Whoa. It’s October. It’s not even fake-October anymore, that last week in September when you finally allow yourself to get into the fall mood by wearing a hoody even though it’s still seventy-three degrees outside. Nope, we’re pretty much a full week into this thing, so it’s okay to indulge.
In fact, by all means, engorge yourself. Hoodies! Pumpkin Beer! Oreos with orange filling! Reese cups shaped like pumpkins! Random Fall craft festivals the wife drags you to! Pretending you have a fire pit by making smores on the grill! Baking those crappy Pillsbury cookies with jack-o-lantern pictures on them! Gourds! Bad horror movies on Netflix Instant! Fake spider web! Dollar store crap! Spirit Halloween stores cannibalizing the body of the recently deceased Borders bookstores! (RIP.)
DO IT. DO IT.
In previous years, I’ve counted down to Halloween with new posts every single day throughout the month. This year, I’m simply too hungover from MAJOR LIFE EVENTS to post every single day. But I still intend to post a couple times a week. So let’s kick this ish right off. I’ve found some certifiably cool stuff at the local Five Below store.
CERTIFIABLY COOL STUFF #1: HALLOWEEN BIG LEAGUE CHEW
Big League Chew rules. Already the best gum packaging, ever. Then add in a Halloween theme, and Big League Chew skyrockets to a whole new stratosphere. A batting Mummy! A pitching werewolf! Gruesome Grape! Howlin’ Original! These are totally throwback and win my seal of apprOOOOoooooval. Get it? That’s like a werewolf howl. I’m going to make it like, my thing.
I also LOVE the piles of shredded gum. You get to pretend you’re chewing tobacco, which is slightly more fun than pretending to smoke candy cigarettes. There’s also bubble gum cigars and licorice pipes, but those just suck. There’s also REAL SMOKING but those things just kill you.
CERTIFIABLY COOL STUFF #2: THESE LIFE-CHANGING TRICK-OR-TREAT BAGS
Look at them. Just look at them.
Have you fallen out of your seat yet? A Tootsie Roll Pop Owl trick-or-treat bag! A Ghost/Bat DOTS trick-or-treat bag! These things are nice, too. Total class and quality. Two bucks a piece. I’m not even lying. The DOTS one is definitely my favorite. It features a gumdrop dressed up as a ghost. A GUMDROP. DRESSED UP. AS A GHOST. SICK!
Need I mention the Tootsie Roll Pop Owl starring on his own freaking trick-or-treat bag, again? Because it exists. And that is magical.
Look, I’ve always been a pillowcase purist for collecting candy, but these are amazing. In fact, they are so amazing that I bought them for our unborn children. Our unborn children, who are at least two years away from living, and on top of that, like four more years away from being able to walk and carry this giant bag at the same time without dragging it on the ground.
Dear unborn children, I have just bought you the most awesome trick-or-treat bags, ever. You’re welcome. I’m picturing pulling these out of the closet every year is going to be as much of a treasured tradition as is getting the stockings out of the attic each Christmas.
So at this point in the trip to Five Below, I’m literally high on the Ghost Dot and at risk for impulsively buying dumb shit. For instance, a “party pack” of one hundred Halloween pencils. ONLY FIVE DOLLARS WHAAAAAT. SOUNDS LIKE A PARTY TO ME, YO.
Fortunately something else redirected my attention…
CERTIFIABLY COOL STUFF #3: GHOUL DROOL
I DON’T KNOW WHAT THIS IS. IT SPRAYS STUFF. SOUNDS AWESOME. OMFG. GHOUL DROOL. Glow in the dark foam that comes in a pressurized can! There’s too much awesome in that description. Every word is somehow more exciting than the one before it. Plus there’s all kinds of scary safety warnings on the back of the can! IMMEDIATELY FLUSH IF CONTACT WITH EYES. FOR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. DO NOT TAKE INTERNALLY.
The can says you can spray it on pumpkins, spider webbing (what about real spiders!?), bushes, yard decorations, and windows. Just check out that pumpkin on the can with the glowing spray foam goozing all out of him. Right now I’m bugging to run outside and hose down the front bushes in this stuff, but look, it’s only October 6th, and I gotta save something. I gotta slow down, enjoy it. Take it one Reese peanut butter pumpkin at a time.
So keep checking back folks, I’ll be posting a whole lot of Halloween-related reviews over the next couple weeks. And when I bust out the ghoul drool, I’ll post pictures. I hope you’ll be there, too.