What We’re Being

It’s official. Halloween costumes have been chosen. I’m going to be Michaelangelo and the girlfriend is going to be Miss Piggy.

According to the girlfriend, “WIGS MESS UP EASILY, THEY’RE SYNTHETIC AND GET TANGLED.” So what you are seeing here is a rare look at the elusive Miss Piggy wig, which has been kept properly in a protective net and plastic casing. Also, we have the elusive Miss Piggy nose. Because “NO YOU CAN’T JUST USE ANY PIG SNOUT. IT WILL LOOK CREEPY AND PSYCHOTIC. IT NEEDS TO BE A CUTE ONE.”

In the other words, the girlfriend has been hardcore about her costume. By the way, she doesn’t actually yell when she talks. That’s just the way I feel like portraying her tonight. I guess I’ve been overprotective about my costume, too. I throw all my regular clothes on the ground. That Ninja Turtles shirt? Nicely folded and sitting on top of the bookshelf.

Michaelangelo isn’t even my favorite Ninja Turtle, but what influenced my decision is that I own a pair of real nunchucks.

When you have the opportunity to take a real weapon to a Halloween party and pass it off as part of the costume, that beats all. Sure, I could dress as a psycho killer and take something like a real meat cleaver, but party hosts are generally uncomfortable about that kind of thing. I’ll have to save that one for the children on Halloween night.

Sure, nunchucks are a deadly ninja weapon, illegal in many states to possess, and you can probably kill a man with those. But I’m going to be wearing a Michaelangelo mask, so no one is going to worry. Michaelangelo is trustworthy.

I like this mask. It’s a throwback to the flimsy plastic masks, but it’s actually well-constructed, and I’ll be able to have “mask confidence,” knowing it will not slip or tear during wear. It even has double reinforcements with both a rubber band string and a cloth bandanna tie. I also like that there are numerous breathing holes in the teeth area, which is a total upgrade from the microscopic nostril holes in masks from the 1980s.

Seeing out of the mask will be a slightly different story, but also, a completely unimportant one.

Miss Piggy and Michaelangelo. This would sort of be like a couples costume, if you imagine Miss Piggy is a slut and cheating on Kermit with another green guy. But it sounds like I’m heading down a disturbing path towards Muppet fan fiction. And I don’t know if that exists, and I’m not going to Google it. We’ll look at it as though we’re going as our childhood heroes. The girlfriend looked up to a violent, bossy pig who wore a tiara, and I looked up to a violent, sarcastic turtle who wore a bandana.

Other heroes on my shortlist include, the T-Rex who ate the guy on the toilet, Rose in Don’t Tell Mom, the Babysitter’s Dead, and all people named Tito. Also, Twinkie the Kid was a hero of mine. He’s a cream-filled snackcake who wears a cowboy hat.

His heroic act? Being delicious.

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6 responses to “What We’re Being

  1. Chocodile’s my hero, that elusive endangered species.

  2. Excellent choices. I’m being lame and going as a homicidal maniac… which pretty much means I’m too cheap to get a costume. But it’s not like I have a party to go to anyway….. and my cat just yarfed on the carpet…

  3. Yeah, great choices. I think I have those same chucks! I found them at an anime convention and was surprised to find a ninja turtle eyemask in the box when I got home. We’ve got a Halloween party on Friday night. My wife is going as Jessica Rabbit and I’m going as Starkiller from the Force Unleashed games.

  4. Well I’m a long time reader, first time writer.
    But I had to chime in on the miss piggy turned sloot-bag cheating with another greenguy
    just awesome.
    also thanks for writing what I’ve always thought about xmas shoving its punk ass nose into halloween’s bidness ahead of schedule. I’ve had some choice words with kris kringles image being placed alongside the cryptkeeper for YEARS now

  5. Actually my wife insists that we might be related.
    Methinks it’s just another way of telling me how immature I am. (no offense)
    Since yesterday was our 12 year anniversary, surely she’s used to this.
    Use sloot-bag. Severley under-utilized.
    Finally, we are considering HI and Ed McDunnough for halloween. I was completely taken aback by how many times I’ve had to explain who they are in contemplation of our costumes this year. ugh.

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