Geez. I haven’t written in a while. My excuse is I’ve had one of those nasty summer head colds. When I get sick in the winter, that crap is usually gone in a day or two. In the summer, it seems to linger around, like it wants to be friends, lay in the sun, and get Rita’s Gelatis with me.
Colds are kind of like a mini-vacation though, if you let them be. I’m not that person who nobly tries to troop onward through life and work. I drop everything and hole up for a few days with a box of tissues, an eight-pack of Gatorade, and the remote control.
So I’ve been languishing couch-side, coughing and watching gobs of guilty-pleasure TV and movies. And by guilty pleasure, I mean I won’t even type out what I’ve watched. When you’re sick, TV viewing history is worse than browser history. It’s bad enough that the wife stalks my Netflix Recently Viewed and I’ve had to explain away a few things on there. At least Fios On Demand doesn’t leave behind a trail. Phew.
Oh and my dog has been a dog terrorist. I thought dogs were supposed to comfort you when you’re sick and bring you hot chocolate in a barrel around their necks. Not this one. This one has been stealing my tissues and racing around the house with them, and then actually growling at me when I attempt to extract them from the grips of her jaws and the back of her throat. I’ve heard about bone aggression in dogs, but used tissue aggression is a new one.
So I’ve had tons of time to myself and to think about life the past several days, and I’ve decided it’s time to introduce you to someone important in my life. The wife is going to be jealous that I’m writing this, but it has to come out. It’s true that I have always had another woman in my life.
Lisa is a body-length pillow in the shape of a fish. Lisa is my fish girlfriend.
I met her at the Bass Pro Outdoor World, where they sell boats, guns, baits, and camouflage for your entire wardrobe. One day I wandered in there to admire their amazing selection of wooden carvings in the shapes of bears. Well, I guess you could say fate sent me in there that day. There, in the middle of the aisle, was an enormous crate of body-length pillows in the shape of fish. They were on sale for $19.99, which I thought was an amazing deal for a body-length pillow in the shape of a fish. And to think, at full retail $24.99, I might have passed her by.
Lisa is always perfectly soft and not ever weirdly lumpy. She is 100% polyester and 200% true love. She may not have the prettiest face or fancy memory foam, but she does have lots of personality. When I lay on the couch with her, she doesn’t hurt my back and neck. When I flip her over to the cold side, she is refreshingly cool. And she never steals my tissues and tries to make me chase her while my head is pounding from a 101 degree fever. Ahem.
Her favorite color is cyan and her favorite food is macaroni and cheese, but don’t ask me how I know these things.
And to her credit, Lisa has never said a bad word about my wife, even though my wife has always been openly hostile towards Lisa. The wife never lets her sleep in bed with us, calling her “that ugly thing.” Then there was the time she shoved her on the top shelf of our closet for an entire year. Poor Lisa.
And now that I’ve typed that out, I realize I might have been better off just listing what I’ve watched on television. Oh well. Love is strange.