And now we have these two fine gentleman, these vampire candy dispensers. One is a timeless classic, a Halloween Pez dispenser. The other is something filled with gel. It looks sticky.
Everyone, it seems, is a wannabe collector of Pez dispensers. I tried to collect them throughout childhood, and even a few times in adulthood, but I’ve never amassed more than three or four at a time. Once the candy is gone, the dispenser is of little use to me. I think I do Pez wrong. I’ve always eaten the candy immediately after putting them in the dispenser. I’ve always felt a little guilty about this, like I don’t savor them or space them out. I just load it up and then eat every single one in succession.
The dispenser acts as a useless middleman, and yet is an integral part of the experience. For whatever reason, when I was a kid, I used to struggle to line the candies up in the dispenser. I could never get the thing to hold still while I shoved them in. It was always snapping shut and frustrating me. I find it much easier to do now, though I find many things easier. Tying my shoes. Pouring milk from the gallon container. Signing my name in cursive. Manipulating others for personal gain.
We often think how life is much harder as adults, and how easy we had it as kids. We have bills and stress and jobs. But we also have Pez loading skills. It’s not terrible, if you think about it. I loaded up that Dracula in seconds flat.
Like cold beer, like the smell of sun tan lotion, like Saturdays, Pez are simply great. I don’t even take breaths between each candy. I flick the head and out pops a Pez, and I don’t quit until the dispenser gives nothing more. In heaven, the Pez dispensers must be endless.
I’m loving this particular Dracula Pez. He glows in the dark, dispenses dextrose tablets, and speaks seventeen languages fluently. Take a moment to fully reflect on the simplicity, class, and beauty of the timeless Pez dispenser.
Now, let’s take a look at the other one. We’ll call it the Gel Dispenser.
This is the wrapper that illustrates what’s going on here. It’s a lollypop that, instead of a stick, has a squeezable tube of green apple gel. Yeah, it’s weird. But I love that illustration.. And I’d be totally on board with this if the gel was red and squeezed out of Dracula’s mouth like he was hacking up blood. Because candy that mimics the effects of Tuberculosis would be quite the innovation in candy. Note to candymakers: I came up with it first.
But instead, it does only this:
Squeeze the tube, and gobs of bright green gel oozes out of the head. Also see: disembogue, dispense, ejaculate , emit, empty, erupt, excrete, exude, give off, gush, leak, ooze, release, send forth, spew, void, vomit.
The gel is gooey and sticky, and turns the lolly pop into a slobbery wet mess. It’s like a Fun Dip Stick gone wrong.
And that’s what I’ve got tonight. Some vampire candy dispensers. There you have it.