There’s a new snack cake on the shelves that’s eliciting a public health outrage, alarming local poison control centers, and terrifying schools. They’re called Lazy Cakes, and they’re brownies laced with Melatonin.
Melatonin is naturally produced in the body in response to the perception of light. One Lazy Cake brownie contains a whopping eight milligrams of Melatonin—a natural sleep hormone—about 25 times what the brain normally produces at .3 milligrams. The cake also contains a cocktail of other herbal supplements, including Rose Hips and Valerian Root.
Lazy Cakes ain’t right. Never trust any brownie that looks like a whack Little Debbie labeled “NOT FOR FOOD USE.” My god, what does that even mean? According to the label, the brownie isn’t really a brownie. It’s a dietary supplement, one of the scariest phrases in the English language, alongside church retreat and potluck dinner.
The mascot is droopy-eyed Larry the Lazy Cake, contentedly stoned on over-the-counter sleeping aids. The Lazy Cakes website states their product is about relaxing. “We think the secret to a long life is being laid back and Lazy Cakes is the way to do it. Easing you down with natural ingredients to help you relax. All this magic is baked in a delicious chocolate brownie to put a smile on your face. This is living, my friend. Grab a box today and let your problems melt away.”
The Lazy Cakes folks are clearly an icky—yet brilliant group of people. They sell faux-pot brownies to stoners, who pay a hilariously marked-up $6 per brownie. In comparison, a 60 tablet bottle of Melatonin costs $2. But as these things will happen, somewhere, an innocent and unsuspecting toddler gets a hold of one, stumbles around lethargically, and causes a mass panic. In fact, several states have already outright banned them. The makers of Lazy Cakes response: “The product is clearly marked as being intended for adults only. We trust they will make educated decisions about what they choose to consume.”
I don’t think anyone who purchases a Lazy Cake is capable of making an educated decision. Except me, of course. I’m all about banned snack cakes packed with hormones and herbal cocktails. I immediately ordered a 3-pack online for $9.99 from the Lazy Cakes website. I was ashamed of myself, but I’ve bought worse snacks at the dollar store.
A few days later, this package arrived in the mail:
It didn’t come in a brown box or wrapper or anything. It was shipped just like this for all the world to see my shame, a purple package labeled “relaxation brownies.” I’m not sure I can ever look the mailman in the eye again.
Here, I just can’t resist a good druggy pun. I suggested to the girlfriend that she eat a Lazy Cake as well, and we would do a “joint” review. Her response: “Did you really just make that joke?” Me: “Yes,” feeling ashamed of myself again. I take back my earlier statement. This is the worst snack I have ever bought.
“So will you eat one with me?” I asked.
“That looks like something that’s going to cause diarrhea. I work with PEOPLE you know,” the girlfriend added.
She’s no fun.
Half of a brownie is the recommended serving size. The label says to take 1/2 brownie, twice a day, I suppose to stretch out the feelings of lethargy and drowsiness all day—or more likely, to cover their asses when some moron teenager overdoses on Melatonin brownies. Overdose is possible, with side effects including headaches, upset stomach, trouble waking, and slurred speech.
Melatonin is generally considered a safe supplement, though there have been instances where these non-regulated health supplements have been found contaminated with toxic metals or other drugs. Herbal/health supplements should always be purchased from a reliable source to minimize the risk of contamination.
Folks, is this the face of something reliable?
He’s a brownie, and he’s baked! Get it? I admit, Lazy Larry is kind of cute. He just likes to nap and watch TV, though it sucks when the remote is on the other side of the room. So he just watches what’s on. For hours.
Alright, it was time for me to try this thing.
Sure it looked like a dry brick, but the taste was not bad. It was whatever. It was a freaking chocolate brownie. I admit, I liked it. I love snack cakes. I thought the dryness worked in its favor—it wasn’t overly oily and didn’t get all over the place.
Then I sat back and waited for the effects of blissed-out laziness. After about half an hour, I began to feel drowsy. I didn’t enjoy the feeling. Drowsiness is the worst. After an hour, my head and eyeballs felt heavy. I felt crappy and tired. I actually felt vaguely nauseous. I guess that’s what I get for pounding down 8mg of Melatonin, 30g of sugar, and 300 calories right before bed. The whole thing wasn’t nearly as “take you down” like a few Benadryls, but then again, Benadryl is a helluva drug.
In the end, I have no fucking clue why someone would buy this. Personally, I have no problem being lazy on my own. I certainly didn’t need this dreadful sleep aid cake to help me. The Lazy Cakes experience was a vicious cycle of shame, lethargy, and chocolate.
If you’re interested in reading more about the relaxing snacking lifestyle, two years ago I also reviewed DRANK, the anti-energy drink. The end results were the same. If this is a relaxed lifestyle, give me the one with the caffeine shakes and heart palpitations.