Day four! More things!
HOT BEACH THING #1: CASINO
Actually, I’ll be honest. This wasn’t hot at all. I’m only putting it on here so as to not be a bad sport about it. We didn’t win any money. However, the girlfriend wishes to report that she did get to play the Sex and The City slot machine and that it was fun, and that she won six dollars. But then she got excited and spent the six dollars she won, and then walked away with nothing.
HOT BEACH THING #2: NATTY BOH ON DRAFT
Natty Boh, or National Bohemian, is a much-revered beer in Baltimore. It used to be brewed here, but it hasn’t been in a long time, but everybody still pretends to love it. Even the hipsters drink Natty Bohs instead of PBR. It’s generally a cheap beer, and I remember when it was $3.99 for a six pack, although that’s about $5.99 these days. Recently, they started serving it on draft again, and the Orioles’ Camden Yards even made their official beer. BECAUSE AWESOME NINE DOLLAR NATTY BOH BALLPARK PRICES. Why is everyone in Baltimore so excited about this piss-water beer brewed by Miller Brewing in North Carolina? I honestly have no idea. But it’s $1.50 drafts all day in Ocean City, and that makes me happy in a sleazy Baltimore kind of way.
HOT BEACH THING #3: OLD BAY POPCORN
Here’s another sleazy Baltimore thing: Old Bay. I’d eat it straight, but hey, it works if you add popcorn. I’d eat Old Bay on my Old Bay because Old Bay is delicious.
HOT BEACH THING #4: LOWRIDER BIKE
Renting bikes to ride on the boardwalk in the mornings is a tradition. For the most part, the bikes are standard, although there are a few novelty bikes, like the one I rented. Riding this thing was FUN. A ten year old kid totally pointed at me and screamed, “whoa look at that cool bike!” justifying my entire life right there. And although you can’t really tell, in the background of this picture is a shark, meaning this picture contains a shark and a motorcycle bike, and basically means you are looking at the most amazing thing ever.
HOT BEACH THING #5: ARCADE PRIZE MOTORCYCLE:
In order to commemorate my motorcycle bike experience, I chose this toy motorcycle in redeeming some of my arcade tickets. This thing cost me a hundred tickets, which is probably the equivalent of five dollars worth of quarters. The motorcycle itself is dollar-store quality, but you know what? Dollar Stores these days have some damn nice things, okay? Okay?
HOT BEACH THING #6: MICHAEL JACKSON MEMORIAL WALL
This is on the side of the OC Gallery, Ocean City’s infamous and strangely-overpriced art emporium. The outside of the building is all funky and covered in garbage and weird cellophane-wrapped hand-written signs. Michael’s own hand-written, cellophane-wrapped memorial popped up the same summer he passed away, and we’ve been visiting this spot and having a quiet moment in front of it ever since.
HOT BEACH THING #7: SLIPPING INTO THE PLIM POOL
The swimming pool at the Plim Plaza hotel is the largest pool in Ocean City. Some of these other hotels advertise pools that might as well be a bucket of water, like our hotel. Our hotel’s pool sucks. It’s a square—a very small square, about three feet deep, and packed with children who are all little butter beans. But no worries. We just slip into the Plim pool, which is very easy to do if you know the back way in. You see, we used to stay at the Plim. We didn’t this year because the girlfriend put her foot down on not staying in the moldy, paper-thin-walls room with crooked floors. She’s so picky.
Also, our hotel charges for ice. You know who doesn’t? The Plim. No worries. We steal their ice, too!
As for stealing Internet, we’re not close enough to the Plim for that. Thanks, Comfort Inn!
HOT BEACH THING #8: PIZZA CONES?
Pizza Cones? It’s like you can’t say it without the question mark on the end. But it’s genius. We haven’t tried them because they come in pepperoni and sausage only, and we’re depressing vegetarians, but I can still appreciate a glorified Hot Pocket when I see one—and that’s why Pizza Cones are number eight on today’s hot beach things.