The Rightful Heir


It’s time to announce that the rightful heir to my Ninja Turtles collection will be a first-born son. Yep, we found out we’re having a boy. We’re both pretty excited. It makes me want to give God a high five and say good choice.

I can’t wait to one day take him down to the basement, place my hands on his shoulders, and re-enact this scene from The Lion King:

Mufasa: Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom.

Young Simba: Wow.

Mufasa: A king’s time as ruler rises and falls like the sun. One day, Simba, the sun will set on my time here, and will rise with you as the new king.

Young Simba: And this’ll all be mine?

Mufasa: Everything.

Meanwhile, we’ve basically been living in a cocoon, which is also why I haven’t been writing often. The wife is still in doctor-advised rest-mode and outside is eleven degrees, so we basically spend all of our time wrapped in blankets, watching movies, and eating cookies.

Specifically these cookies:


They taste like the root-beer-flavored Dum Dum Pops and Chips Ahoy combined. The combination works better than it has any right to.

Other things that have happened:

– I’m still cooking and preparing all of our meals. I’m actually getting kind of good at it, even if the kitchen remains a perpetual hellscape of dirty dishes.

– We were both vegetarians, but the wife began craving meat and/or having a strong instinct to eat it. In the beginning, she’d started out meekly and healthily with turkey bacon, but she quickly advanced to Philly cheesesteaks and buffalo chicken finger baskets. It’s sort of hilarious. All of her “Your Vegetarian Pregnancy” books have withered away in horror. There is meat-shaming dust in the spot where the books used to be.

– One day the wife was craving cake. So duh, I went to the store and got cake. You’d think this would be easy enough to not screw up, but I did. I bought freezer cake.

“What is that? That’s not cake! That’s freezer cake.”

There was so much disdain dripping from her voice that would you think all the proceeds went to clubbing baby seals.

– We saw Lego Movie. It was great. I was skeptical that it was going to be a clunky-computer-animated gigantic commercial, but it had a lot of heart for a movie about plastic toys.

– Finally, here’s a Pro-tip: Do not text this picture to your pregnant wife.

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13 thoughts on “The Rightful Heir

  1. Congratulations!! That’s funny and scary about your wife’s cravings. My mom was a vegetarian when she was pregnant with me. Then one day, while working in a restaurant, she smelled her coworkers Italian sausage sub. “Um, can I try a bite?” “Sure.” Then she ate the whole thing and never looked back. Well, she looked back about 10 years later, but still. I’m a vegan now and these meat-craving stories terrify me, but ya gotta do it for the kid.

  2. Congratulations on having a boy. You also might want to invest in a storm cellar (and I don’t mean because of the storms) .

  3. I can just picture you and junior pizza reenacting that Lion King scene, so great. I’m going to have to try those root beer float cookies, our local donut shop has root bear float donuts that taste like the real thing and I’m obsessed! I remember Phoebe on Friends ate meat while pregnant and ever since then I’ve been afraid of that happening to me! Maybe you need more protein when growing another human so it causes cravings? I guess it makes sense. Have fun eating cake and cookies on the couch! My weekend will look a lot like that since it’s raining here which is pretty much the equivalent of the apocalypse in San Diego.

  4. Congratulations on a baby boy, Pizza! Admirable family heirloom collection right there! LOL Kim Kardashian’s ass photos aren’t allowed around here and nobody is pregnant! Looks like we will all be hibernating a while longer with a new storm coming tomorrow night. Stay in, stay warm, snuggly and sated with all the goodies you can find in the next 24 hours. LOL

  5. I wish you and your wife well during this pretty fantastic time. Imagine someday two little hands reaching out to play with your toys and you’ll say “go ahead my son, you mean more to me than this toy collection,” and you’ll really mean it (almost). Great blog, fun photos and even though Kim K’s butt is weirdly poofy, I wouldn’t mind looking like her (except for the giant implants that will cause her great back distress in the near future). If she keeps growing dimensionally, her wax figure in Madame Trousseaus’s will need to be remolded.
    And remember if you’re getting nervous; baby delivery is like pizza delivery but without the box. ;-)
    newbie blogger, mother of two teens who made it past infancy with only a few dents

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