So at the end of last week I posted my guilt-free Halloween list. Now I will list the things that fill me with endless sadness—of which there really is just one. Trick-or-treat Pepperoni exists, and I’m a vegetarian.
I almost bought it anyway. I mean, holy crap, I could give out CURED PORK to children on Halloween! In individual trick-or-treat-sized bags! Little fun packages of MEAT!
Let’s circle back again. Trick or treat pepperoni EXISTS. Is this weird or is it normal?
Okay, let’s go forward again. Cured pork to trick-or-treaters. Cured pork and sometimes beef. Sometimes both. Sometimes entrails.
I just keeping turning it over and over and over in my head, and it doesn’t stop being so awesome. I wish I could eat this. I don’t miss eating meat, but I would probably put an asterisk next to pepperoni.
So over the weekend, we went to NYC for a wedding. I’ve been there multiple times before, so I’m not exactly on the picture-taking and souvenir-buying spin-cycle that I used to get on during visits. In fact, this time, I took precisely ONE picture and bought ONE object.
Here is my ONE picture:
I regret not having time to go to this place. I don’t care if it’s corny as hell and filled only with tourists from Indiana. I don’t care if it’s gross, expensive, and smells like mold and fried food. In fact, I hope it smells like mold and fried food, because that is the only acceptable way for this place to smell. People, it’s called the Slaughtered Lamb. It can do nothing wrong.
This is from an actual one-star Yelp review:
“The back area is where it gets weird. There’s some decrepit fake skeletons display and a weird rotating display of a werewolf attacking a woman.”
That sounds amazing. That sounds worth five starts right there. What is wrong with people?
And here is my ONE souvenir:
What is a solar dried banana? I mean, besides exactly what it sounds like. What is it? These things are probably sold in the check-out area of every Whole Foods across America, but whatever, it was my first time encountering a solar dried banana, whatever the hell that is.
Well, I found out.
A solar-dried banana is a disgusting-looking flattened banana that smells like gym socks. The word “dried” is a misnomer because it is kind of sticky and wet. Upon opening it, I was so revolted by the smell that I IMMEDIATELY REGRETTED IT.
But I didn’t stop there. I also ate it. While nothing violent occurred in my stomach to make me regret it, instead I just had a weird uneasiness for the rest of the day. A worry that something traceable to that wack banana might happen. It didn’t even taste like a banana. It tasted like licorice. I still don’t know what this thing is.
I wish I ate trick-or-treat pepperoni instead.