Because my teeth are going to turn brown and drop out of my mouth if I review candy another day in a row, today we’re going to talk about the importance of brushing. And not just that, but the importance of brushing correctly. If you brush wrong or not long enough or with the wrong type of toothbrush, everyone in the dentist’s office can tell, even the lady who just makes appointments. She will shake her head in shame.
Here we have Halloween toothpaste. Now, toothpaste has done many gimmicky things over the years: Sparkle Crest, Colgate Star-shaped, Blue Minty Gel, The Pump. But it’s about time they came out with special holiday editions. Yes, I believe there has never been anything like it. Halloween Toothpaste is brand new 2010, and what’s this? IT GLOWS IN THE DARK?
I thought I had found a holy grail of oral hygiene, but don’t get too excited. The toothpaste itself does not glow in the dark. That’s a revolution for another day. Hopefully in our lifetime. For now it’s only the stupid label that glows, with the pumpkins’ faces that light up.
Have a glowing tube of toothpaste could be enjoyable, but the pumpkins require regular exposure to light in order to glow through the night. The thing is, the bathroom light is always off. I guess I could sit the toothpaste on the windowsill in the living room all day, and then turn off all the lights in the bathroom when I’m ready to brush my teeth. But that’s a lot of effort—effort I don’t even put into proper brushing technique.
Still, that’s a fun effect. It pretty much had to be. A bunch of pumpkins printed on the label alone aren’t going to impress me. Glowing pumpkins? Well, now you’re starting to butter me up.
The flavor, Wicked Watermelon is okay, but they took the easy way out on that one. Wouldn’t it be way spookier to brush with a candy corn flavor? What about a pumpkin pie flavor? A cinnamon vampire blood? A black cat licorice? A minty Mummy? Kids would be pouring it down their throats.
Colgate, call me. I have ideas.
But here is a close-up of the watermelon, wicked and whatnot, whatever:
The toothpaste has a strange consistency, very thin and runny. The smell is unmistakably watermelon and smells like candy. However, brushing is not sugary sweet bliss. The flavor is all fluoride-y. I can’t imagine anyone over the age of seven enjoying this, and only then because they don’t know any better.
Regardless of the flavor, I have thumbs up for this, because hey, I’m a fan of toothpaste. You may be thinking, isn’t toothpaste like the antithesis of Halloween? No, it is the savior of Halloween. After defiling our mouths with chocolate, corn syrup, and candy corn, toothpaste absolves all sins. It’s kind of like Jesus in that way. Floss and Mouthwash complete the holy trinity. People who don’t brush their teeth are playing on Satan’s secret playground.
And the forlorn front desk lady who makes appointments at the dentist office knows who’s been visiting the playground. Oh crap. I just figured it out. SHE IS SATAN.