Fashion Gory Foot

You might be remember Gory Foot from two weeks ago, a bloody plastic foot that tried on all my shoes. Well Gory Foot is back, this time in the girlfriend’s shoes.


Because she has a different purse to go with each shoe, she also thought it would be great to pair the shoes and purses, which I suspect she just wanted to show off. My apologies to some of you guys and some of you girls. I don’t doubt there’s one male reader out there thinking, oooh cute shoes, and I salute you, shoe-noticing male reader. The rest of us must suck it up and endure SHOE AND PURSE HELL.

SHOE AND PURSE HELL is a special place that appears suddenly, ripping open a hole in the earth, creating a sucking vortex, swallowing all those who nearly made it out of the Macy’s alive.

Then she says, “oh wait, let me take a look at this purse.”

So close to exit, yet so far away. The relationship between the women’s shoes and purses sections and the doorways is defined by the empiricle gravitational constant, and is inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them.

If my science sounds a little phony, blame Wikipedia.


She was worried some of you would think her shoes (and therefore feet) are really big. She also worried you harsh close-reading Surfing Pizza readers would notice scuff marks on her shoes, wiping down the shoes in the bathroom before they were considered presentable for the blog. She also told me not to write that, and I assured her I would.


I really let her take over the photography here. I sat on the bed drinking a beer while she searched her closet to put out only the finest for Fashion Gory Foot. Then she’d be digging for the matching purse.

“Doesn’t this look good together?”

I could hear the seams of the Earth beginning to tear. The bed started shaking. NOT SHOE AND PURSE HELL OPENING UP.

“See how well these match?”


This picture was the most important for her to take, because this picture features a Croc. It’s some kind of fancy Croc, not like those Smurfy ones. CROC HELL is a very real place, working in spirit to lead you astray. I know that CROC HELL is real because I have been to a place in the outlet mall.


I balked at including this shoe because to me it looked like the other 3 or 33,592 heels she had already taken pictures of. But no, apparently this one has some purple in it and the others do not. So there you are, Gory Foot in a heel with some purple in it.

I have to admit, something is hypnotising about seeing Gory Foot in these shoes, and I think it’s the blood that really complements all the shoes and purses. And that plastic bone chip plays well off the patterns of the purse. Just because I don’t like to visit SHOE AND PURSE HELL doesn’t mean I don’t notice coordinating plastic bone chip when I see it.

(Heads up that there’s a bonus Gory Foot on The Surfing Pizza’s Facebook Page.)

6 thoughts on “Fashion Gory Foot

  1. What’s the definition of true love? Being able to bring a fake severed foot over to your girlfriend’s house and her taking pictures of it wearing her favorite shoes.

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