In the past, Little Debbie has always shown up at Halloween with brown-and-orange-sprinkled Zebra Cakes or Pumpkin Delights, but this year Little Debbie is showing up in a BIG WAY: BAT-SHAPED BROWNIES.
Bat Brownies are a welcome addition to the Halloween season. I’m surprised they’ve never thought of them before now because there’s something about them that feels totally vintage. The brownies come in a box of six and are individually wrapped. They’re slim and small little cakes, much smaller than the standard-sized Little Debbie Brownie, but they still surprisingly pack two-hundred and ten calories per cake.
Little Debbie snackcakes are unabashedly and unashamedly my favorite “franken-food.” They’re so unnaturally packed with and roided-out on preservatives that they barely taste like the thing they’re supposed to be: cake or brownies or doughnuts or whatever. They’re like a step removed from those things. Even the word “snackcake” feels like it’s supposed to demote them to a sub-category—or rather a sub-species.
Hell, they’re even a step removed from “dessert” and “sugar.” You could take a sixteen-week course in the science of Little Debbies. The answers to cancer and global warming could probably be found in the minds of the scientists who cook these things up.
I don’t care. I love ’em: the somewhat-salty shell on the Zebra Cakes, the upholstery-like texture of the Star Crunches, the formaldehyde-like smell of the Swiss Cake Rolls. I’m going to bring back Official Gifs to explain how I feel about Little Debbies.
THE OFFICIAL GIF OF HOW I FEEL ABOUT LITTLE DEBBIES:
My love for the Bat Brownies is no less. They receive an instant 5 out of 10 rating just for being shaped like a bat. I’m not sure I can really give them any points for taste. There’s that syrupy-thick fake-chocolate taste, the bizarre moistness of a wet sponge, the unmistakable aftertaste of vegetable oil. You don’t really eat them because they taste good. You eat them for some other reason. Reasons only you can know and that no one can ever judge you for.
I shouldn’t love these. No one should. But damn it, it’s shaped like a bat for Halloween. And look at the adorable machine-perfect indentations in the batwings. It’s a thing of beauty:
INSTANT LOVE AND DEVOTION. MARRIAGE. BURIED NEXT TO EACH OTHER HOLDING HANDS FOR ALL ETERNITY. Well, I guess it doesn’t have hands, so I’ll just have to latch on to its chocolately bat wing. Never let go.
Man, this blog is getting weird. That’s what happens when you post of every day for two weeks. It gets in your head for real. Hoo boy.
To end this thing, here is THE OFFICIAL GIF OF THE BAT BROWNIES:
See you next week.