DOIN’ THE GOO

I’m doin’ the goo. The Monster Goo.

I was intrigued by the long pouch in the store. These are made by Too Tarts, a candy maker known for their sour candies that come in unique forms like sprays and drops. Let me be the first to whole-heartedly welcome a candy in goo form. Goo is such a great word. I curmudgeonly paid a shocking price tag of $2.99 for it at Walgreen’s, but maybe the Goo would have exciting side effects.

The packaging was a lot of fun, too:

That’s a strawberry rocking some serious shades. Bad ass strawberry. I noticed the Smart Choice label, which must mean that Monster Goo is a suitable substitution for a vegetable. I also like the fun use of creepy fonts and neon color. And it’s also made in the USA.

USA! USA! USA!

Oh yeah, and it’s sugar free. Instead of sugar, it’s sweetened with Xylitol, which I had to look up. Xylitol is a “tooth-friendly,” non-fermentable sugar alcohol. It’s a sugar extracted from fruits, and according to Wikipedia, it can have a lot of medical benefits such as fighting bacteria and possibly preventing weakening of bones. And that is the miracle of Monster Goo.

There’s only one thing I don’t like about the packaging. This guy:

What if I don’t want to do the GOO with Dr. FrankenPOO? I want to do the goo alone. I don’t trust doctors.

And that’s a strange choice for the candy manufacturer to put the word “poo” on their label. You know, especially when the candy kind of resembles pink poo. Speaking of which, too much Xylitol can also cause stomach pain, bloating, and diarrhea. That’s the trilogy right there.

Looking at the consistency of Monster Goo, it just looks like it causes the dreaded trilogy. The stuff squeezed out of the tube in a stringy, spitty way.

Regardless, the flavor is great. I’ll go as far to say this is the best weird candy I’ve had this season. It’s sugar free, and that’s a good thing. Eating sugar in its purest form hasn’t appealed to me since I was about eight years old. The entire tube only contains 20 calories. And without the sugar, it’s not cloying or sickening. The packaging plays up the intensity of the goo, but I didn’t find it sour at all. The flavor is a tart strawberry, and I’m convinced it would taste fantastic on white bread with peanut butter.

You have to be open-minded about it though. I mean, eating this involves squeezing a tube of jelly in your mouth that looks like pink poo. Hey, I’d recommend it for kids. I think they’d dig the gross-out/spooky factor of it, and as a parent, you can feel good about giving them something that won’t slowly kill them by making their small pancreases work double time.

The craziest part is, this stuff isn’t sticky at all. It’s almost like a lotion. I even tried rubbing some of it in my hands. It rubbed right in, leaving my hands feeling moisturized and clean. And you can eat it. And it prevents ear infections. Again, that’s the miracle of Monster Goo.

So I ate the whole tube. I did it for science. I wanted to see what happens. There was no immediate sugar rush where my head felt like a balloon. I suspect I won’t know the full effects for another twenty four hours after a completed course of the digestive system, but then again, I’m assuming this stuff is going to digest. Maybe it’ll just cycle through. Who the hell knows. Hell, maybe I’ll see the Virgin Mary in the bathroom mirror or something.

I hope so. I have some questions. About life. And lottery numbers.

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11 responses to “DOIN’ THE GOO

  1. You got a thing for strawberries I think. First the biker strawberries on the dollar store magnet, now this.

    Strawberries are hardcore.

  2. amberdorkostopper

    you lost me at “like a lotion”.

  3. I’ve had this stuff and I love it. I thought it would be a one time half package type of deal, but no. I’ll pick it up whenever I see it. Try it frozen.

  4. I noticed that the package indicates that it it resealable. Maybe you weren’t supposed to eat the whole thing in one sitting? But Too Tarts does make some good candy. I like the sprays, but they lose their appeal after a day or two.

  5. How do I spell my name wrong?!?! Uggh!

  6. technicoloryawntapes

    Maybe it’s just me, but I’m alarmed at the amount of “goo” candies that are available in the Halloween aisle this year. It just feels like the candy makers made a vat of sugar junk and just said, “THROW IT IN BOTTLES! DRESS THAT SHIT UP WITH SOME WACKY SLOGANS!” But I really haven’t eaten any of it, sticking to my precious candy corn. The real question is: Will there be a bunch of Christmas goo?

    BTW, my neighborhood Walgreens totally started getting rid of their Halloween aisle last night. I said something about it to the guy doing the change out and he just gave me a slight smirk and continued to hate life.

  7. While I love the packaging, it just looks downright nasty sitting on a plate.

  8. Doctor FrankenPOO is awfully Groucho Marx-y, minus the glasses.

  9. You just had to squeeze it into little mounds so that tt looks like bloody ferret poo. At least I’m not hungry for lunch anymore. At 20 calories in the whole pack, this is something that’s definitely worth checking out, though. Even if it is just sugar-free jelly in a strangely cool package.

  10. I just realized that Dr. FrankenPOO!, looks like Lionel Richie, or Eriq La Salle as he appeared in Coming to America.

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