Here’s a strange and random candy bar I found at the Michael’s craft store, of all places. It’s worth mentioning that Michael’s often has an interesting selection of toys and candy. In the past they’ve also had the occasional good Halloween decorations, but this year it was all middle-aged suburb mom stuff, no offense to my middle-aged suburb moms out there. There’s nothing wrong with a glitterbombed pumpkin that smells like potpourri.
The candy bar is Zombie Food, a variation on the Skybar made by Necco. The Skybar is a lightweight, airy chocolate bar that is filled with different fillings like caramel and marshmallow. It’s a candy bar that’s not too widespread, and you usually only find it in places like a Cracker Barrel gift shop or the gas station that also sells weird off-brand potato chips. Or in this case, a craft store in the aisle next to the silk flowers. Man, silk flowers are weird.
As intrigued as I was by this candy bar, my expectations for it were rock bottom. I’m not really into the whole zombie-apocalypse meme. I prefer my fantasy apocalypses to involve vague, wild-eyed references to “the revolution” out in the desert, hanging out in a makeshift bunker with a wacko-yet-lovable gun nut with a heart of gold and his country-gal red-headed wife with a penchant for hairspray. I’ve thought about this a lot. Or maybe I’m just thinking of the movie Tremors.
When I unwrapped the candy bar, I was pleasantly surprised to find this. It was a human-heart-shaped bar with some special detail paid to the chocolate replicas of the veins and valves. Not bad. The chocolate itself was pretty fragile, so the inside filling had exploded a bit into the wrapper, but stickiness aside, it enhanced the overall effect.
Each of the bars is either a heart-shape, brain-shape, or foot-shape. They might have just stuck with the brain-shape since everyone knows that’s what zombies eat, but I’m not going to complain because then it might have denied me the opportunity to eat a chocolate heart valve.
And here is a cross-section of the candy bar. This thing looks righteously disgusting. The red stuff is apparently caramel, although I wouldn’t have guessed it while eating it. I wasn’t really sure what it was besides a glop of red-dyed sugar. It reminded me of a rancid Cadbury Creme egg filled with ketchup.
It tasted bad, but it also tasted good, and it also kind of tasted like black coffee. Red dye has a really strong, specific flavor. I’m actually slightly allergic to it and it makes my mouth go numb and/or break out in canker sores. You’d think all of this combined would have stopped me from eating this, but I did it for you and I did it for Halloween.
In the end, the Zombie Food candy bar confuses me. It’s appropriately gross for Halloween, which makes me love it, but it’s also just gross. It’s shaped like a human heart, which is cool, but it should be a brain. It cashes in on an overused cultural joke, but does rightfully restore zombies back to their place at Halloween. I don’t know about you, Zombie Food. I just don’t know.