I’m on vacation at the beach and bringing you the Surfing Pizza every day this week, straight from the shore! Today has been awesome. This morning was gray and cloudy and in the 70s, which is the worst and most depressing beach weather. But around noon, the sun came out, unveiling a beautiful and scorching hot day. We chilled on the beach and ate Twizzlers and French fries for lunch. That’s the end all, be all right there. Nothing better in the world than the ocean, the sun, and junk food. Right now I’m updating the blog while the girlfriend is shopping. She says I “hold her back” when she shops, so right now I imagine she’s in all her glory, perusing boring art stores without me hovering over impatiently.
We arrived yesterday, so I’m going to review yesterday’s hottest beach things.
HOT BEACH THING #1: GPS
Fuck you Google Maps, we got GPS now. Fuck your slight lefts which are not slight or even left, and damn it, where the hell are we now? Google Maps is evil. It will drive you straight into a lake or straight into hell. “Why didn’t you use MapQuest?” is a question that leads to the worst and most vicious arguments. Google Maps has in fact, nearly brought down our relationship on more than one occasion. “Through sickness and Google Maps,” ought to be in our wedding vows. But you know what? Fuck all that. WE GOT GPS and we’re not driving your evil shortcuts through winding little Delaware towns with no street signs.
HOT BEACH THING #2: THIS ZOLTAR MACHINE
Look at it. Just look at it.
HOT BEACH THING #3: JURASSIC PARK
Unofficial and copyright-infringing! Rainbow letters! T-Rexes! A game with rules I don’t understand but I just hope it spits out tickets as I continue to pump quarters into it! This is everything I want and more!
HOT BEACH THING #4: FORTUNE TELLING MIRACLE FISH
Hello, I love you. This cost a quarter, and although I am certain to throw it away or lose it by next week, I am confident this is the greatest quarter I have ever spent. The fish is a piece of possessed plastic that writhes in the palm of your hand, and yet when it sits on the table, it remains still. Witchcraft. So far my fortune has been “In Love,” “Fickle,” and “Jealousy,” none of which are fortunes, but that’s not really the point. Besides, if I want my fortune, I’ll go to Zoltar.
HOT BEACH THING #5: PLASTIC HUT
Forget the fact that I desperately need to save money for a new car, for our upcoming honeymoon, and for all the crap we have to fix in our house. When I see an awesome plastic hut, I know that is a good investment of my money. And it was only four bucks. Look at how many freaking animals, fence posts, and people were crammed into the plastic hut! I was just expecting a plastic hut, plain and simple. Holy hell. Screw the miracle fish—this is the true miracle right here. My mind was blown when I saw there were approximately 9349395935 animals crammed inside.
HOT BEACH THING #6: THIS SIGN
I totally get the whole no smoking and drinking thing. But no pizza? THAT’S TAKING IT TOO FAR.
HOT BEACH THING #7: AIR CONDITIONING
I am notoriously a cheap bastard when it comes to the electric bill. At home, we keep the temperature at a sweltering 85 degrees in the summer. It saves money so I can buy plastic huts and fortune telling fish. But it’s not even about the money to me. It’s more about being superior to everyone in the world. It’s about saying that our electric bill was only fifty bucks in our three level house in June. So air conditioning is a real treat, along the likes of ice cream and funnel cake when I’m at the beach. And I take special relish in turning it down to an extreme temperature. It’s not just cool, it’s frigid at 60 degrees, and equally as uncomfortable as 85 degrees. There’s something really wrong with me.
HOT BEACH THING #8: HOAGIEFEST
I. LOVE. FLYING. HOAGIEFEST. BANNER. We always go to the beach the last week in June which always coincides with Wawa’s Hoagiefest promotion, where they have specially-discounted subs. I don’t even care about that. I just like the colorful sign. We stopped in Wawa to pick up a couple hoagies for lunch on the beach, where it was insanely packed with people. I mean, it was like Hoagiefest was Bonnaroo in there, with all these sun-shocked people mobbing the place. I had to bodycheck a few people just to get over to the damn ice freezer. That’s how you know you’re having a good vacation, though, when you’re muttering the word “death” repeatedly in the middle of a store while waiting to save fifty cents on a sub.
Alright. That’s it for me for today. Be back tomorrow with more hot beach things, souvenirs, fortunes, and signs. Pizza, out.