Christmas? Check. My birthday four days later? Check. New Year’s? Check. All that’s left is the aftermath. I always preface my posts about what I got for Christmas by saying that I got lots of normal gifts, too. Some clothes, some gift cards, some socks, some soap. Just so you don’t think I’m psychologically-stunted. Psychologically-stunted people never get soap.
And then I also got this massive remote control Ford-150 Monster Truck that does some sweet 360s. Thanks Mom! When you get a remote control Monster Truck as a kid, you can pawn it off on Dad to spend forty minutes untwisting the 4646950 twisty-ties surgically clamping the truck to the box. Jesus, what do I need, a freaking chainsaw?
Also, I’ve figured out how I’m going to become famous. Viral video. Dog vs. Monster Truck.
EDIT: Nevermind. All the dog did was run away shaking. Great, we’ve raised one of those little weirdo dogs.
A Christmas tradition around here is the wife’s ANNUAL EPIC JOURNEY THROUGH THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF EBAY. For everyone else, it’s a website. For her, it’s a saga through evil and darkness, goodness and light. It’s a cruel and fickle entity that has the power to make or break Christmas itself. It’s a daily update filled with commentary and horror.
First there’s the deciding of how much to bid on things that are worthless to her. She thinks everybody on eBay should be thrilled to give their crap away for free. Then there’s the emotional leap of bidding and getting her hopes up. The agony of being outbid.
There’s an entire novella-length story about how the wife ended up with this Go-Bot, which somehow involves more than simply bidding and waiting for the box to come in the mail. And when it did come in the mail, she nearly had a breakdown when she discovered it was only two-inches tall. She had her heart set on me opening A BIG AWESOME ROBOT. FIREWORKS AND LASERS AND CANNONS. She was so disappointed, she even demoted it to stocking-stuffer status.
But I don’t care. This Go-Bot named Screw-Bot is more than substantial enough for my heart.
And here are the other goods the wife procured from eBay:
Vintage plush Pac-Man!
Hot pink Godzilla stickers!
As you can see, the wife truly harnessed the power of dinosaurs to make her inspired gift choices. However, the next thing she picked might be a personal favorite:
Lucas Barton’s immortal words on the Power Glove T-shirt!
Alright, here are few more gifts highlights from family and friends:
Every Ninja Turtle Cartoon, Ever!
This is the motherlode: all ten seasons on twenty-three DVDs. This is the first time they’re all available in one place. Sure, they’ll probably be on Netflix Instant one of these days and render the DVDs completely obsolete, but no one can resist the lure of a van-shaped storage case that sits on a shelf and collects dust. At least, I can’t.
Funko Pop MJ Dolls!
JUST LOOK AT THEM.
Creepy ET Glove!
This is horrible and disturbing. Which means I love it. It’s not a vintage toy — it was actually produced this year for the thirtieth anniversary of the film. It’s a gigantic prop glove for kids to play with. Like some kid in 2012 would want to. Or maybe it’s for adults. Which is also unsettling. The supposed selling point is that the fingertip lights up when you press it on something, but it just makes the whole thing ever weirder.
I don’t watch the new Ninja Turtles cartoon, but I just love the fact that it ressurected an obscure-ish character from the 1990s series. Therefore, I had to have him in action figure form.
Sealed packs of Kong trading cards!
The wife found these in a dusty corner of a Barnes and Noble. She knows I like things that shouldn’t still exist. And sealed trading cards for an eight-year-old film should definitely not still exist on store shelves. So it’s not even that I collect cards or Kong stuff, but that I collect “shouldn’t exist” things. Like these. And that ET hand. And hot pink Godzilla stickers. Well, not those. They really should exist, and thank God they do.