I’m doin’ the goo. The Monster Goo.
I was intrigued by the long pouch in the store. These are made by Too Tarts, a candy maker known for their sour candies that come in unique forms like sprays and drops. Let me be the first to whole-heartedly welcome a candy in goo form. Goo is such a great word. I curmudgeonly paid a shocking price tag of $2.99 for it at Walgreen’s, but maybe the Goo would have exciting side effects.
The packaging was a lot of fun, too:
That’s a strawberry rocking some serious shades. Bad ass strawberry. I noticed the Smart Choice label, which must mean that Monster Goo is a suitable substitution for a vegetable. I also like the fun use of creepy fonts and neon color. And it’s also made in the USA.
USA! USA! USA!
Oh yeah, and it’s sugar free. Instead of sugar, it’s sweetened with Xylitol, which I had to look up. Xylitol is a “tooth-friendly,” non-fermentable sugar alcohol. It’s a sugar extracted from fruits, and according to Wikipedia, it can have a lot of medical benefits such as fighting bacteria and possibly preventing weakening of bones. And that is the miracle of Monster Goo.
There’s only one thing I don’t like about the packaging. This guy:
What if I don’t want to do the GOO with Dr. FrankenPOO? I want to do the goo alone. I don’t trust doctors.
And that’s a strange choice for the candy manufacturer to put the word “poo” on their label. You know, especially when the candy kind of resembles pink poo. Speaking of which, too much Xylitol can also cause stomach pain, bloating, and diarrhea. That’s the trilogy right there.
Looking at the consistency of Monster Goo, it just looks like it causes the dreaded trilogy. The stuff squeezed out of the tube in a stringy, spitty way.
Regardless, the flavor is great. I’ll go as far to say this is the best weird candy I’ve had this season. It’s sugar free, and that’s a good thing. Eating sugar in its purest form hasn’t appealed to me since I was about eight years old. The entire tube only contains 20 calories. And without the sugar, it’s not cloying or sickening. The packaging plays up the intensity of the goo, but I didn’t find it sour at all. The flavor is a tart strawberry, and I’m convinced it would taste fantastic on white bread with peanut butter.
You have to be open-minded about it though. I mean, eating this involves squeezing a tube of jelly in your mouth that looks like pink poo. Hey, I’d recommend it for kids. I think they’d dig the gross-out/spooky factor of it, and as a parent, you can feel good about giving them something that won’t slowly kill them by making their small pancreases work double time.
The craziest part is, this stuff isn’t sticky at all. It’s almost like a lotion. I even tried rubbing some of it in my hands. It rubbed right in, leaving my hands feeling moisturized and clean. And you can eat it. And it prevents ear infections. Again, that’s the miracle of Monster Goo.
So I ate the whole tube. I did it for science. I wanted to see what happens. There was no immediate sugar rush where my head felt like a balloon. I suspect I won’t know the full effects for another twenty four hours after a completed course of the digestive system, but then again, I’m assuming this stuff is going to digest. Maybe it’ll just cycle through. Who the hell knows. Hell, maybe I’ll see the Virgin Mary in the bathroom mirror or something.
I hope so. I have some questions. About life. And lottery numbers.