STAB STAB STAB

The white pumpkin returns for a fun-filled evening of stabbing. You may remember him from a previous post, where I tried to get out of pumpkin carving by sticking a temporary tattoo on the gourd. In the process, we nearly burned down our apartment.

A reader, wombatarama, chided in the comments, “a sad story, but I fear that this is the punishment you earned for trying to avoid doing the right thing by those pumpkins. You are supposed to earn your jack o’lanterns via suffering, poking yourself with sharp tools and sliming your hands and property with pumpkin-guttiness. Let this be a warning to everyone of the cosmic retribution they risk by taking similar shortcuts. ”

And so as a peace offering to the Halloween Gods, I’m doing what I have to do. I’m sitting down at the table and stabbing the pumpkin with the biggest knife in the house. As a bonus, I will be doing this while chewing on pen caps, playing with a lighter, and twirling a pair of scissors in my other hand—thus maximizing my chances of losing a finger, dislocating an eye, setting myself on fire, and choking on the pencap lodged in my throat, all at the same time.

Just kidding, Mom, who is always afraid I’m going to gore myself while doing something mundane. I’m very safe with knifes and carving pumpkins. And I don’t drink liquor while doing it. Only beer. That’s called drinking responsibly.

But my knife isn’t very big. I decided to splurge fifty cents on one of those adorable carving tools for pumpkins.

I know, wombatarama, this is bullshit and I should be using a real knife. And guess what? I also bought plastic gloves so my hands won’t get slimy.

Just kidding, everyone. I’m still getting my hands dirty. No gloves. I’m taking on the pumpkin “bareback-style.” And afterwards, we’re going to eat the pumpkin’s innards by roasting his seeds like CANNIBALS!!!! AHHHH!!! Except in order to be cannibals, I guess that means we’d have to be pumpkins, too. My posts are getting really silly. I’ve been updating for 29 days straight.

Allow me to get all spiritual and hippy-dippy for a moment. I think carving a pumpkin is about bringing out the pumpkin’s inner-personality. Every pumpkin has an energy. For me, the white pumpkin has a really positive vibe. I just felt he was a happy guy. Every year, the question is is whether I want to carve a jolly pumpkin or a scary one.

Last year, I carved an angry pumpkin. The year before that, I carved a broadly-smiling pumpkin.

While it’s entirely possibly I’m projecting my feelings onto the gourds, I still think I’m bringing their inner-energy out. And after consulting with the white pumpkin, I felt he was really happy and content, in love and optimistic. Hey, I’m just listening to what the pumpkin said. Me? I’m pissy and ready to kill. STAB STAB STAB.

So after all that stabbing, here is my work:

It looks like I carved a 90 year old man. The white pumpkin is kind wither-y and gummy looking. And he has markings all over his face from years of smoking. I blame the pumpkin’s energy.

Nevermind. It’s all me. I really thought that carving saw would give me some artistic prowess, but I’ve learned I’m just as clumsy as ever with sharp objects, quickly bored with repeated cutting, lacking the precision-ice focus. I would be a terrible serial killer.

Still, he looks cool lit up in the dark.

The girlfriend even said, “you gave him little eyes! That looks so good! You’re a professional!”

But that’s what love is. Also, I’m a big insecure baby and need constant affirmation. But like I said, that’s what love is.

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7 responses to “STAB STAB STAB

  1. Actually, I confess that I also use those newfangled little saws, but I think this is the trick: They make it so much easier that I carve twice as many pumpkins. I believe this is why I have avoided the cosmic wrath of the Halloween gods – they are happy with the trade-off of somewhat less stabbiness vs. quantity.

  2. I love him!

    • which is why you say nice things to him.
      but I’ve been married for 12 years now and I know she loves me but she’d tell me, “Dang you F’d THAT one up,” if I had. That’s love too, but a little more honest… I guess the longer we’re married the more honest we get which is good–sometimes…

      That said, I miss Halloween already… :o(

  3. Ever thought about using a small, really sharp knife? Makes the job so much easier.. and more dangerous.. but then again what would life be without that little extra hazard..
    He looks nice in the dark though. More happily surprised than 90 years old.

  4. Awwww, your pumpkin is actually really cute. I like him. He’s happy its hallowe’en.

    I’m going to share something horrible with you now. My only consolation after watching this was the fact that pumpkins are not entire plants in themselves, but just gonads or wombs, the bit that has the next generation within them. I know that sounds weird but just… watch the link.

  5. Not funny, you. But the carved pumpkin is very cute. Stop drinking liquor – remember the wrong road.

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