Life, Turtles, The Snot Sucker


I’m still here. We’re doing great. We have 66 days to go, or more, or less, depending on how much you want to scare us. The wife is big, stunning, gorgeous. Actually, all of the above.

I’ve been productive. I painted the nursery. I built the crib. I finally tackled the mold growing on the ceiling in the shower. Even though me and “projects” don’t generally get along, I don’t have any funny stories of how much I screwed these up, because I didn’t. I’ve found a well of patience within myself that has never existed at any point in my life.

I think I’m also experiencing some sort of pre-life-change crisis, because I’ve been fighting off the urge to buy shit I don’t need like crazy. And sometimes I don’t even fight it off.

Like these new Kid Robot mini-figures:


Me: I’m going through some sort of crisis. I just bought more Ninja Turtles.

Wife: That’s cool.

Me: I think I’m having buyer’s remorse though.

Wife: It’s okay to still buy things for yourself!

Me: Okay, cool. You want to see them? *pulls up picture online*

Wife: They’re cute! Which one did you get?

Me: …all of them.

Wife: Oh.

See? I hate myself. They do glow in the dark though. GLOW IN THE DARK THOUGH. And they come on retro-styled cards that mimic the original action figure packaging. And I’m sure in three months when I’m completely overwhelmed and sleep-deprived, they’ll be an unending glow-in-the-dark pool of comfort and happiness….right? Right?

And now let me give you a preview of what this blog may be like for the next year. (Feel free to abandon ship now.) The wife had her first baby shower, given by her co-workers. She came home with mountains of stuff. It all seemed pretty standard to me: blankets and rattles and tugboat outfits. You know. Baby shit. I got this. I can dig it.

But one gift we received gave me pause. No, it gave me something else. It gave me that sort of bone-chilling anxiety that life would never ever be the same. I mean sure, I knew that, abstractly. But now I had physical evidence of it.


We got a snot-sucker.

I looked at it for a long time, without words. I considered it. It’s a tube that you stick one end in baby’s nose, and one end in your mouth, and you suck the snot out of his nose.


Pause to let the bizarre new life wash over me.

One day, I will take my son in my arms, put a straw in his nose, and suck his snot out with my mouth. It will be a bonding experience.


This is apparently a thing that people do.

I guess I knew that babies get mucus. I guess I knew that it has to come out, somehow. Actually I’m lying. I did not know this. Maybe you guys should warn me of more, or less, depending on how much you want to scare me.

29 thoughts on “Life, Turtles, The Snot Sucker

  1. Nope. No. Nuh uh.

    Ok. I don’t have kids. But I just know there are some things that certain types of parents buy into. Gross things. Things that you don’t have to do unless terrorists come into your house and force you to at gunpoint. You can find another method (BESIDES YOUR OWN MOUTH) to clear a kids nasal cavities. Know why? Cause people have somehow been doing that for years before some sicko designed this weird contraption. Think they had this in the Middle Ages? Nope. And everyone survived. Don’t use that thing.

    Well … they probably did have this in the Middle Ages, but it was in a dungeon somewhere. Fact.

    Best of luck S. Pizza!

    1. You know, I’ve had this same reaction. Like I know for certain my parents did not suck snot out my nose by mouth.


      Argh. I know those certain types of people? What if we are becoming them and we cannot stop it?

      What next? Will I be road-raging my double-wide airliner-sized stroller indignantly around Disney World while dually sucking on a camelback backpack and the snot sucker, simultaneously hydrating myself and clearing my kid’s nasal passages?

      1. I think a snot sucker is a slippery slope, my friend. I say RESIST. Then again, I don’t have kids and have no idea what I’m talking about.

        Do they make them in some 1980s version? Like is there a Pac-Man ghost with a snot sucker attached to his face? Herm

  2. You won’t regret those kid robot ninja turtles toys, they are amazing. I have a really hard time controlling myself with those vinyl toys, I have to limit myself to 1 vinyl Mickey per Disneyland trip, and the boyfriend makes me buy it at the end in case I don’t like the one I got and try to make another attempt.

    I think the tube on that snot sucking thing is long enough that the snot doesn’t actually get near your mouth. Those blue things don’t work all that great and I think if your baby has a cold and won’t stop crying, it suddenly won’t sound that terrible. Or, you could make the wife do it.

    1. Yep, that’s how we ended up with like 6 vinyl Mickeys per our Disney trip, because I kept hating the one I got and they have a strange gravitational pull on you while there. The tube has filters to stop the snot from entering the mouth. Not that that’s comforting.

  3. I know it sounds crazy. But that bulb DOES NOT work. And you will be grateful you have this one day when that kid can’t sleep because he or she is so stuffed up…you will so happy to just suck that snot out so everyone can go back to sleep. TRUST ME. It is the best $14 I ever spent.

  4. I had a really awesome comment about the ninja turtles, and now it’s gone because my brain is filled with images of potential snot-sucking disasters.

  5. That photo makes me as uncomfortable as I feel when people siphon gas out of tanks in movies. You should get the standard hospital-issued bulbous blue “booger sucker” (referenced in Darren’s comment) when you bring the baby home. A lot of recent advances in baby technology seem questionable. People have been having babies for awhile now. Anyway, all babies hate having their boogers sucked. Always have, always will.

  6. I read further and saw some convincing comments that the snot tube is indeed better than the snot bulb. Fortunately I am done having babies. Have fun with it!

      1. Take it and any of those blue striped baby blankets. They make handy burp cloths, or you can put one on your head in such a way to look like Mother Theresa.

      1. Some of the reviews distress me, because it seems to not work for a lot of people. Otherwise, I’d be throwing that thing on amazon at warp speed.

        Basically – i think i’m asking you to buy it since you have a blog where you can justify such costs. HAHAHAHA

  7. I have never seen this contraption before. Maybe its designed like this as not to get filled with mold over time, like the bulb suckers do? Whatever the reason, that is gross. And I want one for my next baby. My husband and sister will die!!

  8. I’m childless, so these are second hand observations. My niece is now 2, but before her birth, my Mom gave my brother and his wife the snot sucker. We had a time of questioning my mom’s sanity, but then came a night of a screaming, stuffed up infant. They tried it, they’re converts. A happy baby will trump all personal feelings of ick. Plus, it’s not like we’re talking a cup of mucus, it’s a small amount. The tube is plenty long. The filter works. And let’s be honest, the occasional horrors coming out the other end of your baby won’t come with a filter. Babies are disgusting. But they’re also warm, and soft, and cute, and their heads smell awesome. You’ll be fine.

  9. I’m curious about how you can tell you’re having a crisis by the fact that you have the urge to buy toys you don’t need. What is the subtle difference from your previous urge to buy toys you don’t need, without which much of this blog would not exist?

    1. Hmmm. Great question. I really should have clarified. I usually buy dirt-ass cheap though. Flea markets and thrift stores — very little of what I purchase for myself costs more than $2-3. For that price, I NEED IT. I spent $65 on those stupid Turtles. For that price, I definitely didn’t need it.

  10. You don’t even realize the amount of gross stuff you are about to do as a parent. I’m not even talking about that doo doo stuff too.

    Also, get everything you can now, because yes – it’s going to be 100% different and you are sure as shit going to appreciate all of those things you have. Also, make sure you get some high places to put things on – especially that nice ass record player I remember you having.

  11. Gross! My lab instructors over many years of science education have taught me never to pipet by mouth!!!
    I stuck with the ugly blue snot sucker that the hospital gave me when the kiddo was born.

  12. I now feel more educated about babies (for better or worse?). I don’t know if I’m ready for offspring yet, as my first thought was wondering if a vacuum cleaner would work to do the sucking part. And those Turtles get an A+!

  13. Pizza, I will see your snot sucker and raise you a Nasogastric intubation system. Was not fun doing that nearly every night.

  14. the nose frida is pretty cool for congestion, but you just wait until the baby constipation sets in. the butt frida, while over priced, does its job. But that shit sucks! …or vice versa…definitely vice versa.

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