It’s that time of year to show off my presents to strangers on the internet. And since my birthday was two days ago, also included here are a few of those gifts too. I had the best Christmas ever, which I declare every year anyway, and I am so grateful for all my family and friends and people who love me. Many of them read this and I want to say thank you so much.
Okay, enough of the humility. Let’s get to the haul.
Bass Beer Coozy. From the girlfriend. Every year she puts together a loose theme for my gifts. The theme was Things To Go With Things You Already Have. I just so happen to already have a man-sized bass pillow. Her name is Lisa. She is my fish girlfriend. The human girlfriend hates sharing the bed with the fish girlfriend, so most of the time, Lisa sleeps on the floor.
Beatles Trivial Pursuit. From Dad. Every year I get a few Beatles things which are always solid gifts. This year I also got a Beatles coffee table book, a set of pint glasses, and of course, Trivial Pursuit. This is awesome because a) I like the Beatles, b) I like Trivial Pursuit, and c) I like games I can win against weak opponents who don’t spend their time reading what Paul McCartney eats for breakfast on the Internet message boards.
I’ve done some research about the types of questions included in the game, and one of the criticims is that there are a lot of extremely detailed questions about the film Let It Be, a film that has never been released on video. Therefore, the only way to answer these questions is to own a bootleg copy of the film. Apparently, the Beatles ought to have released Let It Be as a companion to the game. (Aside to Beckner–before you think this gives you an advantage, I can assure you that we will be watching Let It Be on youtube this week.)
New Super Mario Bros Wii. From the parents. Great game. I love the multi-player feature. I’ve been teaching the girlfriend the ways of Mario. For whatever reason, she played outside as a child and therefore did not log hundreds of hours of her childhood playing Mario Bros 1, 2, and 3. I could spend a paragraph making fun of how she didn’t even know how to run fast, but that make me seem like an insufferable nerd, and I have to give her credit–she’s a solid Ringo in Beatles Rock Band. She nails the perfect drum solo on The End on Abbey Rd.
Luigi The Plastic Cheese Shaker. These are from the sister. She knows me well. How fucking awesome is Luigi The Plastic Cheese Shaker? The name itself is like poetry. They didn’t call it Novelty Mouse Cheese Dispenser. I love the word plastic in the name most of all. I swear. Sometimes I’m just going to be driving alone in my car down the street and I’m going to randomly shout Luigi The PLASTIC Cheese Shaker.
And the Bad trucker hat–totally amazing and uh.. 80s Japanese girl chic. I love it and it’s on the short list of family heirlooms to pass on to my unborn children.
The Complete Don Martin. From the girlfriend. It’s two huge volumes of every cartoon the guy ever drew, which is awesome because he invented words like THOINK!. The set easily weighs 40lbs and could be a deadly weapon. These are going to make beautiful coffee table books. The girlfriend has no comment on this.
Some Books and Balls. Baseballs with Roasted Turkey logos on them? Why yes, please. Here’s what I imagine. This is like my Babe Ruth signed baseball in The Sandlot. My kid borrows the Dill Pickles to play ball and it lands in the neighbor’s yard where a giant dog known for eating children roams. Hijinks and life lessons ensue.
And books. Michael Ian Black. Complete Encyclopedia of Disney. Not literary. Oh well. Fuck you Raymond Carver and your short stories that I got last year for Christmas and still haven’t opened.
Awesome Whale Playmobil Set. From the girlfriend. Because I wanted that giant blue whale toy BAD. I eagerly ripped open the package on Christmas morning to take out the whale and hold him in my arms.
And another Playmobil set:
The Nativity. From Mom. Includes 3 Wise Kings! Plus Manger Animals! (It lists these as features on the box.) I’m positive this set was actually approved by baby Jesus himself. The backdrop looks like a cheesy piece of cardboard, so I may have to build a better manger for my Nativity friends like a carpenter. I’ll get like real hay too. Maybe from a farm. Probably from Michael’s.
Remote Control Ant. From the girlfriend. An Indiana Jones toy, Crystal Skull, which feels like it came out in the late 90s. A really random toy, which means I love it. I really appreciated the box it came in with the maddening twisted ties you have to pry apart to remove the toy from the box. They’re as hard as ever to untie, and then you gotta rip at the super strength tape. This used to be a Christmas morning tradition, trying to remove the toys from the boxes. This year, I appreciated having the reminder.
Pocket Video Camera. From the girlfriend. This was my Big Gift. I love it. Look for world premiere videos of stuff on Surfing Pizza soon. I’m totally going to film a viral sensation, like a dramatic chipmunk eating a burrito. Or something with a burrito. I’m going to get one at Chipotle and just try to make things happen with it. I imagine I’ll end up with footage of Homeless Man Takes Burrito On Sidewalk Intended For Dramatic Chipmunks–CHRIST WHERE ARE ALL THE DRAMATIC CHIPMUNKS IN THIS CITY? Stay tuned.
I Love Cookies Cookie Okay, so this was not a real gift to me–because I would have stabbed that person in the heart. Instead one of the girlfriend’s roommates (and SP readers) got this an actual gift. She should have stabbed them in the heart, but instead she gave it to me as proof that people actually give these things out. STOP THE MADNESS.
Wait. Do you think dramatic chipmunks would eat these?
So there it is, my gross materialism shown off to the world. I wanted a way to counteract this in even the smallest of ways, so for my birthday the other day, I decided to donate a bit of what I got back to charity. The charity I decided is heifer.org which is a cool charity because you can buy animals for people in third world countries. The animals provide food and clothing, and in some cases, transportation and money.
I donated $20 towards a share of llama. Llamas are awesome and plus they wouldn’t eat the llama. It promotes gender balance for the women who can make crap from llama fur and sell it. (I’m told I could write the copy for the website.)
A whole llama is $160. I thought it would be cool if my idea to donate could produce a WHOLE LLAMA for a family, not just a share. I’ve already got the girlfriend and my parents on board, so now we’re up to $80. We have HALF A LLAMA. OBAMA MAMA RAMA. BANGARANG.
So if four more people donate $20, we’ll have a whole llama! Anyone wanna get in on the llama? Just go here and donate $20 towards a share of a llama.
Here’s the link: http://www.heifer.org/site/c.edJRKQNiFiG/b.2664289/
If you do, let me know. I will make you a Surfing Pizza Friend of Distinction. Not sure what this great award entails. Maybe entry to heaven.
Happy New Year.