So you know what’s the best? When you’re at the yard sale or flea market and the person just wants to get rid of a whole box of crap. One dollar for the whole box.
The dollar box.
I saw the Ninja Turtle van on top, which alone was worth a dollar to me. Then I thought it would be fun to review whatever else happened to be in the box on the blog, and evaluate its worth in my life. I’ll measure the worth in pizza points.
How are you? I am blogging alone on a Saturday night. The girlfriend is in a far away land tonight. I have a Red Baron pizza in the oven, a glass of Stella Artois beside me, and I am keeping watch on an eBay auction that I will probably lose because I am convinced a conspiracy of shadow people are using sniper computers to bid last minute. I am not ashamed of how I am spending my evening. And I am having a Tastykake for dessert.
So let’s take a look at that Turtle van.
1. TMNT VAN. This is worth +50 Pizza Points in my life. Well, it’s missing the door and few plastic ray guns. It will still look pretty cool on a shelf with a couple of Turtles hanging around. Plus, I’m loving those stickers that decorate the van. There’s something earnest about them. Today, toys are more detailed. Back in the day, we had to stick the details on ourselves.
Here’s the real gem of the box, a talking LJN figure of ET.
2. LJN ET FIGURE. He operates on a pull string — remember those? His three phrases are “Feed me, feed me, feed me,” “Ouch,” and “Hoooooome”. If he says anything else, I haven’t been successful yet in pulling it out of him. I feel bad because he probably hasn’t been pulled in about twenty years either. Here I am yanking at him endlessly, trying to discover his secret fourth phrase. His voice is remarkably clear for a nearly thirty-year-old toy. I’m going to sound old saying this, but they just don’t make toys to last like they used to. The head also extends up a little bit. Nice touch. I’m giving this toy +100 Pizza Points in my life.
Next we have some trees.
3. TREES and 4. GAZEBO. Yep. Some trees, and some kind of gazebo, I guess. I like that word, gazebo. All are from a Playmobil set. I really can’t love these trees, though I am trying to conjure up some tree love. I’ll give the trees 1 point each, and the gazebo thing 2 points.
So then the box gets weird. I have no idea what the rest of these things are. Maybe the world out there can help me identify them.
Here’s some sort of “woodland” playset, some chick, and some rabbits.
5. WOODLAND PLAYSET
6. SOME CHICK.
Feel free to comment if you know what any of these things are. The woodland set is marked Lucasfilms, so I’m guessing it’s some sorta Ewok thing. The chick in the brown robe is a McDonald’s toy. The rabbits are just there. None of them earn any points from me.
Here’s some more animals –
10 – 13: WOLF PACK
14 – 15: DEER BABY AND DAD
This box has several sets of packs of animals. This means something. Or possibly not. Here’s a wolf pack, and a deer pack. I’m giving the wolf pack +10 points. And that baby deer can have one point, because it would be heartless to ignore the baby deer. Any ideas what these animals belong to?
Here are two of my favorites from the box:
16. RAT HOT WHEELS
17. BACKPACKING BEAR HELL YEAH
Okay, that bear is wearing a backpack. Instant +1000 points. It’s a freaking backpacking bear. What the heck is he from? (I may retract some of the backpacking bear’s points when I’m not drinking.)
And the thing next to him is bad ass too. It’s a rat Hot Wheels car from 1988. It gets +50 points. Geez. It makes me want a plastic race track that does loop-de-loops. I remember being a kid: it took 45 minutes to properly set up the track, 10 seconds to watch the car race through, and one year of complete-and-utter disillusion until the following Christmas, when I needed THE T-REX THUNDER MOUNTAIN racetrack.
NEXT. Some dudes.
Dude #18 – Blue warrior thing. I suspect he’s from a dollar store playset. Zero points.
Dude #19 – Bald jungle guy. Who is he? I’ll give +2 points for being bald.
Dude #20 – Army guy on a snow mobile. Because he was the only figure with legs that would bend to sit on the snow mobile. +10 points for articulate legs.
Dude #21 – Is this an army guy too? He gets +30 style points for wearing that scarf.
22: SNAKE And there’s a snake too, with quite a dust bunny attached to him. SICK. Minus twenty points.
I call these guys the Friends.
23 and 24: FRIENDS
In my box of wonders came a small gun, and the only hands the gun fit into were these smiling, upbeat Playmobil figures. I’m giving them each +10 Pizza Points.
Finally, the last two–
25 and 26: DRAGONS
I don’t really like dragons, because I do not wear glasses, and only people with glasses like dragons. No points awarded.
Overall, I’ve awarded the box 1,252 Pizza Points, which I realize now is entirely too many, because in all reality, this box kind of sucks. But it was only a dollar and I got that awesome ET. Speaking of getting things, I didn’t win that eBay auction; one of the shadow people bid on it the very last millisecond. I told you.
In the time I have written this post, I have eaten one Red Baron pizza, drank two beers, and ate one Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpet, which evokes the idea of a crumpet, a sweet bread snack made from flour and yeast. But Tastykakes are actually made from human hair. It’s true. But I think hair, at least, is vegetarian.