Nachos Lunchable Fan Club

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I’m starting a fan club for the Nachos Lunchable. Not any of the other Lunchables. Just the Nachos one. I mean, it’s terrible. But it’s also so perfect. Especially when combined with the accompanying mini-Kit Kat and fruit-punch Capri Sun. Consider the flavor profiles here: weird cheese, ice-cold corn chips, watery ketchup, chocolate, fruit punch. It sounds disgusting. And yet it works.

The thing about being awake for 20 out of 24 hours is that you get hungry. Ravenous. Starving. One morning, at 3AM, the idea of the Lunchables Nachos suddenly seemed so so right. I guess you could say I had a craving for it. Which may be the first time in history anyone over the age of eight has ever had a craving for a Lunchable.

Let me tell you — it is the perfect food for keeping you awake. It’s 510 calories of corn syrup solids. It’s not food. Food is natural. Food moves through you. Food gives you nourishment. Food makes you sleepy, because sleeping is what healthy, well-nourished people do.

This is fuel. Fuel is a material. Fuel drives engines, which are naturally dormant. Fuel gives them life. Fuel makes you awake, because you are no a longer a person. You are a re-animated robot juiced, pumped full of, primed, and running smooooothly on 510 calories of corn and sugar.

WOW I FEEL GREAT.

THIS IS GOD’S FOOD.

THIS IS WHAT LIVING FEELS LIKE.

I love dipping these microscopic stale chips into the icy pool of ketchup with that ONE sliver of onion floating in there. And let’s just talk about that cheese. That cheese. That beautiful cheese-like, neon-yellow substance. It’s almost like a custard. It has a little bit of a pull to it. Like when you’re dipping the chips, it has this quicksand-like tug to it, where it gently envelops and sucks down the chip for you. Or maybe I’m just hallucinating right now.

And then that Capri Sun. It’s like a shot of B-Vitamins mixed with speed. I don’t even care that the baby has just kicked it up a notch into LEVEL FIVE SCREAMING, because right now I’m on a tropical vacation in a weird foil pouch.

Now for the Kit Kat, which is just a regular old Kit Kat, but right now it tastes like a goddamn truffle imported from the Piedmont region of Northern Italy.

WHO NEEDS REAL FOOD. WHO NEEDS BLUEBERRIES OR ALMONDS OR KALE OR SPROUTS. I imagine this is what addicts feel like when they choose their drug-augmented reality over real life.

Okay, now I’m fully able to sooth and rock the baby for the next two hours. Does he ever sleep? Has he even slept at all in the last twenty-four hours? Have I? Has the wife? The only one I know for certain is the dog. Her face has taken on a permanent look of grimace and determination to sleep through this shit.

The wife and I take shifts in two-hour blocks. Later, on her shift, I startle awake to the sound of something in her voice. I don’t know what it is. Just her voice. I run downstairs to see what’s happening.

The baby is projectile pooping. The sound of her voice isn’t horror. It’s marvel. It’s like a scientist happening upon an undiscovered species. Something you didn’t know existed or could even possibly exist.

I didn’t realize my wife becomes a writer when describing poop. She’s very articulate and almost elegant about it. She was spitting out back to back metaphors like a free-style rapper.

“His butt was a Super Soaker full of poop.” 

“It was a soup pouring out of him.”

“He almost filled the entire changing pad. I thought it was going to overflow like a volcano.”

And that’s it. That’s my life. This blog is about babies and Lunchables and poop forever from now on.

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20 responses to “Nachos Lunchable Fan Club

  1. My son would like to be the first member of your nacho lunchables fan club. He adores those things.

  2. Dammit, why didn’t I think of Lunchables at 3am when my son, at 4 months old, decided that 2-4am was perfect wake up screaming and not stop unless he was held in a certain way, in a certain spot in the middle of the room, with the door cracked at a precise angle that allowed a particular number of photons enter the room? Those nachos could have saved me from my delirium.

  3. I’ll join too! I can’t empathise with the exhaustion of child rearing but they are perfect post night-out student food :)

  4. I wish I would have thought of Lunchables two years ago when the wife and I were roaming the Earth (read: living room) as little more than reanimated corpses seeking to keep ourselves functional as our newborn daughter ate, cried, and crapped away the first few months of her life. Now we just have to keep everything on lock down or out of reach (which is near impossible, because I swear my kid has go-go Gadget arms). Also, no worries about the change in subject matter. It’s refreshing to see someone else suffer as I have suffered.

  5. Pizza – you literally have me laughing out loud here. I don’t mind the change in subject matter because your writing is equal parts hilarious and insightful! Keep it up!

    And congrats on the little insomniac…I mean, baby – by the way :)

  6. The dog part–perfect! Whole thing is hysterical. Have you started hallucinating that your infant son chants Shakespeare to you thru the baby monitor yet? That might only happen with twins.

  7. My 13 year old will join too. That’s the only lunchable she’ll eat. I know, that makes it sound like we’re forcing them on her, but I mean she loves them and whenever I buy another kind – such as the “healthier” cheese and cracker combo or make-your-own-sub – she acts as if those are vegetable lunchables. I bet the nacho set has to be their best seller.

    Sorry about the lack of sleeping and projectile pooping though the latter sounds impressive.

  8. Bout time the Lunchable finally got some respect. I lived on those things as a teacher for years. I loved putting it together and it got me though those times when I could have strangled one of the little dears. Pizza Pops are better of course but Lunchables was like having a lego set of food.

  9. I love the Pizza Lunchables. These are one of my go-to foods for lunches when I’m working the night shift. With only half an hour for lunch, going to McDonald’s is not an option so I must bring something, and these are one of the first things that come to mind.

  10. Maybe you have to be an American to get the Lunchables thing – which you have made look and sound grand, by the way – but I know the parent thing, that’s for sure. Aren’t newborns atrocious? But yet, it passes…and it gets a helluva lot better than this. Promise.

  11. lunchables nachos were always the best! I became a vegetarian pretty young, so whenever I was able to convince my parents to get me lunchables it was ALWAYS the nachos. I love weird cheese.

  12. Oh my daughter (who’s 23 now) pooped like that once when I tried to take her temperature with a rectal thermometer. It was very much a similar experience hehe

  13. Sir, this is new-parent encephalopathy in line with my renewed love of “Saved by the bell” during the trying three months that I was up every two hours to breastfeed.

  14. frappuccinosweatpants

    I was not aware of the fact that lunchables actually exist. I just started my blog and I was looking for blogs to follow. I have not read any of your posts except for this one. But anyone who can write about poop and calles his blog “the surfing pizza” deserves to be followed. Thanks to you I would like to get rid of my ability to visualise things very clearly. And I want pizza.

  15. no dear. Eventually you will be writing about the heartless preschool teacher who doesn’
    t recognize the creativity involved in poop writing on the bathroom wall, or the first girl he asks to go to the movies with him…youv’e only just begun , friend, only just begun….

  16. Welllll, I beg to differ. I think it actually IS food. Hear me out: The chips are corn chips; corn is a vegetable. The kit-kat is made with chocolate which has milk in it; there’s your dairy. The weird cheese, we’ll count that as dairy. Ketchup=tomatoes=veggie! And lastly the fruit punch – FRUIT.
    You’ve covered almost all the basic food groups. See what I did there?

  17. emilymullaswilson

    I just love how on the box they have the products nicely grouped together, like those cereal commercials that showed you how their sugary crap was part of “this complete breakfast.” As if plastic cheese and a pouch of Red Dye #2 somehow provided perfect completion to chips and a candy bar.

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