The showdown tonight is between Pumpkin Delights and Fall Party Cakes, both made by Little Debbie.
I kind of wish Little Debbie had the balls to name those cakes Halloween Cakes instead of Fall Party Cakes. But then again, I don’t. Little Debbie doesn’t have to impress anyone. She’s like a thousand years old. Look at her picture. She’s old-timey and weird. While Hostess and Tasty Kake are dressing up their seasonal cakes with spooky sprinkles, Little Debbie is simply repackaging glorified Zebra Cakes.
And why not? Zebra Cakes are the greatest snack cake of all time. I love me some Zebra Cakes. I love the salty icing and gritty, sawdust-based spongecake on the inside. I roll with the stripes. That’s snack cake gang talk for the uninitiated. We have a lingo. I’m down with LD, and I will straight up cut a bitch pack of Ho Hos.
Wow, I have no idea where that came from, but I’m gonna go ahead and leave it in. There’s no self-editing today, folks.
Fall Party Cakes:
Here they all in our their greasy, wet little twin-wrapped glory. These have a major advantage over the Pumpkin Delights because there’s two party cakes. Also, sprinkles. Also, a cream-filled center. The fight is basically over.
And the Pumpkin Delights are not the most flavorful. They’re more bready than anything, and it outweighs the pumpkin flavor, which is very subtle. And by subtle, I mean it kind of tastes like the wet area of the cardboard cake. With a dash of cinnamon. If you were going for pumpkin delightfulness, I’d say pass on these. The only delightful thing about them is that they smile back at you.
WE LOOK LIKE STOMACH PAIN.
There’s a certain creepiness about their smiles. In fact, there’s a certain creepiness about snackcakes carved up like jack-o-lanterns. Also, I notice each one has a grease stain on the face. I guess that’s like a tattoo.
The winner is obvious. Fall Party Cakes. They crush the Pumpkin Delights.
See? Crushed by a Fall Party Cake, and not because I punched it in its smiling face.