HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN: REGRETS

20131004_192430

So at the end of last week I posted my guilt-free Halloween list. Now I will list the things that fill me with endless sadness—of which there really is just one. Trick-or-treat Pepperoni exists, and I’m a vegetarian.

I almost bought it anyway. I mean, holy crap, I could give out CURED PORK to children on Halloween! In individual trick-or-treat-sized bags! Little fun packages of MEAT!

Let’s circle back again. Trick or treat pepperoni EXISTS. Is this weird or is it normal?

Okay, let’s go forward again. Cured pork to trick-or-treaters. Cured pork and sometimes beef. Sometimes both. Sometimes entrails.

I just keeping turning it over and over and over in my head, and it doesn’t stop being so awesome. I wish I could eat this. I don’t miss eating meat, but I would probably put an asterisk next to pepperoni.

So over the weekend, we went to NYC for a wedding. I’ve been there multiple times before, so I’m not exactly on the picture-taking and souvenir-buying spin-cycle that I used to get on during visits. In fact, this time, I took precisely ONE picture and bought ONE object.

Here is my ONE picture:

20131019_110943

I regret not having time to go to this place. I don’t care if it’s corny as hell and filled only with tourists from Indiana. I don’t care if it’s gross, expensive, and smells like mold and fried food. In fact, I hope it smells like mold and fried food, because that is the only acceptable way for this place to smell. People, it’s called the Slaughtered Lamb. It can do nothing wrong.

This is from an actual one-star Yelp review:

“The back area is where it gets weird. There’s some decrepit fake skeletons display and a weird rotating display of a werewolf attacking a woman.”

That sounds amazing. That sounds worth five starts right there. What is wrong with people?

And here is my ONE souvenir:

IMG_0444

What is a solar dried banana? I mean, besides exactly what it sounds like. What is it? These things are probably sold in the check-out area of every Whole Foods across America, but whatever, it was my first time encountering a solar dried banana, whatever the hell that is.

Well, I found out.

IMG_0446

A solar-dried banana is a disgusting-looking flattened banana that smells like gym socks. The word “dried” is a misnomer because it is kind of sticky and wet. Upon opening it, I was so revolted by the smell that I IMMEDIATELY REGRETTED IT.

But I didn’t stop there. I also ate it. While nothing violent occurred in my stomach to make me regret it, instead I just had a weird uneasiness for the rest of the day. A worry that something traceable to that wack banana might happen. It didn’t even taste like a banana. It tasted like licorice. I still don’t know what this thing is.

I wish I ate trick-or-treat pepperoni instead.

Advertisements

9 responses to “HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN: REGRETS

  1. hollowroseheart

    Hmmmm, looks tasty. I might have to try to find one of those interesting looking bananas. I actually hate bananas but love licorice. So how knows might be good. LOL :-)

  2. That trick or treat pepperoni looks so gross. I’m a vegetarian too, but I’d like to think I wouldn’t eat it even if I did eat meat. It almost looks like dog treats. And what kid would rather have meat than candy?!

    And that banana doesn’t even resemble a banana slug, let alone an actual banana. I’m impressed that you actually ate that.

  3. Bananas as a whole fill me with uneasiness. I mean, technically it’s a fruit, but I feel like it ought to be a starch. And what’s up with the weird thread things on the outside you have to peel off? And why aren’t you supposed to eat the bottom tip of the banana?

    Best not to touch them at all.

  4. Looks like I’m on the bus from Boston to NYC because of this post. I have to hit that Slaughtered Lamb pub at all costs. I’ll probably stay away from the solar-dried banana though and as for Hormel….well, let’s just say that entire corporation has a lot to answer for. I’d suggest not giving any kids their products unless you want to become your neighborhood’s very own Freddy Krueger.

    • Yeah that Slaughtered Lamb place looked cool on the inside when we peered in. (And my definition of cool is divey, cheesy, and cheap Halloween decorations) It was like 10am when I saw it and if they had been open, I may have broken my no drinking in the morning rule.

  5. I was just there a couple weeks ago in business. I spent some time at the Slaughtered Lamb and made sure to get a shirt but the majority of the time was down the street at Jekyll and Hyde. Amazing place. Like Showbiz meets horror for adults.
    You made my night with Halloween pepperoni.

  6. I really want you and the Pizza Bride to take me on a whirlwind tour of NYC, sometime in the coming year. Can we purty please do this?

  7. I just found your blog and have to say that you are absolutely hilarious! I love you writing and humor. I don’t understand vegetarians and usually think they are aliens invading our earth slowly but you are a great exception, I hope. I look forward to more of your quirky posts and interpretations of life.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s