A Journey Through Waffles

eggo_syrup

The wife started it last month, when she brought home a box of the regular Eggo Homestyles. “Something easy for breakfast,” she said. Because sometimes cereal is exhausting and eggs are an odyssey.

To our horror, the box was gone in three days. “How the hell did we eat them that fast?” we asked. It was like an out-of-body experience. Because we don’t even really like these things. Do we? For God’s sake, they’re rubbery toaster waffles. I can’t even tell you what half the ingredients on the box mean. I haven’t eaten like this since middle school.

We shouldn’t be doing this. We’ve got to be adults about it. It’s just a kick, that’s all. You know, how we go on kicks with things. Then we’ll get of sick of it and move on again. It’s fleeting. A comet. A falling star. But man, something just feels so right about it this time.

We’ve gone through four boxes in the last month. We moved onto blueberry. Strawberry. Even chocolate chip. I didn’t even look the wife in the eye when I went to grab another one in the grocery store freezer section the other night. I just shrugged and she said nothing and the approval was tacit.

Every morning we engage in the ongoing waffle war. She gets up an hour before me. From bed, I strain to hear if she’s making those waffles. I listen for the subtle metallic tink of the toaster being pressed. If she’s having them, I’m having them. I’m not eating a measly bowl of cereal if she’s feasting on waffles. The next morning, it begins again. She quietly counts the waffles left in the box. Later, she confronts me.

“Are you eating all the waffles?” she asks.

“No! I had them once. Once and they’re already halfway gone!” I say.

“Once? I haven’t even had any yet,” she says.

“That’s not true. I heard you using the toaster this morning.”

“Oh, now you’re listening to me make breakfast?” she asks.

One of us is bluffing and one of us is eating all the waffles like a big fat pig that no one loves.

It wasn’t always like this. Life is basically a journey through waffles. There’s the waffles your grandmother served with the perfect proportions of butter to syrup. The ones you used to get late night and a little drunk at Denny’s. There were the kitschy road trips with ironic stops at the Waffle House. The smugness and authority of the ones you made at home with the waffle iron living in the city. You did the hippie flaxseed and waffles-from-scratch thing. The exotic chic of the Belgian waffle. The whole-wheat phase. The foray into frozen French toast. You won’t go back there again.

Is the Eggo habit a gateway drug into Pop Tarts? What’s next? Those frozen confetti-sprinkle pancakes? A slippery slope into Toaster Strudels? God knows rock bottom is when you’re desperately squeezing the last drop of frosting from the useless plastic packet.

Relax, it’s just a fling. So don’t get too comfortable around here, Mrs. Butterworth. And anyway, you’re a lie. You’ve never come to life and talked to me, and sometimes I think my resentment over it affects everything I’ve ever done.

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19 responses to “A Journey Through Waffles

  1. You guys are out of control. I’m concerned.

  2. No more crack for breakfast.

  3. Dude. Just buy the ginormous of Eggos from Costco. It’s way cheaper than a marriage counselor. ;)

  4. Awesome. I read this out loud to my wife. First time I’ve read aloud to her since I read CandyFreak during our honeymoon.

  5. Being children of the 80’s I chalk it up to a successful ad campaign. Perhaps after having “leggo my eggo” ingrained in our subconscious we feel the need for the utmost vigilance to protect our waffles from thieves.

  6. At some point this winter, in anticipation of a snowstorm that didn’t happen, my husband convinced me to buy a box of Toaster Strudels. Next thing I knew, it was a month later and I was buying two boxes at a time and apologizing to him that they didn’t have a “value size” box in cherry.

    • haha. I was totally going to do a post about all the “supplies” I bought in anticipation of the ten foot snowstorm that never happened. come to think of it, it might have been the thing the wife bought the waffles for.

  7. This is why I can’t buy those delicious breakfast-type foods. I’d devour them in the car ride home (yes, even frozen waffles… but mostly Pop Tarts).

  8. This is one of my favorite posts. Hilarious. Love the details, such as straining to hear the sounds of the toaster and tacit approval of chocolate chip waffles at the grocery store.

    At some point in your life, you may find forgotten frozen waffles in your freezer. The double-cinnamon (double-deep-fried) french toast sticks will make them seem innocent, almost.

  9. blowingoffsteamandmore

    Pop Tarts taste like cardboard but Toaster Strudels, now those are flaky, sugary, icing covered, plastic-y deliciousness.

  10. I used to sit for hours waiting for that damn lady to talk to me … probably why I still but that brand for the kids, secretly hoping she’ll surprise me someday!

  11. I want to hang out with this post all day and eat waffles with it. And talk about life, the universe, and everything.

  12. HA! Love this post — and has made me want to buy boxes of waffles. I think my husband would thank you for writing this.

  13. The bigger question is do you/your wife fill in each square hole in the waffle with syrup?…. Because that’s where the action is at if you appreciate a good sugar coma like myself.

  14. Pingback: Waffles with Writers: Madame Weebles | WILD ANIMAL REMOVAL SERVICES

  15. now what they say about eating one chip, i guess it applies to waffels to. And for the record I love waffels & real maple sryup.

  16. laughed like a maniac….totally funny and yes, that is the war waged over prime breakfast foods and this is why I sneak mine out in my lunch box. Whoya!

  17. I guess it’s times like this when I can revel in my severe wheat allergy. “I may not be able to get addicted to waffles because having them causes me to double over in agony for three days, but at least I get to pay twice as much for the gluten-free equivalent of a cereal.”
    When I get up the energy, I do make pancakes on occasion, and we have them with real maple syrup because we’re Canadian, and I’m also allergic to corn.

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