Depressing Halloween Candy

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It’s time to take a look at the treats that rank below the peanut butter chews in those orange & black wrappers, the Mary Janes, the Charleston Chews, the Tootsie Rolls, Raisins, Pencils, and whatever other ungodly things people are giving out these days.

This candy goes deeper than just taking forever to chew. Deeper than being a freaking fruit. It goes deep into the heart of darkness itself. This candy is generic. This candy is depressing. It’s so bad the dog wouldn’t eat it.

Proof I’m not over-exaggerating–

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I’m always weary of places/things that are simply called what they are. The Mexican restaurant that simply says MEXICAN RESTAURANT on the sign outside. The kitchen cleaner called only CLEANER. The bag of candy called CANDY MIX. They’re hiding something. It’s not really Mexican food (it’s dogs in enchilada sauce); it’s not really kitchen cleaner (it’s blue water); it’s not really candy (it’s chemicals).

This bag has all the warning signs of extremely generic candy. Random dinosaurs– “Predators Return of the Dinosaurs” Then there’s that big 16 PCS, which acts like 16 is some staggering amount, a mega amount. This is the MEGA PARTY PACK. All this looks like candy a grizzled stranger would give you.

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There’s the dextrose candies. This stuff is a product of China, and maybe dextrose is a word they use to describe the flavors over there. In America, we use words like Blue Raspberry and Tutti Fruitti. And then there’s the lollypop–I can’t even describe what this is, and I didn’t open it. Looks chalky. The dextrose candies I did open and sample. They certainly weren’t blue raspberry or tutti fruitti. They were hairspray flavored. Like when my mother used to spray her hair up with Aqua Net, and the air around her would taste like hairspay. That’s the flavor.

Then there’s this crap, 3 single-wrapped gummies–

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One gummy with a wrapper all to itself. 3 of them. I’d hate to be the kid at the mega party who got 1 gummy while at least the others got 5 or 6 pieces of dextrose. I sampled the gummy too. It was orange and had a bitter flavor that wasn’t really orangey, but perhaps more tea-like.

The depression continues with Marshmallow Pumpkins:

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I know you’re thinking these don’t look too bad compared to crap-fest of the dinosaur mix, but look:

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At the very least, I expect the faces on my candy not to be cross-eyed. And then you might notice that the candy appears to be sparkling. Does this have glitter on it? It looks like it was something I stepped on and scraped off the bottom of my shoe.

Incidentally, when I bought these at the Dollar Tree, as the teenage cashier rang these up, she paused. She took a close look at them. I expected her to shudder, or at the very least, nod knowingly toward the ironic subtleties of buying gorky-looking marshmallows to make fun of on the internet. But instead, she said “Mmmm! These look good!” Then she looked at me and smiled. I smiled back.

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Another product of China. The word beef in parentheses disturbs me. Usually beef in parentheses does.

Finally, good ol’ generic lollypops:

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I have to admit I’m a fan of these. I think the drawings of the skeleton and pumpkin look old school. Something feels 1988 about these.

The way I figure it is that there’s a lollypop hierarchy depending on place and time.

Say you’re at the in line at the bank and there’s a bowl of free generic lollypops. SCORE.
The same lollypops as the only candy sitting in the pantry? SUCK.
We used to get our pumpkin at a farm that let kids pick out a grab bag filled with cheapo little treats such as these. SCORE.
But say they showed up later in your trick or treat haul?
SUCK.

Now there’s a question of what to do with this stuff. I’ve made fun of it on the internet…I’m not going to eat it…and trick-or-treaters are coming…

I wouldn’t.

Would I?

Would I?

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5 responses to “Depressing Halloween Candy

  1. Ugh, ditch the marshmallow pumpkins or some bitter children are going to find out who gave those out and egg their house.

    On a side note, I like how the suckers will leave their picture on you tongue like a candy stamp.

  2. In all honesty, that doesn’t seem too bad. Dextrose candy is awesome. All the sweetness without this, whaddya call it, flavour.
    The ‘chalky’ lollipop is likely dextrose as well instead of regular hard candy on a stick. Not horrible.
    The old school suckers aren’t bad. They’re the kind of candy you don’t eat right away, but when you find hem a week later, you’re thrilled to still have Halloween candy left.
    The marshmallows are slightly creepy, I’ll give you that. ‘FAT FREE!’ – IT’S ALL SUGAR.

    But hey, kids eat crap candy. If they don’t like it, they can use it to poison younger siblings, right?

  3. Awww, I like the pumpkins. They’re cute. and they do look tasty.

  4. Oh Hell Yeah! I would give those to the non-costumed kids. You don’t make the effort, neither do I. ha.

  5. lol. What’s wrong with Beef gelatin? lmao Oh yeah…it sounds fucking disgusting haha. Those marshamallows are the types of candy that I’d take one bite of to see what it tastes like and then spit it out and dump the rest of the bag in the garbage. It’s crap! Real marshmallows are awesome though. I don’t need all the silly sparkly sugar.

    Individually wrapped gummy candy? LAME. That’s terrible considering that you can get a box of fruit snacks or gummy candy with 8 0r 10 to a package.

    On rare occasions though, it’s the shittiest, weirdest, most obscure Halloween candy that actually turns out to be good.

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