I meant to pose this picture like Raph’s got Paul in a ninja chokedown. Raphael versus Paul. Except I posed it so it looks like Raphael and Paul are dating, and Raphael is tenderly holding inflatable animated McCartney in his arms. Oh well. Welcome back The Surfing Pizza, after I took a breather week off after posting 25 times in October. Your source for crap and inter-animation, inter-species gay dating.
Don’t google that. You won’t like what you find.
Today I have something important to contribute to the world.
It used to seem so unfair that there was no such thing as Kid’s Day. There was Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, and then there was Grandparent’s Day at school, where you did the usual cut & paste with Grandma hanging around and saying how extremely talented you were. But no day for kids, as I pointed out to my parents.
They said birthdays were Kid’s Day. Well that couldn’t be right, because Mom and Dad and Grandma all got birthdays on top their own special holidays. And even if it was true, I still shared my birthday with my mother’s birthday, meaning she was totally butting in on MY KID’S DAY.
My parents, exhausted from arguing with me, then would say everyday was kid’s day because I managed to make every day revolve around me. And how could that be a bad thing?
Everyday was kid’s day. Case closed. Empty the dishwasher.
Wait a minute. There’s no way everyday could be kid’s day, especially when you consider how every day held the potential to become the worst day ever of your entire life.
Dad says no to playing extra hour at friend’s house? WORST DAY EVER.
Top scoop falls off your ice cream cone and the bottom scoop melts down the sides? WORST DAY EVER.
Mom says you can’t let your sister jump off the deck with a trash bag tied around each arm for a parachute? WORST DAY EVER.
Mom says you can’t eat a whole Nachos Bell Grande by yourself, why don’t you get a taco instead? WORST. DAY. EVER.
It was true. There was no such thing as Kid’s Day, and I swore that one day when I was big I would invent Kid’s Day and be the hero of the world. Except now I’m a few weeks away from turning 29, and I haven’t contributed anything of value to the world.
Until today. I have something to contribute. I’m posing a question to the world that’s brand new. An important question.
What If The Ninja Turtles Were The Beatles?
Let’s start with the no-brainer:
Michaelangelo is Ringo. The Party Dude. The clown. The one that likes pizza the most. And you might recall it was Ringo who did the Pizza Hut commercials. Ringo, never ashamed to shut up and make a buck. Mike isn’t ashamed to make a buck neither, given he was the sole turtle to appear in the anti-drug Cartoon All Stars To The Rescue.
Michaelangelo invented the word Cowabunga. Ringo invented the word Ringo.
Raphael is George. Raphael is the sullen one. The angry one. Raphael sometimes has a turbulent relationship with Leonardo, the leader of the group. George struggled with the egos of the band to be heard. He just wanted to play the sitar on more than one song on Revolver.
Raphel cursed in the first Ninja Turtles movie, screaming the word DAMN. Though I’d heard worse come out of my parents’ mouths, when Raphael cursed, it was exciting and intimidating, like hearing a friend curse. George Harrison killed a stagehand once.
Donatello is John. Both are considered the brainy one of the group. Donatello invents things like portals capable of opening gateways to other dimensions. John took drugs that opened gateways to other dimensions.
Donatello is the best character to be in the Ninja Turtle Arcade Game because his weapon has the best range. John Lennon is the best to sing in Beatles Rock Band because he has the easiest range, and singing McCartney is a bitch. Also, a little known fact: Donatello was the walrus. You’ll hear this if you play the Ninja Turtles theme song backwards.
Leonardo is Paul. Leo is the unofficial leader of the Turtles, and the most disciplined. One could argue that John was the unofficial leader of the Beatles, but I always give the nod to Paul. Paul was the one who dragged the other three kicking and screaming to the final recording sessions of Abbey Rd.
Leonardo is also the most sentimental of the Turtles. Paul McCartney wonders what’s wrong with filling the world with silly love songs. Leonardo is kind of a dork, and not in a cool way like Donatello. Paul McCartney wrote Your Mother Should Know.
I’m no longer interested in inventing Kid’s Day because even if I did, I wouldn’t get to celebrate it now. There was another childhood contribution I once dreamed–an air conditioner that air conditoned the whole outside in the summer. Why don’t they have an outdoor air conditioner? My friends thought it was deep. Maybe I’ll invent that.
Or maybe I’ll call my sister and see if she wants to try that flying experiment again. We were going about it all wrong. We don’t need trash bags. We need jet packs.
Or maybe I’ll just take another picture of Raph and Paul kissing.