A Review of Each Creature In This Bag


It’s official. I’m making treat bags. Read that as though I said it with all the gravitas of announcing the birth of my child. I’ve kinda known I was going to make treat bags all month. There just seemed to be a perfect mixture of candy and toys I was buying that serendipitously added up to the contents a treat bag.

Plus, I’m kind of in a competition here. My neighbors have about 10 strings of lights on their house and trees. It looks like Christmas, but it’s all Halloween. The kids are going be wowed by it. They have 40 monsters hanging from their porch too. I have 2. I’m not going to have the flashy house. I’m going to have the TREAT BAGS.

I haven’t hammered down the exact contents yet. There’s some ratios involved. There will be full treat bag coverage next week. So these plastic creatures are one of the things going in the bags.

24 creatures, 1 dollar.


So this long arm/short arm skeleton is sorta like the main guy in the bag. There’s 6 of him. He’s unique. I’ve never seen anything like him before. Perhaps his long arm/short arm is supposed to give the perspective of crawling towards you, with the longer arm in the foreground. But this is a flimsy piece of plastic that costs 4 cents, so I’m not convinced that much thought was put into it.


4 spiders. Some pretty nice spiders too.


There’s only one ant! One is the loneliest number. He’s the best. Calling him a Halloween Creature however is stretching it. I might not put him in a treat bag. I might keep him for myself. He reminds of Anty in Honey I Shrunk the Kids. Damn. Now there’s a movie that made you regret stepping on all those ants. I used to love killing ants until I saw that movie. Rick Moranis taught me morality.


2 more spiders, but these are spider rings.


2 scorpions.

I used to work at a record store when I was a teenager. The store was located in a redneck area where the year was perpetually 1988. Tassles on leather jackets, feathered hair on men, a lot of fans of the band, Foreigner. It was 1999. There was also a high school across the street, and teenagers in trenchcoats and Insane Clown Posse t-shirts, but that is an entirely different traumatic story. For the purpose of this traumatic story, I’m focusing solely on these feathered hair men. One feathered hair man.

The cash register was next to a wall of stickers. The stickers were a pet peeve of mine because of the way people use to just stare open-mouthed at them. Everyone made the same jokes too, ribbing their friends that they ought to buy the N’Sync sticker for their car. JFK Jr. had died and everyone suddenly thought the Dead Kennedys sticker was so timely and hilarious. I stood there at the register, listening to the same sticker conversations over and over and over.

But one time, one of the feathered hair guys said something that I haven’t been able to get out of my head for the last decade. It bothered me so much, it just stuck. He asked if I had any “Scorps” stickers.


“The Scorps. You got anything with the Scorps?”

“Who are the Scorps?”

He was saying the 80s band The Scorpions. Rock You Like a Hurricane. Now, everytime I see/hear/think the word scorpion, that man and “You got anything with the Scorps” sentence replays in my head.

A fucking scorpion killed Anty in Honey I Shrunk the Kids too. Pardon my French. I think it was warranted.


6 flies. This bag is more like Insect Creatures than Halloween Creatures.


2 snakes. Just your average plastic snake. Overall, the details on these creatures are pretty sweet for 4 cents worth.


And 1 bat. Sure, there’s going to be an inherent unfairness between the treat bag with the awesome big bat, or the treat bag with a stinking little fly. But maybe the stinking little fly bag will have an extra Snickers bar. Then again, what if you’d really rather have two Snickers bars than an awesome big bat? What is fair?

It’s clear the making of the treat bags is going to raise some ethics questions I haven’t seen the likes of since pondering killing the ants.

3 thoughts on “A Review of Each Creature In This Bag

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