96 Hours.

Last week, I bought three of those toys that you place in water and they grow over the course of four days. Here are the final results.

1. The sting-ray

The sting-ray did the best, I think. First, he looked the coolest and most realistic. He was flatter, and grew wider rather than thicker, which gave him an overall more impressive showing. Finally, I just dig sting-rays. Except the one that killed Steve Irwin. That one was a bastard.

2. Dinosaur

The dinosaur got big, too. Though it’s hard for the photographs to provide true perspective, you can see the dinosaur stands from the bottom of the sink to the tip of the faucet.

3. Carrot

I think a lot of us were rooting for the carrot. He didn’t get very big.

Next up, the distilled water experiment begins.

According to somewhere on the Internet, if you use distilled water to grow your toy animals, they have the potential to grow up to 50 times their regular size. It has something to do with ionic bonds and the amount of salt in tap water. Imagine one of these toys fifty times its original size. I could ride it down the street. I could tuck it into bed at night. I could end up with a giant pile of goo.

I’m not the first person to ever think of this experiment; countless children have already done it for their science fair projects. However, I believe I am the first person to ever do it without the helping assistance of an older adult. Therefore, my experiment is still revolutionary.

I chose a turtle this time, and I even bought him his own holding tank. I think we should name him. Anyone want to throw a name out there?

So I’ll be keeping you up to date on the progress of the distilled water turtle.

While I was at the dollar store picking up a new grow animal and water tank, I came across packages of Nik-L-Nips, the little sugar juices inside wax bottles. I used to like these when I was a kid, even if they somewhat perplexed me. You were supposed to chew the wax–but the wax itself wasn’t coated in sugar. It was flavorless. So what was the point of chewing it? The juice inside the wax was awesome, reminding me of the melted part at the bottom of a Flav-Or-Ice. Drinking the juice was delicious–but there was so little of it. I guess I didn’t get it. Nik-L-Nips always left me wanting more.

It gave me an idea for another experiment. Science always begins with a single, brave question. What if you combined all the bottles together to make one real drink? What would that be like?

I bought two packages, twenty Nik-L-Nips. I pulled out a wine glass. And I got down to chewing, with the intent of pouring all twenty Nips into the glass. Why? I’m not sure.

I do know this. This has never been documented before. I’m contributing to the written history of mankind. I asked the first questions. What will it be like? How much will there be? What will it taste like? Future scientists may contribute more, but it began here.

I’ve been calling the inside “juice” but I suppose the better term would be “flavored syrup.” I bit the tops off and dribbled the syrup into the wine glass. Finally, I worked my way through all twenty, and had my answer of what would be.

Twenty Nips equaled what would be a modest serving of wine. For the pictures, I added a pineapple to the backdrop, because pineapples look bad ass.

The color was black, but clear, thin and heavy at the same time, like oil.

The taste was syrupy sweet, but good. I drank the whole glass. It was like mainlining high fructose corn syrup. I felt a rush from it, definitely. I felt my heart skip a beat, and I don’t mean that in a cliche way. But literally–I had a palpitation from all that sugar rushing unbuffered into my bloodstream. It was potent, and I felt…satisfied.

Nik-L-Nips had always left me wanting more. Now, I had enough. I was full. This must be what yoga is like. This must be why the girlfriend is always trying to make me take it with her.

This is kind of a gross picture, but I had to put it here to give you the unrelenting truth.

So then goodnight and stay tuned for the turtle results.

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8 responses to “96 Hours.

  1. I say we name him Baxter.

    Everytime you post on Thursdays I think “this is what you do when I’m not around?” *Shakes head*

  2. The sting ray did fare rather well there at the end…but I still like the carrot. I think it’s cute.

    The Nik-L-Nips experiment is probably the coolest thing I have ever seen on the internet. Ever. I gotta admit, I have to admire your strength and bravery – you couldn’t have paid me to drink that much “juice” at one time. My throat feels a little itchy just thinking about it.

  3. Ok, that’s just flippin’ brilliant. The Nik-L-Nips in the wine glass seems like a must try.

  4. Can we name the turtle Viagra?

  5. My son has a few of these toys and I have noticed something about them. They grow to be pretty big, but if you leave them out of water they start shrinking pretty quickly. I would be interested to see what size these guys end up at.

  6. PlantMonster

    I’m in favor of naming the turtle Bosco.

    I had those Nik – L – Nips once! They confused me, because I didn’t know that they were wax. And yes, pineapples are BAMF. Especially when they’re used as beverage containers.

  7. Nik-N-Lips!!! Man did I ever used to get some sugar highs on those!!

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