I’d seen the seasonal Dots last year at Halloween, but ignored them. Who the hell eats Dots? Weren’t they like, some old-timey candy? Weren’t they like, only found in Cracker Barrel gift shops or in the dim back row of movie theater concession stands? Weren’t they like, something witches used to build their evil gingerbread houses in the black forests of Germany?
I’d never even tasted regular Dots. There were simply more interesting ways of getting my sugar fix. I probably wouldn’t have even tried the Halloween Dots this year, but the girlfriend was lured into a gigantic display of them in the store.
That’s a really bad sentence. Was she literally lured into the display, a vortex of sucking cardboard boxes pulling her in? That’s totally creepy. Well, you get what I’m saying.
There are three Halloween varieties, Candy Corn, Ghost, and Bat. We were both intrigued by the Candy Corn flavor and bought those. Keep in mind, this happened about a month ago. We devoured that box in a day. They had no chance of making the countdown. And it got vicious. Lies and accusations. There were deplorable tactics involved, like sneaking them in the middle of the night and bald-faced lying about it. We were accusing the other of eating more than a fair share of the Candy Corn Dots.
“Who ate all the Dots?”
“Where did half the box go?”
“YOU’RE EATING ALL THE DOTS, YOU IGNORANT SLUT.”
Then there was the worst accusation of them all: “You ate the whole box.” I accused the girlfriend of doing it. She’s claiming that it was actually me that ate the whole box. The things were like crack-cocaine.
Now I had to try those other flavors. So I’ve decided to review them, and we now have about 2,000 calories worth of Dots in the house.
Tuesdays are a real blast around here. We had a binge of Dots while downing Corona Lights with them. We were also watching The Biggest Loser, a show that’s about morbidly obese people running in slow motion, and then weighing themselves while speed-metal Gregorian chanting psychotically plays.
Think about it. Dots. Coronas. Sweaty fat people on TV. Speed metal Gregorian chanting. Just think about it.
Now let’s take a closer look at the Dots:
Having tasted them all, I still think the Candy Corn Dots are the best. One of my favorite blogs, Candy Blog, posted a review of each of the Halloween Dot flavors last year. I consider Candy Blog to be the Internet’s leading authority on candy reviews, but in this case, they got it totally wrong when they rated the Candy Corn flavor a “5 out of 10.”
I have to respectfully disagree and give them a 10 out of 10. They don’t actually taste like candy corn. It’s more of a butter/vanilla/plastic flavor, a combination that equals delicious to my stomach. If I must criticize them in any way, it’s that they inexplicably didn’t include the top white point to complete the candy corn look.
I also realize that candy corn in itself can be a very divisive thing. I love the stuff. I reserve my bile for Mellocreme Pumpkins. Those things are noxious.
This box design is the coolest with that fun little bat with a blood orange mouth. The flavor is tangy and nice. It would be better if the insides of the Dots were a blood orange color, but overall, these things are like crack, too. I rate them an 8 out of 10, and that bat on the front box gets a special award rating of 1 million.
Ghost Dots win for most adorable box. The Dots themselves are a greenish translucent color. These are same flavors as traditional fruit dots, with the ghostly mystery of not knowing which flavor you’re going to get. If the Dots had individual smiling faces printed on them like that adorable guy on the front, I’d be willing to rank these a 15 out of 10. But since they are faceless, and given that they are regular fruit flavors stripped of their color, I can go as high as 6 out of 10.
Bottom line is, if you’re like me and having avoided Dots your whole life, pick up a few boxes of these. But prepare to never feel quite satisfied knowing that the box is waiting in the kitchen. There is a gnawing feeling, an urge, a scratch. And there will be lies, accusations, and cover-ups.