Dude, Lunchables Makes Breakfast Versions Now

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The label should say Peel Back Plastic, Hate Yourself Forever. Or, Peel Back Plastic, Smell Oddly Like Syrup For Rest of Day. Which is the worst feeling/smell/state of existing that there can possibly be. But before I knew all of this, I was just pretty damn excited. Dude, Lunchables makes breakfast versions now?

DUDE.

Hastily, I snapped up both varieties in the grocer section as though there were about to be a red light special announced on them, and a horde mob was about to descend. As though I were on the game show Supermarket Sweep, and these were worth as much as the big ticket hams. As though I was starving for more than food, but for the very meaning of life itself, which could be found in the tiny plastic compartments within.

Immediately, I decided I would be having them for lunch. And I did.

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First I had the cinnamon rolls. And like ten raisins. It’s the most pathetic little tray of raisins. I also hate raisins, but I ate them anyway for science. And for the slightly desperate hope that the raisins would somehow counteract the rest of the sugary awfulness I was about to put in my body.

The packaging says that you don’t need to heat the cinnamon rolls, but bear in mind that you will be eating cold, rock-hard cinnamon rolls. It’s one of the most unpleasant experiences known to man. Aside from the fact that they were rock-hard and ice-cold, they were also a little stale. They tasted like the generic Pecan Twirls you find in the sad bread aisle of dollar stores.

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The icing situation isn’t much better. It’s almost like a spackle, also rock-hard and ice cold.

Overall, I’d have to give the cinnamon rolls a rating of NEVER AGAIN.

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Next I had the Pancakes and Bacon. As you can see, the bacon is salad bacon bits. I’m pretty sure it’s child neglect in eight states to feed your kid salad bacon bits for breakfast. As a vegetarian, I fed the bacon to the dog.

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Her review of the bacon is:

BESSSSSSST
THING
EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

So there you have it.

As for the pancakes, I actually liked them. I would rate this one as edible, except I’m still starving and felt like I haven’t even had lunch, even though I just ate nearly 600 calories in about two minutes.

Oh god. Raisins, I just hope you’re working your magical healing powers inside of me.

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12 responses to “Dude, Lunchables Makes Breakfast Versions Now

  1. The saddest thing about this is that apparently you know what the generic Pecan Twirls from dollar stores taste like.

  2. I’ve just learned to play it safe and keep away from any Lunchables that don’t have crackers/meat/cheese and a Capri Sun. It’s treated me pretty well so far.

  3. I really miss Supermarket Sweep. Such a cool game show. I wish GSN or someone would bring it back.

  4. I’m fairly certain that I spent a good chunk of the 90’s watching Supermarket Sweep WHILE eating those pecan twirls. We must have been well-off or something because my mom bought them at ShopRite.

  5. even though you rated them NEVER AGAIN, I still want to try those cinnamon rolls. I must hate myself.

  6. I keep feeling like this is the transcript for an SNL script or something, but they look legit. Thanks for the enjoyable post

  7. They actually had those breakfast lunchables back in the 90s for about five minutes. I was in Pre-K at the time and I remember having one.

  8. Entertaining review. Sadly, I have always loved the cinnamon twirls that you revile. They are much better when warm.

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