Oh, hello Halloween scratch off tickets. I’ll take five dollars worth, please. Out of the way kids, this is how adults celebrate Halloween. Well this and sadly eating individually-wrapped Reese cups alone while staring out the window into the backyard. But never mind what I just typed. Pretend I didn’t type it because you’re about to witness me become a millionaire. Except these are one dollar scratch-offs and the top prize is only one thousand bucks. So, a thousandaire. I’m totally about to become one.
Everyone has a scratch-off story. Mine is I won one hundred bucks, once. It’s my one fleeting but blazing moment of glory with the state lottery, one I may spend my entire life attempting to recapture. This is clinically known as a gambling addiction, but to me it’s simply an alternate life strategy. You know, in case the whole book-deal-famous-author thing doesn’t work out for me. I’ll just win the lottery.
I had the same philosophy about buying a new car, and that I’d wait to buy one until I won a scratch-off so I wouldn’t have monthly payments. But then my old car wouldn’t start, and I had to buy a new one anyway. Now I have monthly payments for the next six years. I’m not going to linger very long on what this may or may not mean.
Oh God, I have no strategy and no plans. But pretend I didn’t type that, either.
So I’m scratching these off as I’m writing this. I have no idea what’s about to happen. Except by the time you read this in the future, I’ll already have the answer. So if the suspense is killing you, just scroll to the bottom to read what I am sure is going to be crushing disappointment. I already know gambling is a cruel hobby. And that scratch-offs are particularly bitter.
Scratch-offs are like a girl you date in college—lots of fun but it’s never going to go anywhere. There’s Keno—that’s the girl that’s never actual dating, but you spend a lot of time with her in smoke-filled bars. Now, the Mega-millions—that’s the one that’s out of your league. It ain’t ever gonna happen.
And, Powerball, that’s the woman you marry.
Whether I win any money or not, this Halloween scratch-off is packed with awesome. There’s not one—but count ’em—two ghosts. There’s a blinged-out candy corn. A jack-o-lantern. An EYEBALL OH YES. There’s even a Mellowcream Pumpkin, a generic piece of candy, and wax fangs. What I’m saying is this scratch-off is OFF THE CHAIN. I have no idea what that means.
And now, let’s do it.
SCRATCH OFF NUMBER ONE!
Okay whoa. So you scratch off to reveal even more Halloween awesomeness under the wax. I’ve revealed a bat, a broom, a ghost, a cat, a witch, and a pumpkin. But no prize money. I have a feeling I’m going to come to despise that pumpkin.
That’s alright though. I’ve still got four more tickets.
SCRATCH OFF NUMBER TWO!
Oh hello, spider. And oh hello, two bucks. I’m a little disappointed though. The odds of winning are 1 in 4.19, which pretty much means I’ve blown my wad already. My odds of winning again on the next three are like zero.
SCRATCH OFF NUMBER THREE!
WHAAAAAAT. Check it out. ANOTHER DOLLAR. I’M ON A STREAK. Also, check it out—there’s a Dracula underneath the wax. The Maryland State Lottery did not skimp on these babies.
SCRATCH OFF NUMBER FOUR!
Another bust. I’m not surprised. I hate life and I want to gouge my eyeballs out with a rusty ice cream scoop.
I’ve got just one ticket left to become a thousandaire.
SCRATCH OFF NUMBER FIVE!
So I’m not today’s big winner. Whatever. There’s clearly only one smart thing to do with this three bucks. Head straight to a McDonald’s and play Monopoly where my odds of winning are one in four of winning a McFlurry. And then I can still drown my sorrows in French fries.
And remember kids, when you play the lottery, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. But it’s better than using drugs or alcohol because when you use drugs and alcohol, especially drugs, you always lose.