Be Still My Marshmallow Heart

Here is one gigantic marshmallow heart, about the size of a Thanksgiving turkey. I found this at Wal-Mart for five bucks while scouring the aisles to find some stuff for the countdown this week. There’s slim pickings on the Halloween shelves this time of year, with all the Christmas stuff starting to rudely shove its way into the seasonal aisle. It’s sad, but by the last week of October, Halloween is already is taking a backseat.

It just wasn’t looking good as I wandered the wasteland of the picked-over masks slumping on peg hooks and pumpkin buckets grimacing across the section at smiling snowmen and jolly Santas. A bag of Kit Kats laid on the floor collecting dust. A misplaced bottle of laundry detergent took up empty space on the shelf. A little girl stood right on top of me, eating from a random container of movie popcorn. Oh my god, where are the parents. Where did this random popcorn come from. The Halloween aisle was no longer fresh and clean. It was trashed. Everything left sucked.

And then, well, be still my marshmallow heart. A glorious, sugar-coated, enormous marshmallow heart. Take that, you bully Christmas decorations. When I got home, I weighed it, and it was heavy enough to register a weight on the scale at two whopping pounds. You could tone your arms with it. Containing ten servings at a 160 calories each, this entire package delivers 1600 calories. No surprise there. Just look at the sugar glistening on it.

It looks like a fat glazed ham.

That’s the left atrium, sparkling with a pound of sugar. In fact, that’s exactly what your entire heart would morph into if you were to eat this thing. I’m not even going to open it and taste it, because I already know exactly what it tastes like. A giant, bland marshmallow thing dyed with red food coloring. And crunchy sugar goodness.

No, I can’t open it. I need to save this. This marshmallow heart is meant to be sliced into and savored among friends.

So we got in line pay for the heart, and as usual all the lines at Wal-Mart were bullshit. People had their shopping carts packed and stacked with seemingly random assortments of goods. We staked out the best line that appeared to have the greatest odds of moving at a decent pace, and we found one. There were only a few people ahead of us, and the man in front of us only had three items in his hands.

Then the girlfriend whispered to me, “the man in front of us is buying The Human Centipede.”

And bananas. A lot of them.

That picture doesn’t necessarily illustrate anything, except maybe the fact that my cell phone is from 2005.

He was an older gentleman, gray hair, a collared-shirt, 100% cotton, tucked into Mom jeans. Alone. Buying The Human Centipede. A DVD of it. To own forever and display in his collection. The movie where people are sewn together ass to mouth.

And approximately sixteen bananas. I’m not really sure if he was going to have a great night or a really awful one.

So if you need me, I’m going to be rocking in the corner, clutching my marshmallow heart. But herein lies a heartwarming lesson. Though the aisles may be getting less spooky as another holiday nudges its way in, real life will always find novel ways to disturb us.

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8 responses to “Be Still My Marshmallow Heart

  1. Wal-Mart lines defy all logic. The only thing that shocks me about your story is that banana man didn’t pay with a check. I also think Christmas needs to get checked and wait its turn. Is two months not enough? Until Nov 1, I’m feeling evil, not happy and giving. I want fake, bloody, axes in my stores. Not Noel and smiling snowmen!

    • oh our last Wal-Mart line nightmare involved a check. this woman had over five hundred dollars worth of merchandise in the 10 items or less line. We would have gotten in another line, but we were next, and no other line was really a better option. So close and yet so far away.

      We just stayed put and ogled the obscene amount of stuff she was buying. There’s seriously like 10 mega bags of dog food alone, like she’s feeding dogs the size of dinosaurs. Some people behind us started grumbling, causing the woman to apologize unemphatically, angrily, “SORRY, EVERYONE THAT SIGN IS REALLY UNCLEAR,” motioning to the 10 items or less sign.

      Finally, every item is scanned. Finally. The total comes to like $560 bucks. That’s when she pulls out THE CHECK BOOK.

      NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

      You ever notice how when a credit card declines, the cashier will icily tell people it was declined and refuse to run it again. Well why is it when a check declines, the cashier will try about five times to run that bitch through?

      So yes, the check declines. The woman throws a hissy fit blaming everyone and everything. She can’t believe it. She has the money, she claims. Where is a bank? Is there a bank in here, she not so much asks, but demands.

      She takes back her check, takes a few pretend steps towards the in-store bank, and then disappears from the Wal-Mart altogether.

      We don’t actually shop at Wal-Mart often. It’s just so tempting to save that dollar on sun tan lotion, and I don’t know why.

      • I don’t understand why people still use checks. I guess displaying your bank account and home address for all the world to see is somehow more secure than a debit card? I haven’t seen anyone under 65 use checks in probably 5 years. Wal-Mart is a last resort stop. I use the Principle of Least Old People when picking lines at Wal-Mart. It’s not perfect, and sometimes even backfires, but Law of Shortest Line ceases to ring true within the hallowed walls of Wal-Mart.

      • Bad check writer. She deliberately went to the express lane, hoping the cashier would feel the heat from the other customers and take the check anyway.

  2. Target. Always go to Target.

  3. Buying the human centipede. And bananas bananas bananas.

    Who knows? Maybe he’s perfectly normal. But I couldn’t even sit through the preview for that.

    I like the giant heart much better.

  4. I work across from Walmart and have not been to see their holiday display for a while (was there today to get lunch at McDonald’s). At Home Goods, however, Christmas items has already overshadowed Halloween ones. We began getting Halloween items in August, then Christmas came in September. Last year, around December 5, Valentine’s stuff started coming. This is just how it is in retail.

  5. Greetings. I saw a gummy brain around this same time, but didn’t have the five bucks I needed. Though I was dreadfully disappointed, what should I open for Christmas this year but a freaking huge marshmallow heart that my sister got me after Halloween and saved for later. I just ate the last of it today, and it is actually very good, not bland at all. It tastes of cherry, very sweet like a marshmallow peep. And no, it doesn’t taste nearly as bad as it looks. Don’t feel nervous about trying it, because it is well worth the sugar high. And yes, I did eat the whole thing myself.

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