Best Spider Ever and Monster Rings

Two words: this guy. This guy is awesome. For me, it was love at first sight: the flimsy plastic that’s stretchy and collects dust and hair easily. That musty, rubbery, basement-y smell. I like his strangely-human face, his teeth, and hanging, salivating tongue. His origins are vague. The only printing on him says made in Hong Kong.

I picked him up over the summer at an art mart, of all places. And before you think I’m a pansy for going to art marts, keep in mind this was a Baltimore art mart, where you can also buy things like gas masks.

Which I did.

“Just in case, right?” the seller said straight-faced, without a hint of irony. Baltimore is full of fucking crazy people who think they’re perfectly normal.

“Right,” I said. But I was actually buying it because I thought it would look cool on a shelf somewhere, you know, in a we’re-prepared-for-chemical-weapons-attack-chic kind of way.

Paranoia is hot in interior decorating right now. You won’t find that tip on HGTV, kids.

Anyway, the next table at the art mart has this stoner selling his crappy art made out of soda cans, and also, this random spider. He’s one of those 1980s toys that gets totally lost in time. We all remember our Ninja Turtle figures and Mario lunch boxes, but we don’t fondly recall the crappy spiders we got in a party favor bag at a Halloween party.

BLLLEEEHHH!

Just have a look at that face. He’s definitely not a trust-worthy spider. He’s no Charlotte. He would steal your milk money and give you bad betting advice on sports. Perhaps for these reasons, the girlfriend, who had no qualms about displaying a gas mask in our home, didn’t want me to buy the spider, citing grossness as a reason.

He does sort of look like he spent the last decade at the bottom of a garbage can. And okay, he kind of smells like it, too. I held him up to my nose. I may have even kissed him.

While I’m thinking of party favors of the 1980s, I found some neat retro-fied party favors at a Five Below store, these Monster Rings. A pack of nine was only a dollar.

Not sure about the origins of these either. They came in some very generic packaging labeled “Halloween Horrors Novelty Figure Rings.” I think they’re fantastic. They have a lot in common with the spider, from the cheap plastic feel to similarity in faces. My favorite is that dude with the droopy eyeball. They’re all great, though. Even the skull is awesome, and skulls can get pretty generic-looking. I seriously love these. I think I should ask the girlfriend if we can use them for our wedding rings.

I may have kissed them, too. Like I said, Baltimore is full of fucking crazy people who think they’re perfectly normal.

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7 responses to “Best Spider Ever and Monster Rings

  1. Is that an Ewok wearing a pumpkin?

  2. You forgot to give kudos to me for incorporating the gas mask into our decor so stylishly. One day I will publish an interior design idea book for the significant others of toy (and other oddity) collectors.

  3. I think “If I Die in a Combat Zone” should be placed on top of the box.

  4. Is the spider sticking out his tongue, like KISS, or is that food hanging from his mouth? Out of the Monster Rings, I like the crazy-eyed Viking the best. I know a few people with eyes like that. I feel bad because I never know which eye I should be looking at and bounce between in conversations.

  5. Beckner- That is a Star Wars toy from McDonald’s from about 2007 or 2008. The cowl he is wearing is orange. I have the storm trooper on the AT-AT on my desk here at work. And I have that Ewok in my closet at home. The Ewok wasn’t even one of the toys I wanted, but my fiancee picked it up a few years ago while she was out, and figured I would like it. Nothing against Ewoks, but these toys were weird, and didn’t particularly catch my eye.

  6. That ET looks like…Gandhi. Huh.

  7. The internet brought me here. You are my long lost twin, I also have a gas mask on my book shelf and just bought 24 of those rings. Party!

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