Edy’s pumpkin ice cream. I’ve seen this in the freezer section every fall for the past few years, but I’ve never pulled the trigger. Because buying ice cream is exactly like shooting a gun. Idioms will get you banned to a circle of shame in writing workshops.
Pumpkin flavor is one of those divisive things—you either love it or hate it—and I’m one who loves it. So I thought, I should make Halloween sundaes. What a totally brilliant idea, and I came up with it all by myself, and not from seeing the covers of Better Homes Halloween guides in the checkout lane. Make-your-own sundaes are not just for birthday parties and buffets. They’re awesome. They’re for any night. They’re a magical way of adding even more calories and sugar to ice cream.
SO, FUCK YEAH HALLOWEEN SUNDAES.
It was on. Like a sundae mastermind, I picked the key ingredients.
Unless you’re one of those people that keels over or breaks out in hives from nuts, they are an essential ingredient for sundaes. And it ain’t like you can just throw some Planters from the can on top of your ice cream. You got to get wet nuts. I love wet nuts. I long for wet nuts. Nothing can satisfy my craving for wet nuts.
Oh, am I the only one who calls them wet nuts? Fine, pecans in syrup.
And then there’s your syrup as the next essential component of a successful sundae. I chose caramel over chocolate since caramel felt more October-ish.
Reddi-whip is the greatest whipped cream. Now, you might be like, whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat Pizzaaaaaaaaaaaaa, WHERE’S THE COOL WHIP, YOU BASTARD? But when I was kid, my mother found a bobby pin in a container of Cool Whip.
My mother fumed and threatened to sue and called that little phone number printed on the back. We were going to be rich, she claimed. We were going to own Cool Whip. I imagined being a Cool Whip tycoon—whatever tycoons did—probably dive into giant swimming pools filled with whipped cream.
But in the end, we didn’t get a fat settlement check or even the Cool Whip swimming pool. We only got a coupon for a free container of the stuff. The lesson here is obvious: SWALLOW THE BOBBY PIN.
And after that, we became a Reddi-Whip family.
Finally, candy toppings. Sprinkles are crucial to your sundae, and holiday sprinkles are a sacramental rite. As far as the candy topping, I had a wealth of options. Reese Pieces seemed delicious, and had fitting Fall colors. A Halloween version of Nerds candy would have been a quirky choice, if not the best tasting. But I decided on a classic, candy corn.
And here is our most important ingredient of all, the ice cream:
The pumpkin ice cream is really tasty, and trust me, if you were one of folks who got excited about the idea of pumpkin pie Pop Tarts, you will dig. This stuff tasted just like pumpkin pie, and by adding the whipped cream, it only enhanced the effect. Once I added pecans and caramel? It was like Halloween and Thanksgiving and God and Santa and THE GREAT PUMPKIN were having a disco party in my mouth.
Yeah, hyperbole bans you to the inner circle of shame in writing workshops, too.
The sundae is an art form, an individual expression. Here is mine and the girlfriend’s sundaes.
Mine, the top one, emphasized the whipped cream more, while the girlfriend’s sundae was an embodiment of the intermingling between ice cream and candy.
When we go out for ice cream, we always gasp at the sizes of the cups, which can get to be about the size of Big Gulps. We ask, “who the hell would order a size that big?” “Who could even eat it?” And yet, as we made our sundaes at home, we showed no restraint, our sundaes easily approaching the mammoth sizes in the shops.
Maybe it’s social modesty. Maybe it’s the deliciousness of the pumpkin ice cream. Maybe it’s we’re big fat pigs that no one loves.
So I finished my massive, sugary pile of love, and my teeth hurt. I could just feel the cavities beginning to burrow and fester. I decided to brush my teeth. So I did, and swished, and spit. My spit was brown and orange. Like Halloween! How festive!
SO, FUCK YEAH FESTIVE SPIT.