The last couple posts have been about bubble gum, candy, and sugary cereal. In other words, cavity central. Root canal galore. Today I wanted to switch gears and take a look at the non-edible side of Halloween with a couple of toys I’ve found this year.
Now, some toys are made to open up the worlds inside kids’ minds and spark imaginative play. Others are created to rot kids’ minds and turn them into future delinquents. Some toys help kids discover athletic endeavors, others to solve puzzles.
And some toys have no point at all. Halloween is a great time for these strange little toys to pop up and inexplicably exist. And here are a few, ranked professionally by me, in order of least evil to most evil.
1. NOT EVIL:
A one-toothed pumpkin in a witch hat, smiling. He’s hollow on inside and only painted on one side. Actually, the more I study him, he appears to have a rabbit’s face. In fact, he definitely has a rabbit face.
What does he do? The answer is nothing. His entire purpose in life is to look adorable on a table and remind you to be in a Halloween mood. Duly noted, rabbit-faced pumpkin. Once I get a pumpkin to carve, this guy would probably look slick nearby.
2. NOT REALLY EVIL BUT KIND OF A JERK:
Here’s something the girlfriend purchased for inclusion into the countdown. I’m somewhat baffled by it. It’s a pumpkin—an angry one at that—with arms and legs, riding a bicycle, towing a swirly lolly pop. I’ve never really thought about it, but now that I am, pumpkins riding bikes are freaky. Also, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this same thing at Easter, only with a rabbit on board.
He’s supposed to wind up and his bicycle will go along, bobbing across the table. But not here. Wind this angry bastard up, and he just falls over pathetically, defying my will. Bob across the table, you. Fine, I’m not going to eat your lolly pop.
3. SOMEWHAT EVIL:
Here’s a squirting devil toy. I love the facial features. For a toy that only cost a dollar, a lot of evil has been packed into that smirking, devilish face. That’s what I call a bang for your buck.
And unlike the others, this toy does something. It squirts water at helpless victims, like your dog or newborn. Other nifty features include a string so that you can sport the squirt devil around your neck, thus you may also be able to get away with secretly squirting trick-or-treaters.
Okay, so this is not specifically Halloween, but let me explain why I’ve included this wee little Hansel and Gretel diorama, aside from the fact that I wanted to say the words, wee little.
It’s a warning, folks. These kids are seriously in a fucked-up situation. And it could happen to you. You’re out trick or treating. You go up the porch to ring the bell. Ding DONG. A kindly old woman answers. She’s wearing a shawl. Beware of shawls. They’re never a good sign. The rattier, the worse your situation is about to become. What you don’t know is, she’s a cannibalistic hag, and you’re about to be lured into captivity, enslavement, and ultimately, dinner, you little butterballs.
This public service announcement was brought to you by The Surfing Pizza blog.