Halloween Dots

I’d seen the seasonal Dots last year at Halloween, but ignored them. Who the hell eats Dots? Weren’t they like, some old-timey candy? Weren’t they like, only found in Cracker Barrel gift shops or in the dim back row of movie theater concession stands? Weren’t they like, something witches used to build their evil gingerbread houses in the black forests of Germany?

I’d never even tasted regular Dots. There were simply more interesting ways of getting my sugar fix. I probably wouldn’t have even tried the Halloween Dots this year, but the girlfriend was lured into a gigantic display of them in the store.

That’s a really bad sentence. Was she literally lured into the display, a vortex of sucking cardboard boxes pulling her in? That’s totally creepy. Well, you get what I’m saying.

There are three Halloween varieties, Candy Corn, Ghost, and Bat. We were both intrigued by the Candy Corn flavor and bought those. Keep in mind, this happened about a month ago. We devoured that box in a day. They had no chance of making the countdown. And it got vicious. Lies and accusations. There were deplorable tactics involved, like sneaking them in the middle of the night and bald-faced lying about it. We were accusing the other of eating more than a fair share of the Candy Corn Dots.

“Who ate all the Dots?”

“Where did half the box go?”

“YOU’RE EATING ALL THE DOTS, YOU IGNORANT SLUT.”

Then there was the worst accusation of them all: “You ate the whole box.” I accused the girlfriend of doing it. She’s claiming that it was actually me that ate the whole box. The things were like crack-cocaine.

Now I had to try those other flavors. So I’ve decided to review them, and we now have about 2,000 calories worth of Dots in the house.

Tuesdays are a real blast around here. We had a binge of Dots while downing Corona Lights with them. We were also watching The Biggest Loser, a show that’s about morbidly obese people running in slow motion, and then weighing themselves while speed-metal Gregorian chanting psychotically plays.

Think about it. Dots. Coronas. Sweaty fat people on TV. Speed metal Gregorian chanting. Just think about it.

Now let’s take a closer look at the Dots:

Having tasted them all, I still think the Candy Corn Dots are the best. One of my favorite blogs, Candy Blog, posted a review of each of the Halloween Dot flavors last year. I consider Candy Blog to be the Internet’s leading authority on candy reviews, but in this case, they got it totally wrong when they rated the Candy Corn flavor a “5 out of 10.”

I have to respectfully disagree and give them a 10 out of 10. They don’t actually taste like candy corn. It’s more of a butter/vanilla/plastic flavor, a combination that equals delicious to my stomach. If I must criticize them in any way, it’s that they inexplicably didn’t include the top white point to complete the candy corn look.

I also realize that candy corn in itself can be a very divisive thing. I love the stuff. I reserve my bile for Mellocreme Pumpkins. Those things are noxious.

This box design is the coolest with that fun little bat with a blood orange mouth. The flavor is tangy and nice. It would be better if the insides of the Dots were a blood orange color, but overall, these things are like crack, too. I rate them an 8 out of 10, and that bat on the front box gets a special award rating of 1 million.

Ghost Dots win for most adorable box. The Dots themselves are a greenish translucent color. These are same flavors as traditional fruit dots, with the ghostly mystery of not knowing which flavor you’re going to get. If the Dots had individual smiling faces printed on them like that adorable guy on the front, I’d be willing to rank these a 15 out of 10. But since they are faceless, and given that they are regular fruit flavors stripped of their color, I can go as high as 6 out of 10.

Bottom line is, if you’re like me and having avoided Dots your whole life, pick up a few boxes of these. But prepare to never feel quite satisfied knowing that the box is waiting in the kitchen. There is a gnawing feeling, an urge, a scratch. And there will be lies, accusations, and cover-ups.

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18 responses to “Halloween Dots

  1. I seriously love Dots. All the varieties except the black crows. The blood orange are my favorite of the Halloween ones, but the ghosts ones are great because I expect them to glow in the dark. Try the yogurt ones sometime, they great.

  2. If they’d called the Candy Corn Dots “I squandered all my imagination on the other two Halloween Dots so these are really just boring Vanilla Pudding Dots” they would have gotten a perfect 10 for that. I really would have liked a honey or caramel note to them.

    But they were actually pretty good …

  3. Ugh. the candy corn dots are NASTY!!

  4. I’ve always hated dots for some reason. I think it’s the plastic flavor. It’s not my thing. ;)

  5. Man, Dots are so divisive.

  6. Crows are the black licorice variety of Dots(aka-Nasty). I still have my sealed and shrink wrapped box of Bat Dots I purchased last year. I picked them because the bat on the box is awesome, and blood orange seemed to be the best flavor(IMO).
    And on a related note, I hate candy corn and mallocreme pumpkins.

  7. I classify Dots as “Almost Old People Candy.” They’re closer to Necco wafers, licorice, and peppermint candies than to Gobstoppers or Warheads. As such, they never really grab my attention unless I’m desperate for sugar and the rest of the movie theater candy sucks ass. But I gotta admit, those Candy Corn Dots have me debating a Target run after work.

  8. This may ban me from the in-crowd, but I have always hated Dots. I think of them as a gum drop with all the sugar sucked off my an old lady with no teeth. Sorry for placing that image into your head.

  9. I LOVE the Bat Dots..

    I let my mother try some, and then a whole box went missing. Bitch stole them.

  10. i heart the original DOTs. these new-fangled flavors seem unnatural, but with such a good rating from you, i’m willing to give them a try.

  11. Exactly what is the stick to your teeth factor of the seasonal Dots?

    The stuff sticking up your teeth for a half hour with no flavor is the main reason to avoid dots and get the Milk Duds instead. And personally the flavor/taste of black licorice is simply horrible to me.

    But candy corn, mmmmmm.

  12. licorice is horrible to me too, but the black ones are blood orange. the blood orange ones don’t stick very much weirdly enough, but the other two do

  13. Look at me, commenting a years and a half later…

    My favorite are the blood orange ones. I still have a box stashed away in the compartment in my headboard.

    The mixed fruit ones look neat but, ultimately, it’s the regular dots with a ghost on the box and the inability to avoid the flavor you don’t like. It’s Halloween style Russian roulette.

    The Candy Corn… tastes exactly the same as what’s in the little glass bottles (with the extracts and oils…) of Marshmallow flavoring used for making candy. bout halfway through the box, I was wishing they would disappear, so I wouldn’t feel obligated not to waste them. It’s not so much that they were sicking (though they kind of were, kinda), as the fact that I couldn’t get past how they were fake marshmallow flavor instead of candy corn flavor.

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