magnet form. I don’t have any good reasons. It’s perversely tacky and I love it.

Choice Item Number TWO: Wind-Up Train!

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Wife’s Reaction:: Yeah right. That’s not ever going to work.

Why I Had to Have It: Well, duh. I HAD TO see if it would work.

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The results: IT ACTUALLY WORKS. I wound the train up, sat it on the track, and it heartily chugged around the track full circle. This is worth a million dollars.

Choice Item Number THREE: This Mini-Gingerbread House COOKIE

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Wife’s Reaction: Are you actually going to eat that? It probably has lead in it.

Why I Had to Have It: A non-descript, no-brand name, random sketchy cookie in the shape of a house? Ummm, yes please.

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I didn’t know quite where to start, so I just awkwardly bit off the roof. This in itself was deeply satisfying and worth the dollar. Taste-wise, it’s dry, stiff, and floral-tasting. It’s really, really terrible. Someone asked me in the comments on my Sad Christmas Candy post what I do after I taste these things. Do I just throw them out or do I actually continue eating them just because? The answer varies, but I can tell you this “cookie” is going directly in the trash.

Choice Item Number FOUR: This Amazingly Crappy Nativity Scene

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Wife’s Reaction: That looks like something somebody pooped out.

Why I Had To Have it: Because this belongs in a museum. But not because it’s a work of art. More because it’s a curious artifact. Dwindling materials and fuel from our precious, dying planet were to used to create this.

THIS

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It looks like a random glob of amorphous clay that only accidentally resembles the nativity. Which come to think of it, I will proclaim as this year’s Christmas Miracle.

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12 responses to “Dollar Store Christmas!

  1. I need that magnet nativity set.

  2. I would’ve guessed that the nativity scene was a candle….it being made out of wax would be the best explanation of why it looks like that.

    • So your comment made me doubt myself, so I get up and go pick up the nativity scene and inspect it closer to see if it is a candle or something. Nope. It’s definitely a piece of clay crap. I looked on the bottom on it and read the sticker — and IT COMES FROM THE SAME PLACE AS THE COOKIE! I don’t know why this excites me so much, but it does.

  3. About 6 years ago, my mother backed into my car with her car … just days before Christmas. She totally messed up the bumper and the paint. “DO NOT tell your father. He just doesn’t need to know,” says mom. Ok. I don’t really care much anyways.
    Christmas night, we get invited to The Bradford’s House (Uptight neighbors. Decked to the nines. House is immaculate.)
    We – as a whole family – are admiring their mantle nativity scene, when I totally space and say “Mom, we need to get my bumper painted before I leave. From the wreck?”
    My Dad’s all “WHAT?! what wreck?” and in a sweeping motion, knocks The Bradford’s baby Jesus into the fire place. Where it starts to burn. He grabs the fireplace tongs and fishes it out. It was all black and charred and melty. I point out that Jesus was probably darker skinned anyways than he is portrayed real life. No one thinks this is funny (except me) … but the burning of Jesus really shut everyone up about the wreck! So, I love nativity scenes now. Every time i see one, I stop to consider if the baby Jesus in it is flammable. Magnets seem like an excellent choice, Pizza!

  4. I really hope you survive the night after taking a bite out of that gingerbread house cookie, aka stale mass covered in dyed faux sugar.

  5. I love you & your family, pizza guy. No matter what, I can always click here and crack the fuck up.

  6. I know I’m a little late to the party, but I have to say. In the last picture, baby Jesus looks just like Dobby.

  7. basicallyatwentysomething

    i think the nativity scene has had a mutation of sorts

  8. basicallyatwentysomething

    none the less for a dollar however much that is ( I’m english so your currency is completely baffling )- absolute steal!

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