Dispatches From the Snowpocalypse

Day 1.   Friday.

02/05/10 00:08:03  Snow is coming!  There is much merriment to be had.  Today I bought a sled–technically a toboggan, and not technically one of those either.  It’s a piece of plastic.  I’m calling it a sled.  It’s the night before the giant two foot snow storm, and it never snows that much around here.  All the stores were sold out, but I kept trying like a determined parent on Christmas Eve desperately trying to find the hot toy.  I got one.  I will be an awesome parent.

02/05/10 00:08:21 I also buy a bottle of rum, and borrow the movie The Hangover.  We are ready to be snowed in.

02/05/10 00:08:45 I come home with the sled.  The girlfriend stares, asking where will we sled when there are no hills in the city.  But I know that hills will appear like magic. We’ve just never noticed them before.

02/05/10 00:09:03 Snow is really heavy now!  We love to watch it.  We eat celebratory pasta–with Texas Toast, which makes it fancy.  Weather forecasters say to have enough food stocked for 3-5 days.  They warn of WHITEOUT CONDITIONS and LIFE THREATENING ROADS.  They are so dramatic.

Day 2.  Saturday.


02/06/10 00:08:00 We wake up early, giddy with the enthusiasm of children.  There is a lot of it, as promised, and it’s still coming down.  We can’t see our cars!  Would you look at that?  It’s knee deep.  Then we notice the trees leaning into the power lines.  We see some trees already downed.  Some of the perfect snow has already been peed on by dogs.  We attempt to clear off our cars.  Brushes and scrapers are useless.  We go at it with our fists.

02/06/10 00:10:03 My survival instincts kick in.  What if it really is the Snowpocalypse?  What if we run out of food?  What if we have to eat dinner from the Sunoco station?  We must make plans.  Survival kits.

Survival kits have weapons.  I am prepared to fashion weapons from sticks and I am prepared to eat all of the French Onion dip myself.

02/06/10 00:12:03 I lecture the girlfriend and her roommates about how it’s every man for himself out here.  If beggars come to the door looking for food or help, we will have to turn them away in the SNOWPOCALYPSE.  Two of them are social workers who wouldn’t have the heart to turn people away.  I am needed in the post-snowpocalytic world because I will be able to say no.  They decide I am full of shit.  I decide we can help old people.

Day 3.  Sunday.

02/07/10 00:11:18 Sledding failed yesterday.  The piece of plastic just sunk in under our heaving adult bodies, and besides we were soaked from car clearing, so let’s just eat some dip.  Today we try again.  The snow is firmer.  A hill appears yonder, but walking to it is difficult.  I am out of breath before we are halfway there.  Trying to get up the hill, I feel like Shadow at the end of Homeward Bound, that dog trying to get up the mud slope.  At the top of the hill, I am exhausted, gasping.  Sweating.  I do not remember this part as a child.  I blame it all on my center of gravity.

02/07/10 00:11:18 I go down the hill.  WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Oof.  Okay.  Ready for some dip.

02/07/10 00:06:03 We watch the Superbowl.   Saints win!  The news is calling for another 5 inches Tuesday.  Pfft.  Call me when there’s a real storm.  It’s not even on my radar unless it completely covers my car.

Day 4. Monday.

02/08/10 00:08:03 SNOW DAY!  The office is closed.  We still have not seen a plow.  Some of the neighbors have started digging.  Ha.  Fools!  All that work will be for naught when the plows come.  I brag that I am an energy efficient model.  I don’t plan to exert energy unless I have to.

02/08/10 00:09:04 Besides, snow-logged trees have fallen all over the neighborhood, blocking all roads.

02/08/10 00:01:16 Boredom sets in.  I even watch HGTV with the girlfriend.  Oh I would totally choose the house with country-style faucet.  Very rustic.

02/08/10 00:08:03 Great.  Now they’re saying ten inches for Tuesday.  Where’s it going to go?  Is this real life?

Day 5. Tuesday.

02/09/10 00:10:09 Snow day.  Meh.  I have no way of getting my free Grand Slam.  The girlfriend makes us eggs, toast, and veggie bacon, “just like a Grand Slam.”  It’s not the same.  It’s not mired in grease and barely-edible meat products that I wouldn’t eat anyway.  Where is the plow?

2/09/10 00:12:21 We begin to dig, if only to relieve boredom.

02/09/10 00:02:07 Now they’re calling for Snowpocalypse Redux.  Ten to twenty.  We trek up to the grocery store to restock supplies.  Even though we have plenty, we buy toilet paper for the hell of it.  We also buy Valentine shaped Little Debbies, the vanilla kind.  We plan to exchange the cut-out Valentines on the back, though I may additionally surprise the girlfriend with a gift from the Sunoco station.

02/09/10 00:03:03 Why does it feel like HGTV has been on for 24 hours?

Day 6. Wednesday.

02/10/10 00:10:21 Now I understand why Jack Torrance tries to kill his family in The Shining.  It’s a howling blizzard.  They pre-empted Oprah for the storm coverage.  Oprah. They’re saying up to thirty inches.  The plow comes, but is unable to pass the abandoned, double parked car in front of our house.  I plan to bomb that car.

02/10/10 00:11:11 I saw the eye of the storm.  The mad winds and snow stopped.  It was calm.  The sun appeared.  I remember this happened in that movie The Perfect Storm.

02/10/10 00:08:03 A man skis by the window in Baltimore City.

Day 7.  Thursday.

02/11/10 00:08:03 Trapped indoors for a week. Going mad.

02/11/10 00:08:04 Does drool exclude an activating supermarket? Pizza interferes with the insistence near its galactic ash. Beard whistles underneath your supplier.

02/11/10 00:08:05 Send help.


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8 responses to “Dispatches From the Snowpocalypse

  1. This is hilarious and awesome.

    SNOWPOCALYPSE.

    I. LOVE. IT.

  2. You are my favorite.

  3. This is exactly how I felt all week… I’m actually happy to finally be back to work today.

  4. We got all the warnings, but none of the snow. I somehow feel jealous, but I’d hate to have to deal with having the actual snow.

    I love when you write like this. You’re awesome, pizza dude!

  5. I live in Rhode Island, and the snowpocalypse was a good 200 miles (at the least) away from us, yet the people here were acting like it was the END OF DAYYYYSSSS. I wanted to climb onto the counter at my CVS and yell “WE ARE SAFE! GO BACK TO YOUR HOMES!”

  6. this was f-cking hysterical! lol We need to move to some place warmer with no snow. I despise this shit.

  7. Is it terrible that I envy your predicament? To be trapped, surviving by wits and basic insanity, that’s the life for me!

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